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Original poster

Have 1 baby and husband says "Dont want anymore children" - how do I change is mind?!

49 replies

Bennj · 23/09/2007 17:28

Hi,

We have a 14 month old son who is the most fabulous little thing!

I really want another baby in a few years as I dont want an only child and I want to be pregnant again and grow our family.

My husband is totally off this idea and has said he doesnt want anymore children, not even in a few years.

This is really upsetting for me! Is anyone else in this situation or has anyone got any advise for me to be able to make his see the light?!

Thanks

OP posts:

Pheebe · 25/09/2007 09:01

I accidently got pregnant the year before DH and I got married. It was a genuine accident, we went on holiday and I forgot to take my pill and hey presto. Sadly it ended in a missed mc, very traumatic for both of us but I became obsessed with getting pregnant even though DH wanted to enjoy our time together. I, quite fankly, ruined our first year of marriage with my obsessions and had another mc and an ectopic before getting pregnant with DS who is now a happy, healthy 3 year old. I don't regret having him for a second and DH absolutely adores him but I do regret what I put DH through. I'm fortunate that DH is such an amazing person and stuck by me through it all.
He said he was happy with DS and didn't really want anymore and I didn't feel I could really push it but we kept talking (not arguing!!) about it and finally he admitted that:

he was scared to lose me (had some other health problems when it was a real possibility)
he was scared of the responsibility of having 2
he was happy with his boy BUT
if DS had been a girl he would have wanted to start trying again almost straight away.

We're now expecting DS2 in 4 weeks and although DH is very supportive he's not overjoyed at going through the baby stage again but he is still here and is looking forward to getting past the baby stage so we can be a 'proper' family of four. While I'd like him to be more enthusiatic, I'm happy he's here and honest with me. He's an amazing dad and DS1 adores him and I know he'll be just as great with DS2. He's already decided he'll be taking time off work to look after DS2 when I start work again after mat leave so we'll split the load - not the act of someone who is totally resentful and angry at being trapped and as well as I know him now under it all he is pleased we're having another boy, he just can't let me know that

I think the key is honesty and communication. When one person wants a child and the other definiteyl doesn't there is no right or wrong, someone is always going to have to compromise. If he had been adamant about no more dcs then I would have accepted it. It's more important to me that our family is together, strong and happy and that DS1 has a full time dad.

fairyflipflop · 25/09/2007 09:18

Hi there, just wanted to add that I'm in a similar situation. DS is 18 months and I've been desperate to fall pregnant since he was about 9 months! DH is not so keen though. For the past year he's been saying that there's no way we can have more kids. Trouble is, he's an only child and doesn't feel he missed out on anything and I don't have a close relationship with my brother at all. So basically, DH finds it difficult to understand why DS needs any brothers or sisters. Also, he's terrified by the financial implications as he's convinced we'll need to move house again (we won't - that's what bunk beds are for!)

Recently though DH is slowly starting to come round to the idea. At least now is saying maybe more kids at some point would be nice (maybe). Lots of maybes but at least it's no longer a flat refussal!!!

I'm hoping that once our friends start having more kids he'll see how lovely it is and change his mind properly. In the meantime I'm trying my hardest not to nag him about it and just trusting that fate will find a way to bring us more babies!

Sorry, I'm waffling. What I'm trying to say is that I think men sometimes just need more time to come round to the idea. There's certainly lots of examples of that in previous posts.

Hope your wish of more babies comes true soon!

mumbleboo · 25/09/2007 10:01

My DP said when DS was 14months he didn't want anymore, well definitely not for another few years. I thought i could accept it but found it actually made me very sad that DS would not have the chance to be close to siblings etc. I was honest with DP about how i felt without nagging, and then left it pretty much alone. Ds is now 18months , DP has gone from his previous position to saying he would like another very soon, and i am now 8 weeks pregnant. I think we both feel at the moment that another baby can't compare to DS, but i know that will disappear!

