Does sleep training work or are some babies just harder / easier?

[Crazydiamond106]

My daughter is 5 months and never really slept well from day one. Then around 10-13 weeks she slept great, around 8 hour blocks at night. Since 14 weeks I think the 4 month regression started, followed by teething and we’re still up every 2 hours at least at night. Sometimes a 3 hour block but rare.

I’ve read loads on self settling but I can’t seem to get her to sleep like this...it’s a battle to get her to sleep by settling her myself so how am I supposed to get her to sleep by just putting her down awake?!

I don’t feed to sleep for naps or when she goes down at night but I do feed to sleep when she wakes in the night (breastfeed) as it’s the easiest way when I’m shattered. I have white noise, sing to her and just hold her in my arms or lay next to her on my bed then move her to the next to me crib when she’s asleep...or the swing if she really won’t go down!

I just feel so worn out and so conflicted whether this is just a phase I need to get through (carrying on doing what I’m doing) or does she need sleep training and by not teaching her to self settle will this continue for months / years?? Or is it that some babies are just bad sleepers and only time will fix it so I may as well not stress and continue settling her in the easiest way possible?

Very conflicted and tired...would love to hear people’s opinions and experiences. Basically can I do anything about this or do I just have to wait? She’s so unhappy and overtired during the day but just can’t get her to sleep more.

Both, my first was a nightmare who was up and down all night. I used the no-cry sleep solution and he definitely improved and he did end up sleeping through at around 1 year old.

My current baby is a more natural sleeper but we still encouraged a sleep routine from early on so that we could take full advantage!

www.nocrysolution.com/

Mn has a distinct divide between the never ever sleep trainers and the advocates of it. I’m more the latter. Personally I never sleep trained before 6/7 months (controlled crying never cry it out) and never to settle in the night, rather to help them self settle at bed time. During the night, have you tried feeding her a bottle of formula? If she continues to wake every 2hrs offer water? (Distinguishes whether hungry or just waking for comfort/ habit). Might get better with a more full belly once they start food too. Mine also slept better once in her own room.
I think some children are harder than others to sleep but the real factor is the parents imo, the ones who claim it never works always give in at the sign of a tear. Each to their own, yes we are mothers but we are people who need to function, waking every 2hrs is killer I couldn’t cope with.

Unpopular MN opinion - but I truely believe that when babies start to do this its because they're hungry and milk isnt cutting it anymore

Imo it's all developmental and individual, just like every other milestone. Ds1 - terrible sleeper, awake every 2 hours, couldn't self settle, didn't sleep through the night once til 12mo and didn't sleep through consistently until 2yo. Ds2 - generally good sleeper, slept 4 hour blocks at night from day 1, gradually stretched out, 8mo now and usually wakes once a night for a feed, never feeds to sleep, can re-settle himself if he wakes up and doesn't need/want milk (I've watched him do it). Neither sleep trained, both ebf, both co-slept - I've done nothing differently. I'm sure sleep training CAN help but equally I think they will all get there in their own time regardless.

Every baby/child can be taught to sleep well, without exception.

What your post does not touch on @Crazydiamond106, is time-scale.

The skill of learning to sleep is a learnt skill, it can be actively taught or it will be picked up through trial and error by the child without being taught. Learning the skill (or being "trained") is not the contentious issue. The contentious issue is how quickly you expect baby to learn.

There are a few different time scales to consider:

(1) Baby can be trained/taught to sleep independently, without causing any distress of crying, if you actively teach them at a slow pace that suits their emotional development. I'd say the timescale for this is about a year, but all children are different.
(2) Parents can choose not to progress baby towards independent sleep, maintaining the status quo of "this works, so I won't change a thing". Then baby may then be developmentally able to independently sleep but will not know how because it isn't taught. But random trial and error skills picked up by baby soon come together for child to independantly sleep. Timescale for this is around 3-4 years, but all children are different.
(3) Baby can be actively taught/trained at a pace that suits the parent (rather than the child). So being taught to sleep independently in a very short time-period. This is the option that gives rise to judgement because it causes some level of distress. The faster you expect results from your baby, the more distress to get there.

I think there’s a lot of variety in when children naturally sleep well/sleep through. Personally, I couldn’t face sleep training, it just didn’t feel right for me/DD, even though she was a bad sleeper when she was little. I read an awful lot on the internet, and started thinking I was doing a disservice to my daughter not “teaching her to sleep independently” and I did wonder if that meant I was never going to get a good night’s sleep again! She got the hang of it on her own, in the end.

If you don’t want to wait, sleep training does work for a lot of people. You might be a better parent with more sleep! Don’t push yourself beyond what you can healthily deal with. But don’t torture yourself that it’s a necessity either, you don’t HAVE to do it if you’re not comfortable with it. Whatever choice you make, your child will be fine and healthy in the long run.

Would you be comfortable cosleeping? Depending on when you put her to bed you could do one or two feeds back to sleep then when she wakes once you’re in bed yourself you could get her in with you and might find she’s able to feed without waking you much or at all.

Does she have a dummy? That might help too.

I think you are at a crossroads. My first son was exactly as you describe. I couldn't bring myself to sleep train and just kept finding reasons why he wouldn't sleep. He's teething, he's got a cold, it's too hot etc - now looking back I think he just did not know how to go back to sleep by himself. He didn't figure it out until he was 3. Bedtimes were painful for years.

I've now got 6 month old twins and I knew I could not cope with that again. From 5 months I have been gently sleep training them. I have a good schedule based on wake times. 10 mins or so before nap is due I take them upstairs, change, into sleeping bag, white noise on, quick cuddle and into cot with dummy and comforter. I shush, pat, kiss and leave. If they cry, I only wait a minute then I go back in, shush/pat/ reinsert dummy. No picking up. The first time I tried it they were both asleep in 10 minutes. From completely awake (tired but eyes open and properly awake). At bedtime same but with bath and story. Now at 6 months one is sleeping 10pm - 6.30am and the other generally wakes once about 2am for a feed. I breastfeed back to sleep at night. (They are ebf, just starting solids.) I am SO glad I did this. Both of them had been awful through the 4 month sleep regression and two babies waking every 2 hours is beyond exhausting.