Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Where's the line between well behaved and broken spirited?

4 replies

WowLucky · 13/06/2020 10:42

I bought my children up to do as they're told, respect others, generally to "behave" etc.

Now, with them both in their first jobs I wonder if they're too compliant and if I should have allowed a bit more "spirit".

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 13/06/2020 11:03

Apologising a lot.
Afraid to share an opinion,disagree ,say no.
Doubting themselves/changing their mind to hen someone else(normally someone they consider in charge or smarter) expresses an opinion different to them.
Never questioning everything, even to themselves.
Unable to stand up for themselves.
Fearful.

corythatwas · 14/06/2020 10:24

Did you also teach them how to challenge things that were wrong while still respecting others? How to stand up for herself while still keeping to the rules?

I found with my eldest I was so focused on manners I forgot about those other skills to some extent. I did tell her we all have a duty to stand up for what is right but I didn't teach her how.

When she got older and I realised exactly where that gap had led, I did my best to compensate by talking about techniques more than just about the rules. My own experiences, where did I get it right, where did I get it wrong? What were colleagues able to do and what was I trying to learn from them? What might be a good way of handling a certain situation? Explaining how I had gradually got aware that storming in and getting all upset did little good, but staying calm and having the facts at my fingertips was invaluable.

Ihaveoflate · 14/06/2020 10:32

This is really helpful and interesting. I had a very authoritarian father and ended up displaying some of the traits listed by the second poster.

I want to avoid the same with my own daughter but not sure how. I want her to be kind, polite and well mannered but I also want her to be assertive about her own needs, without being aggressive.

Please keep the advice coming, and thanks for your honesty OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

letsgomaths · 15/06/2020 19:20

Out of interest, what makes you think they are too compliant? Is it what they themselves have said about their jobs?

I would say that "broken spirited" means not being "allowed" to feel angry or sad; being told immediately to "snap out of it" without actually feeling the emotion, and seeing it through. Children need to be told "it's fine to feel the way you are feeling". I've been guilty of snapping at my DH "stop being miserable!" when he's down, because I was trained that "miserable" was bad. I didn't understand the difference between feeling miserable, and doing miserable things, such as deliberately sulking.

The book Families and How to Survive Them has some good insights on this, explaining how people can become frightened of anger, so they don't stand up for themselves. It also says that timid children often have parents who say guilt-inducing things like "don't do that, it makes me terribly unhappy" rather than "if you do that, you'll lose that treat".

I had problems like this as a young adult: I was very afraid to stand up for myself, to be assertive, or to push for things I wanted. For example, I wouldn't take something back to a shop because it would create more work for the shop staff, or they might laugh at me. I was also a real stickler for rules, which made me unpopular. I didn't own up to mistakes at home, because I was afraid of being told off or punished; instead I lied and covered them up, which sometimes meant I got into more trouble.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page