When do you start teaching right from wrong

[morninglarking]

Do you need to teach children the behaviour you expect from them right from the start? I do not mean should you give discipline to small children but is distraction ok or more recently I'll just give in to his demands whether I want him to do the thing or not, just to get him to stop screaming

Seems like a silly question I know but, my 10m old has started throwing the most almighty tantrums already over us removing forbidden items (which we have moved out of sight and reach but we live in a tiny flat so sometimes I misjudged his abilities to reach things!), stopping him pulling hair or grabbing faces etc

It does get worse when he's tired but I think he's just quite a determined little soul. I'm so worried I'm going to be giving in too much for an easy life because he is quite a screamer.
Obviously I don't give in on things that are unsafe in any way but it's wearing me down already so just looking for some pointers on what's best to do really

Yes, from the off

‘Discipline’ comes from the word for learning, and is the same root as the disciples in religion,

It is not a synonym for punishment or harshness or unrealistic expectations

It is a process that cannot begin too early, and is needed throughout childhood to produce a well socialised adult

Best way of dealing with tantrums is to ignore and/or distract

Because if you inadvertently teach the behaviour that if you scream for longer you might get what you want, then you will produce someone who screams for longer.

Yes it’s hell when tantrums peak (which might happen several times over the course of a normal childhood) but the way to deal with them the fastest is to ride it out and not give in.

I’d be ready to bet your DC can already tell when you mean business (dangerous items). Take that attitude through to everything

Thanks vampire, that is really helpful

I guess I'm worried about becoming a parent who says 'no' so much that it means nothing to the child or being too harsh, it's so hard to know what to do

The gentle discipline book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith might help!

Thanks Llama I did look on audible for something like that, I think I saw that one so I'll check it out

There seems to be a millions different parenting books that probably all conflict so it's good to have a recommendation

My DD is about to turn 2 so I'm a bit further on than you, this is my first too and I felt a bit clueless and worried about this too initially, especially as my DC is 'spirited'. I read 'How to Raise Your Spirited Child' which was useful and just recently 'How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen' which takes a similar approach and was also useful.

For me, the first step is always managing expectations of behaviour within yourself and coming to terms with that. How much can you reasonable expect of your child and their age and stage of development? Etc. The next step is setting your child up for success, which you are already learning to do by removing things you don't want them to get their hands on. I don't just mean dangerous things. We can't reasonably expect a baby/toddler with no impulse control can learn not to touch things so to avoid the issue completely, the best thing is to remove it and the situation never arises.

The next step is trying to detract from a situation before a tantrum begins with things like distraction. Obviously this doesn't always work!

When a full on tantrum is under way then definitely do not give in if you've said no. Like PP said, you don't want to teach them that the more they scream the more likely they are to get x. I try a mixture of distraction and ignoring, making sure DC is safe. Or coming up with solutions 'what can we do so you will feel calmer?' etc.

I also avoid raising my voice and sharp admonishments to keep them only for things that are dangerous. This works well so far as she gets the message straight away as it's rare we do that.

I try to avoid saying no as much as possible, inevitably I still say it a lot! But try to focus on what we DO/CAN do rather than what we don't /cannot. E.g. oh DD I can see you are throwing your food onto the floor, we don't do that because it makes a mess and then mummy will have to clean it up instead of having that time to play with you. How about we put the food we don't want on this spare plate instead? - or if you have finished, let's go and find something we can throw, like a ball. I know your DC is younger but its good to get in good habits for yourself so you feel confident in dealing with the behaviour as it gets stronger as they get bigger and stronger.

FWIW my DD has far fewer tantrums now than she did at 1 and they are generally shorter and less intense. Obviously sometimes you try everything and it doesn't work and they scream for 45 minutes and you don't even know why, but that's kids for you

Giving in give short term gain but long term pain.

There are lots of reruns of super nanny on YouTube etc.

Tantrums are tough, my youngest could hold a tantrum for what seemed like hours. The best one was in Asda supermarket, I had her sister in the trolly seat and she was on the floor pitching a fit. She was safe but to try moving her would have resulting in me getting hurt or dropping her. I just waited it out chatting to the security guard and my eldest.

You will go through stages of felling like all you do is say No, every parent does. Be prepared to distract but don't feel bad for saying no.

Thank you Cake and Meadow, I'm hoping confidence will come with experience. This is the first time he's starting to do this and I just want to do my best, don't we all

I forgot about Supernanny so I'll check those out too, thanks