Repercussions of cheek/insolence and non compliance?

[unicorn]

We have a very challenging dd (8) who has been hard to 'manage' since birth.

Anyhow.. this morning she is supposed to get up and go to mass with me, and she basically doesn't.

I wasn't getting into a fight but told her that we wouldn't be taking her to gym this pm, and she says 'don't care'.. so we crank it up again and tell her no more brownies then- no reaction.
The thing is we want her to do these activities (which she seems to enjoy) but she needs to learn that she can't just do what she wants to do and not fit in with things that have to be done.
This is not a one off, we have many issues with her defiance, and I have raised it at school (where it doesn't seem to be a problem)
I don't know whether we have lacked consitency in punishments/ or not been tough enough.

Plse don't tell me to ignore the bad/reward the good/stickers/pasta jar (she is 8 remember)etc.... It is also not just a phase... she has always been a very defiant child.

We have tried the whole kit and caboodle of techniques.. and am now just feeling the softly softly approach does not work for her.

Any suggestions and please be gentle with me I am 36 weeks pregnant and really fed up!

I wouldn't keep piling punishment on punishment, tbh. She may not give you the satisfaction of showing she cares, but she will. She just won't let on. One incidence of misbehaviour = one sanction.

I know, but it just doesn't seem to be much of a punishment, she's busy playing in the garden - apparently not bothered about missing gym this pm.

that just really irks us.

surely a punishment should have some effect on them?

Yes, but if the original punishment hasn't worked, then you need to think of a different one for next time, not just add more punishments in desperation. Just escalates everything.

I don't have an 8yo (although I have experience of them) but I think if I was grounding someone I'd make them do something really boring, not let them enjoy themselves in the garden. She should be tidying her room or doing some other tedious chores.

Actually, if you send her round my way, I've got a ton of housework she could be getting on with.