unappreciated by OH & In Laws

[MummytoaprincessXo]

I find my in laws too much at times wanting to constantly be near my child, won’t let me get near my own child whilst I’m at their house and often overtaking my parenting.

However, I continue to put in the effort with my OH’s parents. I send them cards of my child (as they obviously can’t see her), I FaceTime them out of my own time (usually without my OH cause he’s not too bothered), I always arrange to go and see them even though sometimes it drains me mentally, i buy all the thoughtful presents for birthday, mother’s/Father’s Day & Christmas, I take photos of them with my child (they’re not photo people but I’d hate for them to look back and have no photos).

Yet I feel so unappreciated. No thanks, except to my OH ... WHO DOES NOTHING. They ignore me and then go ahead and call me shy... I’m not shy, I just don’t get listened to. When I ask to take photos it’s a ‘maybe another time’.

I want them to be in my child’s life (I could probably put up with the ‘too much’, ‘slightly controlling’ attitude. No one bothers too much with me in his family yet I try and include them in everything I do.

I honestly give up bothering. Who do I talk to this with? My OH? My in laws? Do I stop bothering?

Tell your OH that it is now his responsibility.

it's called the emotional labour and you are doing it all. Took me 20 years to stop.

Stop video calling, don't take your child over, don't make the effort to message, don't involve them with anything. They'll soon see the impact if its left all to your OH. Regarding the taking over, I don't know I still struggle with this. I think it's hard to speak about when they're not your direct family, whereas I can be quite blunt with my own mother about things. Your OH should also open his mouth on your behalf if they do take over, but men don't ever tend to see it the way we do unfortunately.

@Lockdownseperation

I told him he had to sort his dad’s Father’s Day stuff out (I’m not keen on his dad anyway due to things he’s said about me and my family in the past). Yet I still ended up buying his cards from my child and my OH🤦🏼‍♀️ Think I feel like it’s my responsibility and I hate disappointing people. Probably something I need to work on in myself x

@Gwynfluff

How did you stop? Just hand over everything to your OH? Just stop bothering? I struggle with disappointing people but sometimes I wonder why I care about their opinion if they can’t appreciate me...

You simply need to stop. Why are you buying a card from your child? It's not his father? I do Father's day for my Dad. I facilitate our children doing things for DH. Job done. I even like my in laws, but they are not my parents, and not my mental load!

@Anotherdayinmumlife

Love this!! I’m going to do it! My partner doesn’t even bother talking to his parents when we go round he just sits on his phone and I have to talk to them. But he is his mother’s prince🙄. Can’t do no wrong!

I’m glad this isn’t just me. I actually really struggle with going round or holding events like birthday party, Christmas events etc. Please tell me it gets better? Or do you just manage it? I know I can tell me family to do/not to do something without backlash but not the same with his.

Men are so useless! The amount of times I’ve voiced to him my opinions and it’s like talking to a brick wall!

@SweepTheHalls

I don’t know why we do it. But we were both brought up to give the grandads a Father’s Day card (weird when you think about it). I do need to stop though. They are not my parents therefore not my problem x

Many years in and some broader issues in the relationship. We were meant to be going to a wedding (his family) that would have taken quite some organisation in terms of flights and kids. And in the end, I just decided if he wanted us to go, he needed to sort it. We didn’t go.

I just wouldn’t bother. Ex-husband wanted me to do all of this kind of thing, l declined which annoyed him. I had a demanding job and had my only family stuff.

Men are not useless, Op. Stop making excuses for your partner.

We have been married for over 30 years and DH has always written cards and bought presents for his side of the family. Sometimes I have offered to write the Xmas cards, because DH does most of the Christmas food shopping and cooking. We have always been a team and we brought up our DSs to behave in this way too.

I would advise stopping all of this work for his side of the family and tell him it is his responsibility. Good luck!

When questioned about why you didn’t provide a card/video call etc. deflect it back to your boyfriend (he sure doesn’t sound like he acts like an ‘other half’) ‘laugh-did I get your mother a gift?? No, why, did you get mine one?’ ‘When is your dads birthday? How should I know? Why, what are you buying him?’ ‘I have plans, you can take the kid to your mothers house yourself, you must have loads to talk to her about’
‘You’ll have to ask boyfriend about that.’
‘Oh well. You can say about it to boyfriend, I’m sure he can sort it.’
None of this is your issue to deal with, you’re making a mug of yourself by doing it. ‘People pleasing’-who, exactly is pleased here?

Stop doing all the "wife work".

Let your OH sort it all out if that's what his parents want (cards, facetime etc).

Think about the mental relief and how much time you can spend doing things that YOU want to do, instead of facetiming the out laws and buying cards for them.