What help is out there? Struggling with DD

[RoomOnOurBroom]

I'm struggling with DD (8). She is bright but strong willed. She has no interest in doing anything other than playing with her friends or watching tv. No chance of school work. Lots of tantrums. She is reluctant to go out unless it's to play with a friend. This isn't a new thing, it was stressful before lockdown but it's got 100 times worse since. She also follows me around the whole time asking to play, so I'm constantly having to say no to her. She will literally wake me up in the morning and the first thing she says is 'do you want to play with me?'. It's like the scene in Frozen. Except not so funny. She resists any kind of routine and is easily bored. It's intense.
Is there anywhere I can get some support (tactics, parenting course, something!). I'm at breaking point but it's clear she's pretty fed up too. The tantrums are a problem, the constant power struggles (that I try not to get into but it's tricky) and the complete unwillingness to do something different (sports, bake a cake, draw etc).

What is it that she wants to play? Would it help her if you gave her set times solely dedicated to playing with her?

What sort of discipline are you using? She's much too old for tantrums, and school work is absolutely non-negotiable. Tbh i think the "play with me" thing is a bit worrying, isn't she capable of entertaining herself?

It's small world type play or with her dolls. Except she likes to control the game and I get told off if I say the wrong thing (which is literally every time I say something) because it doesn't match the plan in her head.

I have tried set times, but she still keeps pestering.

I know its difficult at the moment due to the virus but when everything is back to normal what about asking her school if there's any after school clubs? she might be more interested if her friends are in one too, maybe try get her to play games while your doing housework like make tidying toys up as race to see who can do it the quickest? maybe try and sit down and talk to her about why she's not got much interest in doing things, maybe speak to your GP and see if they know of any support networks around your area?

Do you have other children? maybe she's feeling a bit left out? (not your fault) and that's why she constantly wants to play and tantrums? x

I'd tackle the school work first then she won't be following you around and her education is important, don't let this slip.
Sit her down, get hr organised and watch her start.
When she's finished she can do other things.
It sounds like she needs some boundaries and discipline, and to know you rule the roost and not her.
It sounds exhausting, what do you do when she tantrums?
Do you discipline her for not doing as asked by you?

I can understand an eight-year-old wanting you to play with her, if she has no siblings and at a time when she is presumably not seeing much of her friends. But its it's difficult for you when you have other things to do.
Could she have zoom meetings with her friends or cousins, grandparents etc to give you a break? Would she agree to help you sort laundry etc if you play a game afterwards? Or maybe she can do an hour's schoolwork and then you will play. One of my children tends to pester and we tell her that playtime will be delayed by five minutes every time she asks.

Can you explain to her that you want to spend time with her but you'd like to find an activity you both enjoy (it sounds like you're not loving the small world play!). Let her choose from a list of things you also like: maybe a bike ride, teaching yourselves to play a musical instrument together, learn some magic tricks together, cross-stitch.

Tantrums, I stick to my guns on whatever I've said, she can't think straight when she's mid tantrum. I try to stay calm. If it's an argument over screen time, she gets screen time removed/reduced. Yes there are consequences for not doing what's asked but it can turn into a battle for power so I try to remove the battle - she's started threatening to not eat supper if she's in a strop about something which is clearly not ideal. I just say 'that's your choice but I wouldn't want you to be hungry' and leave her to it. She normally then comes and eats something but she has to 'save face' if you get what I mean.

isn't she capable of entertaining herself not for long. She might manage an hour, if it's the right time of day (morning usually) - it's taken all of lockdown to get there.

She normally goes to a Childminder's after school, so not much opportunity for clubs unfortunately. We've tried them in the past and at weekends, but she's always lost interest pretty quickly, even with friends going. She says they are boring. Took ages to get her to go to them in the first place, she's quite anxious and a lot of her behaviour stems from anxiety rather than being naughty.

She's not keen on zoom, but will speak to a couple of her friends.

School work - it's great in theory to say it's non-negotiable, but how do you get a child to learn that's doesn't want to? She runs off in tears screaming. Homework was always a struggle before lockdown. It's proving impossible now. She won't even watch educational videos or use apps. It's like the shutters have come down.

She's an only so no sibling competition or peer pressure unfortunately.

Maybe shes just struggling with her anxiety due to lockdown and shes just trying to find things that keep her calm if that makes sense? like her asking you to play all the time might be because her anxiety is playing up, i've had anxiety myself and sometimes i struggled to calm myself, so it must be awful for an 8 year old, maybe look online for some tips on how to distract/calm her?, maybe have a word with her teacher (if at all possible) and just say your struggling to get her to do her school work, they might be able to help you, maybe get her a reward chart so if she does some school work she gets stickers and then she gets a treat at the end of the week if she has got so many stickers?

Thanks for being so understanding xxminniexx I think you make a good point, I hadn't thought about it in those terms. We have a call with her teacher next week, so we will see how that goes. I've tried reward charts in the past but she has lost interest after the first day or so, or the task feels too big for her. With the school work she says I'm a rubbish teacher and that her teacher explains things more simply. She has a point!
I'd love to get to a point where she is more confident and self motivated.

Oh this sounds like my DS who is almost 7. He constantly wants to play hide and seek, cops and Robbers or lego. He does the same thing as your DD - getting annoyed with me if how I play doesn't match the game in his head.

I've started being firmer about playtime boundaries- eg we play for 15 mins then he has to play by himself. This has slightly improved in lockdown but I've come to the conclusion he just likes to be with people/does not enjoy alone time.

Sorry no real advice.

If I speak firmly to him he tells me how mean I am, and the strop/tantrum can go on and on. Its draining tbh.

Anxiety is awful especially with everything going on in the world right now, i don't really know what else to suggest haha, hopefully her teacher will be able to help with regards to her school work and things get better for you! :)

She sounds like my 9 yr old dd. We have meltdowns from her and have to tread very carefully around school work. She also has lots of sensory issues and problems around dressing/the feel of her clothes.

We have some good routines in place that do help. The first is that she has to get dressed before coming downstairs, which she now accepts. This was a source of a great many tantrums in the past as she would refuse to get dressed when we wanted to leave the house. Re school work - she struggles with work and needs a lot of step by step help, so we sit next to her and do it all with her. She almost always refuses to do her work, so I suggest it and then move away and do something else. This removes the power struggle and usually within five minutes she will come around to the idea and become more cooperative. We also say no to any screen time in the morning until she has completed her literacy work. This has helped a lot, as she feels more motivated to cooperate with work as she enjoys her I pad.

Like you, I do a lot of “That’s your choice, but it would be a shame if..... (insert natural consequence). I think this works well with our strong willed girls and as you said, appears to hand the power back to them whilst guiding them to make the right choices.

Re boredom, I suggest to my dd a number of things that she likes to do and will then put a timer on for an agreed amount of time. This way, if she manages a certain amount of independent play, I will match that with some time playing with her or she can earn some time on her beloved horse game.