Wanting a baby dilemma

[Hemmy12]

Hello

So I have 3 children age 7,8 and 9. I always wanted 4 children but didn’t have the last one due to things being pretty crazy when they were young- despite always wanting the 4th. As time has passed, DH is anti having any more. He would have one if I am unable to move on but he wouldn’t choose to have one- feels life is easy now, less attention for our children etc. I cannot however, seem to shift wanting the 4th, no matter what I try and busy myself with. I have a good job etc and I worry that when I hit 40, all of my children could well have left home. These were/are the best years of my life and I worry that I will get to that point and dwelt regret, more so than I do now, not having a 4th but I struggle to move forwards. Has anyone else had a similar situation?

For whom are you having a fourth baby?
I want to say that I empathise with your predicament, as I felt a similar gnawing, unshakeable longing to have DC2. But, our children will leave home one day anyway, whether it's when we're 40 or 60.
It sounds as if this is about you. Your husband would rather not, life is easier. You have a good job, so presumably have enough room and financial resource to support the current and future needs of a growing family. Because, and I hate to be the one who brings this up, but four children is above replacement rate, and the projected carbon footprint and consumer impact on resources of children born into western economies is significant and unsustainable, even before 'replacement' rate reproduction. Which is why I suggest this is about you, and your needs in the present, as opposed to considering the material reality of your children's lives in a not too distant future and the experiences they will have and the choices they are likely to have to make. Bleak but true.

Warmth has said it all really. Sounds rather selfish reasoning. You're all happy now, leave it be.

My concern would be that the 4th one would be left out due to the age gap.
Your children would most likely be at least 10, 9 and 8 of you had another. Yes a baby sibling would be nice for them but once he/she gets older who is going to play with them? Think about the practicalities of going places. Let's say a theme park when the youngest is 5 the other 3 will all be off on the rollercoaster whilst the 5 year old is stuck in the middle rides.
I wouldn't do it.

Kiddie rides

I sympathise with you OP because although some PP's have said it's selfish of you and to your husband and children how has it not been said that maybe the DH is selfish? Why can't he compromise. The age gap isn't that big and the least of my worries would be a child going on kiddy rides whilst the others go on big rides. That wouldn't be a regular occurrence unless you go to theme parks weekly? . My brother was 16 when my youngest sister was born and she has never felt left out.

I have a 10 and 12 year gap between my siblings and it was fine. My children would love a baby brother or sister. I always wanted 4, even before we had our other 3- always. I want the feeling to stop to be honest- but no matter what, it does not seem to be going away any time soon. I didn’t mean it to sound like I worry just about the future when my children are older, I just mean I worry I would get to this age and still have these feelings and it would be too late and it will really hit home by that point whereas now, isn’t too late. So whilst I thank those who feel that I am selfish- have you never ever felt something that you don’t want to be feeling but have no control over it? I wish I did not feel this way- hence asking the question- how do you move on from this because I am struggling.

I don’t think the issue here is that you want another - there’s nothing wrong with the amount of children anyone decides to have as long as they can provide in every way for them. You don’t need to feel guilty or necessarily move on.
The real issue here is that you and your DH don’t agree or share this want.
You need to sit down and hash it out together, otherwise one of you will end up resenting the other.
Try to have an open dialogue about it and decide together.

What happens if number 4 is disabled or leaves you disabled, to give two potential scenarios? Your life is set up beautifully right now and you say you are all happy and content. Why shake the cart with such risk.

As other have said, the issues isn't wanting another kid it's that your DH doesn't want one. Like you knowing you want another one I imagine he feels as strongly about not having one. You may think that he'll love him or her when they arrive but there could always be that underlying resentment about feeling forced into pleasing you. Or it could all work out fine.

Personally I think you are very lucky to have 3 happy healthy children with your DH. There are other ways to be fulfilled (volunteering with children for exanple) without a 4th child.

If your children have left the house by 40 then you will have that time to focus on you - building an identity for you that’s more than being a mum of young kids, while you are young enough to have some fun. Don’t you want that?