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Xavielli · 25/09/2007 10:28

I can understand both sides of this. I have always wanted atleast two children, I group up with 3 siblings so I couldnt imagine not having one. I did find that when I fell pregnant (accidentally) with my second that I felt a huge amount of guilt over the thought of not having as much time for my DS, and he was still so small (just 15months when she was born). I never worried about not loving my DD but I fretted endlessly about DS.

Definitely leave it some time, I think people are right in that your DH will want another one when he sees how wonderful your first grows up to be.

Fwiw, I love both of my children immeasureably and as my mum told me "Babies bring their own love with them, you dont need to search for more." Nothing makes me happier to see them playing together (except maybe when they are both asleep.....)

becklespeckle · 25/09/2007 11:05

This is a tricky one, I would say that time and talking is the best thing. He says his reason for not wanting another is he can't imagine loving them as much? That's what my DH thought and he was adamant he wanted no more, I was devestated and let him know I would like another and left it at that. Eventually he suggested trying again and he adores DS2. After umming and ahhhing for a few years he then decided he would like to try for another and DC3 is due in December.
I was always honest with DH and he knew I wanted another DC but I didn't pressure him and because it was his decision there is no resentment. He is not keen on babies particularly but the DSs are much more interactive with him and he finds them lots of fun.

haychee · 25/09/2007 11:12

Keep nagging, whinging, being upset. Sure to work, hell cave in at some point.

biglips · 25/09/2007 11:13

Had your DH said why he doesnt wants any more children?

pygmyangel · 25/09/2007 13:24

I feel I have to post here as I had to wait until my DS started school before DP came round to the idea of more.
During the 4 year and 4 month wait he used every reason in the book for not wanting any more - can't afford it/ won't love another in the same way/ we've got one perfect child so why tempt fate by having another/ he was an only child and their's nothing wrong with him etc etc.
I think when DS started school, DP realised he was starting to grow up and was no longer totally dependant on us and was not his little baby any more. One day he just had a complete change of heart. We're now expecting DC2 in about 4 and a half weeks time!
I found that not pushing the issue worked quite well. Just waiting and every so often pointing out a few advantages to having more. I think it also helped that DS kept asking if he was going to get a brother or sister.

NorthernRockCod · 25/09/2007 13:24

did oyu think about this before you married?

BandofMothers · 25/09/2007 13:28

I was also really worried I wouldn't love DD2 as much as DD1, but as the pg progressed and I heard her heart and saw her on the scans, and then picked her name, and felt her move I knew I loved her. Was still a little concerned until she was born and knew straight away that I loved her just as much.

NorthernRockCod · 25/09/2007 13:29

did oyu think about this before you married?

izzybiz · 25/09/2007 16:42

On the resentment issue, I dont think there are many men who would resent you or the child once its born, but I think you resenting him for not having another is more likely IYSWIM.

I have 2 Dcs my Ds is nearly 15 and i have a 3 yo Dd, I am starting to like the idea of another, but Dp is not so keen.
Im 31 and cant help but feel if i dont do it soon it will be too late and i might end up resenting him for it.

It is a toughie.xx

lupo · 25/09/2007 19:44

Have to agree with blue stocking on this one!
I am happy with one, dh would ideally like two, but I do thing having another is such a big thing and you both have to want it equally otherwise its not really fair on the other partner who isnt'sure.

sometimes in life you have to be happy with what you have, i would feel pretty resentful if dh 'trapped' me into falling pregnat again and may well reset him for it

NotAlert · 25/09/2007 19:45

Am a bit shocked at people suggesting eiher 'accidents' or a 'nagging until he caves in' type approach. Seems to suggest that somehow the female perspective is more important???? - Don't misunderstand me, it is impossible to compromise on this issue, a real toughie, but it's just too simplistic to follow some of the advice here!

justadad · 25/09/2007 20:27

OK ladies, how about if the boot was on the other foot? I am certainly more interested in trying for another DC whilst DW is definitely against it.

No chance of me forging "accidents" (which I regard as despicable and deceitful by the way).

Pestering? We don't do pestering or arguing.

