Very very shy 20 month old

[Louise0410]

I’m looking for some reassurance and advice. At home my LO is very chatty and potters about happily (he does demand a lot of my attention but he’s only 20 months so I’m not expecting long periods of independent play). Anyway - when we go out and about he’s a totally different child. He clings to me for dear life in some situations and is so exceptionally cautious of anyone (other toddlers included - he’s happier with older children). Obviously he hasn’t really had any contact with other kids in recent months which won’t have helped but he was like this even before lockdown when he was at nursery.

Any tips for how to help with his social and emotional development? I don’t have any concerns about his development in other areas but his reactions to other people worry me. He seems terrified or extremely irritated if they look vaguely interested in a toy he has etc. He is extremely possessive - he was annoyed in the park the other day because another little boy started chasing the pigeons that he was chasing. Is this level of possessiveness and jealousy normal?

He’s always been an emotional individual and that in itself is not a bad thing- I know he feels the world strongly. He is very empathetic and I don’t view shyness as a bad thing. I just want to give him opportunities to interact with people (obviously current situation affects this somewhat) in a more positive manner.

If you’ve had a toddler like this did it get better? And if so how?

Thanks

I don't have any great advice but I think the main thing is never to pressurise your child to be more sociable or to talk to people. This just increases the anxiety around social interaction and can make thing worse not better. It's a very good idea to arrange play dates with other little children and just let them play alongside each other if your DS doesn't want to chat. Don't make him talk, just let it happen naturally (it might not always happen and that's OK). I have a DS 7 who was like this from about 16 months. It actually got worse before it got better (doesn't mean the same will happen to your DS!). The time he struggled most was at nursery and preschool. He was actually diagnosed with selective mutism and referred to a speech therapist. He's now in year 2 and is a lot better but it's been such a slow process for us. There are still many times he won't talk - he struggles to talk to some children and teachers. He just can't. But he now has a lot of friends, he goes on play dates, gets invited to parties. It's the best thing in the world watching him play and chat away with other children because he's come so far. For my DS the thing that really helped him come out of his shell was to get him engaged in an activity or game that he really enjoys. He seems to almost forget he's shy - he's so in to the game he just starts chatting to people. If someone just comes in to the room and starts talking to him and asking questions he usually clams up completely. However if the same person sits with him and plays a game of cards or something DS will start talking. Your son is still so tiny and could well be completely different in a years time. I feel my DS is an extreme case. The message we always got from the healthcare professionals was to never pressurise him and work on building his confidence.

Thanks @SallyWD. It’s helpful to know someone had a similar experience. I think I’m less concerned about the talking and just more concerned about the clingy on to me or dragging me everywhere and rarely leaving me alone for a second! But your advice about zero pressure is really important - I always feels like it’s tricky to leave a situation if he is bothered because I don’t want to reinforce that being around people is a bad thing. So I would often pick him up and chat to the person and then he seems happier to watch our interactions which I think is good for him to see but from the comfort of my arms. I was a shy child (and still have introverted traits) so I think he’s just his mother’s son and I really am his favourite person.

Lovely to hear the joy that your son’s interactions bring you these days.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Exactly what mine did and still does it but less as they've gotten older

Forgot to say it ebbs and flows but eased off at school age massively
She can be super clingy then super sociable

My second dd was like this so we went out a lot. I joined Gymboree, a football thing, toddler groups and she cried through all of them. Everyone looked at me in horror!
I remember one occasion when I was meant to leave her with all the other children lined up and then go to the other side of the hall (not far) and then they ran to us, she could see me but screamed she place down.
But over time it got better and she got more confident. She still wasn’t great but better.
But on her first day of nursery aged just over 3 she didn’t cry at all. Then when she started school she was perfect, no tears.
I was always the person with the clinging child, crying and hysterical if anyone tried to speak to her. If someone spoke to her she would cry for about an hour, I used to pray no one would look into the pushchair and smile at her! Unfortunately she has loads of blonde curls so lots of people did! Now she is great, confident and happy.
I was looking at pictures of the children yesterday and I think she was crying in 90% of them! Just keep going and take them out of their comfort zone a bit.

Two of mine were very shy one is asd the other just a shy quiet girl but as she's got older has come out of her shell in familiar company. I never pushed her just encouraged her. It is just her personality she didn't like sharing when young because she might have to interact not because she's possessive.

Thanks for the replies. Now we can get out a bit more I’ll try to see a few more people with lots of reassurance. Hopefully when he’s eventually back at nursery that will help a bit with how territorial he’s become.

I don’t think I pushed my daughter. I just couldn’t stand the thought of her being in nursery and unhappy.

I can totally Imagine my 20 month old getting possessive over pigeons in the park too... everything is 'his' at the moment! I thibk that's fairly normal. He is also reallt chatty and home but very different with strangers and takes a while to warm to them - loads of toddlers I know are like that though.

My DD was shy. I remember getting some great advice, part of it was not to be embarrassed myself when she behaved very shyly. Basically it's a normal thing, some kids feel it more and longer than others .

And I was also told , not to apologise for her, get angry, try and force her into an uncomfortable situation or label it "shyness" in a derogatory way in her hearing. You can say, she likes to get familiar with new faces and places before throwing herself into the mix. As your little one gets older you can talk to them about new situations and experiences, so they know what to expect and feel confident to cope. And, adopt coping strategies where you can. For example, if there is a party try to arrive very early so they don't have to enter a noisy room already full of people.

The thing I feel worst about is sometimes getting really cross with her, when she dug her heels in and refused to participate like the other children. I wish I had never compared her to the other kids, and had always accepted her for being the way she is, and appreciated she had some nervous emotion she couldn't overcome yet.

My DD totally got over her shyness, so I didnt screw up parenting her altogether! IZt really vanished when she was about 6 years old and now you wouldn't have a clue she used to be a shy child.

@Bestbe totally understand where you’re coming from. 🙂

I really recommend The Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron. It's an amazing resource.

@surreygirl1987 I’m glad mine isn’t the only one. I feel like everyone I know has very extroverted toddlers who are all smiles and hellos and my LO reserves that for a special few. I’m trying to be better at looking out for kids who are similar to mine so I feel a bit less alone. But ultimately just trying to compare less!

@HathorX Thanks for this. It’s good to hear your retrospective on this and what you would change. Sounds like you did a great job. I think part of it is I feel like being shy held me back when I was younger so I don’t want the same for him. I remember a lot of patience on my mum’s part.

Absolutely agree on thinking about how I label his behaviour. Shy is interpreted so negatively by many people and I don’t view it in that why I know he is a great observer and once he warms up to people he is empathetic and affectionate so I’ll work on some strategies like you suggest. Thanks for taking the time to reply!

@RoLaren thanks. I’ll take a look

My DS is extremely sensitive. Tremendous tantrums, extremely uncomfortable in social situations. We took him to play groups to help him socialise and he hated them. One day I pulled into the car park and thought 'Fantastic, he's not creating, we're getting somewhere!' I turned around and he was just sitting there with massive silent tears rolling down his face. I decided then and there to not force him into a mould and let him develop at his own pace. He was late talker at 3-4, and late to potty train too. He's now 5 and is the funniest, cleverest, most expressive and caring boy I could wish for. It's a joy to watch him work out the world and himself, and to develop his own coping strategies. I'm so glad we were responsive and allowed him the time and space to develop into his own little unique self.

Another thing to ponder: The current home/life set up favours children at the confident end of the spectrum (straight into nursery at an early age followed by school at 4) There is nothing intrinsically 'right' about a child being confident, in the same way that there is nothing 'wrong' with a child firmly at the sensitive end. Society needs all sorts to function well. Don't be pushed into feeling there is something 'wrong' with your daughter, embrace who she is.

Thanks @RoLaren I really appreciate your thoughts. Your little one sounds like a total delight.

Yes - I think people’s response to my child being shy is the hard part really. As if he is expected to perform a particular way based on their views of what a toddler is like and if he doesn’t run off from me or doesn’t want to run up to everyone he sees then he’s shy etc. Plus there are expectations of how I should teach him to be independent. His first nursery was great at lots of reassurance and generally letting him tell them when he was ready to head off on his own a bit more so I hope when he eventually goes back to nursery he will be in the 2 year old room they will take a similar approach. He definitely pushes back on attempts to force independence so I’ll just go with the flow and enjoy having this extra time with him!

I’ve ordered the book you suggested so hopefully that will help me to feel better about things too.

Thanks again!

You're very welcome, my apologises for saying daughter (it was late and my youngest had decided to wake up at a delightful 04:46 that day)

My dd was the same at 20 months. In the past few months as she's got more language, I have noticed a change in how chatty and sociable she is out of the house. I think she is naturally more of an introvert and likes smaller groups or one to one's. I think it can also be about stimulation - if you're more sensitive, you're taking in everything around you all the time and it can be a bit much. I second the recommendation for the highly sensitive child book. I think both myself and dh have highly sensitive traits too. If anyone said my dd was shy, I would just say it just takes her a while to get used to new people or places. Other people seemed more bothered by her shyness than I did!

I found and read a kids book about being an introvert. It has an important message of basically let your child be themselves. It's called The Quiet Leopard.

What everyone else says.

I was that shy child. My parent would force me, refuse to take me home unless I said goodbye to everyone, as I got older endless discussions about how I needed to stop hanging back and push myself forward to get what I wanted. If I didn’t get picked for something it was my fault for being shy. Plus the endless comparison with my extrovert sibling.

Funnily enough I have social anxiety now. Hate speaking to people, i can’t read social cues, and I’m constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. Took me ages to learn being on my own was ok, and it didn’t mean I was an unlikeable person without endless invitations or a big friendship group.

Best thing is to model the behaviour yourself. If your child is too shy to say thank you, say it yourself. Don’t say “he’s shy” if he’s reluctant or refuses.