So will I regress into a sulking, festering mess because I'm "not allowed" another? Of course not - I'll plough all my energy and love into the wonderful family I've got. Will there be regret? Time will tell, but I'll work hard at that one!

Mumie · 26/09/2007 08:00

I can empathise because I would also like to have another child but dh doesn't. He has lots of good reasons but then so do I BUT I wouldn't want to have a second child without his full agreement and support. I'm amazed that anyone thinks nagging or intentional accidents are a good way to resolve this. If the situation was reversed ? nagging would make me stubborn and also angry that my feelings weren't respected; an "accident", would remove all trust and I'd be very resentful. So I wouldn't treat my dh this way.

I think that talking is the way to go ? but if you can't agree then maybe you need to decide what you really want most and make a plan based on that? We are leaving things at the moment as dd is only 8 months and have agreed to talk about it again in a year.

I hope you and your dh come to a decision that makes you both happy. Good luck

oopsiedoopsie · 26/09/2007 09:03

totally agree NotAlert, the whole issue of 'accidents' etc. is awful.
If this happened to me, not only would I still be concerened for all the original reasons, but would then question whether I wanted another child with someone so deceitful and untrustworthy.

HarrietTheSpy · 26/09/2007 11:12

There have alos been other threads recently re people's partners wanting them to have terminations because they don't want any more children. How would you deal with it if he took this approach!? I think you need to judge how strong his feelings really are about not having them...and try to bring him round.

newgirl · 26/09/2007 11:24

definitely wait for another six months at least and dont go on about it

i would not have been ready at 14mths - i was ready for another after three years

my friend's dh left her recently - their two are close in age - he just wasnt happy - without going in to too much detail - you both need to be ready else it could cause all sorts of problems - which is not good for anyone especially ds1

chloesmumtoo · 26/09/2007 12:18

Poor you, I feel sorry for any mum who wants more children and partners dont. Its very difficult. I tend to think being a women its your right lol. I know I used to feel pretty stressed at the topic with my partner a number of years ago. I used to want three and he didnt. Now my second has lots of allergy problems and keeps me on my toes I dont want a third but I remember it being a horrible feeling out of my control. Its proobably the best thing to not worry to much yet like everyone says. You dont want to make it a big issue and then maybe things will happen naturally as your other child grows up. Its time to enjoy a little bit of time and then who knows you partner may feel differently. I didnt have my second until ds was just starting school. Thats when you realize they are growing up and he may want another. Im sure if he knows how much it means later on he may sway. You'll have lots of time to yourself then to give to a new baby. As for the love thing wow the second one certainly gets loved just as much. Especially when they are then the cutie, youngest of the family. Dont worry Im sure if its what you really want it will happen. Just dont rush yet. Your only now getting over the sleepless nights and not at the playschool stage yet lol. Good luck though

hanaflower · 26/09/2007 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chloesmumtoo · 26/09/2007 12:42

Yeah good point. As I said mine are 5 year apart. Difficult when older one wants to do his big boy things and theres a little one around. Other times when it suits they enjoy eeach other. Especially now they are older. All swings and roundabouts

Jackstini · 26/09/2007 21:55

Sorry Bennj - had mad work stuff and didn't get back to you.
I guess if you talked together about having 'children' then you can be forgiven for presuming this meant more than one!
Does dh have siblings? Just wondering if he liked being an only child/hated having brothers or sisters? I know what you mean, I had a lovely childhood with my sister and she is my best friend now so I am really keen to have a sibling for dd
Has he given any specific reasons for not wanting any more?
Please keep talking about it and see if you can just agree to keep the subject open for a while. Your ds is still very young and if your target is 'a baby in a few years' at least you have time for him to think about it

Rhubarb · 26/09/2007 21:59

Your ds is only 14months. I guarantee that when he's 3 your dh may well feel differently. Somehow, when they are 3 you forget all about the sleepless nights, the endless crying, the feeds, the sick, the poo, etc. Everything starts to pann out, the kid gets potty trained, gets ready for nursery, starts talking and saying really cute stuff, is affectionate. Most people start thinking about another one when their kid is 3.

Ignore him for now and give him time.

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