How to keep being mum in lockdown

[WingingIt101]

I have just had my first baby.

A little over 10 week ago.

The day lockdown was announced to be exact.
Plus DH and I isolated for the two weeks prior to that as soon as my mat leave started.

I adore my.baby. She is so incredibly beautiful and happy and is hands down the most incredible thing I have ever done.

Yet despite this overwhelming love I am exhausted. Mentally I don't know how much more I can do.

DH is good and helps as much as he can however he is not furloughed and cannot work at home so he is out of the house Monday to Friday and currently doing unavoidable long hours (today he left home at 615am and returned at 1930 as an example).
I have done ten weeks of being a brand new first time mum with no baby groups, all health care support delivered over the phone, and one socially distanced afternoon with my parents in their garden.

I feel so awful that I feel so desperate for some help and normality. I can't help but think that of it weren't for covid and I could have a friend or my mum had my baby just for ten minutes I would feel better, or if I could stroll down our local high street and stop for a coffee without being terrified of someone getting close to us, if I could just have a cuddle from my mum, if I could witness my Dad holding his first grandchild that I wouldn't feel quite so emotionally exhausted. I feel as though I have to be hyper alert all the time for her safety and care - I'm sure I'd be extremely sensitive to this even without covid but even if having my mum hold her for 2 minutes so I could have a wee alone I'm sure it would mean I knew someone else was taking ajust a few percent of the mental load.

Please someone tell me I'm not mad. Or that I'm not a terrible mother for wishing I could have more help than the absolutely nothing that is this shitty situation. I feel so guilty for feeling this way - people are dying, people can't go to their loved ones funerals, people are isolated alone and are losing their jobs and I'm upset and exhausted with my beautiful perfect little baby. Please be kind, I know there will be people who think I should be so happy to just hunker down and enjoy the newborn cuddles - and I am, but if one more person says that I think I'll scream. After 74 days of it I feel desperate for normal human contact and some help

Bumping.

Is anyone there to reassure me I'm not awful?

I just read this and wanted to reply. You are NOT awful. You are doing so, so well. Poor you, it’s a tough time anyway, but to combine with the upheaval of being a new parent.... It has been a long slog and such a shame you haven’t been able to share the joy of a beautiful new baby in person with those who matter. Sending I’m probably saying all the wrong things but I wanted you to know that I read your post.

Hang on in there!

You are not awful :)
One of the things I remember from my first was how proud I felt when random people would stop and look in the pram and say how lovely DD was :) Not the same at the minute with the masks and gloves:( Hopefully when things come right again families can all get closer than before and make up for all the time weve missed. I bet shes goorgeous

You are doing amazingly well - hang in there!! My baby is 6 months old so I benefitted from friends / family / baby groups / face to face healthcare for the first three months and honestly I still found it so tough and lockdown is just so exhausting anyway doing the same thing day in day out and just feeling like you are in survival mode.

Lockdown aside (which is difficult as I know it makes everything harder), I really felt like I turned a corner after my baby turned three months - they start to do more, develop more of a personality, become slightly more independent and less fragile so I really hope you find the same and things start to become easier for you!

With restrictions starting to ease as well hopefully you can see a few more people - even outside at a distance it might help?

You shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel. It's totally understandable. Can your DH take over a bit when he is home? Even just taking the baby out at the weekend so you can be alone to relax?

It is much easier being a new mum when you can meet up with friends and see family and you've missed out on that.
Hopefully, this situation won't last too much longer.

I second what ELM8 said
My DS is 6mo so I got to have some 'lockdown free' time with him but still found it incredibly exhausting and overwhelming (and this was with my mum staying for the first month).
I'm constantly worried about his health (both physical and mental) and stress about leaving him to go pop the kettle on or use the toilet. I'm sure a lot of this is 'first child syndrome'!
Some things that have helped:
Bouncer
Him growing up a bit and being able to use a Jumperoo
Handing him over to DH as soon as he gets home and announcing 'I'm having a bath now!'
Making that cup of tea even if he's whinging

Fingers crossed social distancing is over soon and you can soon enjoy baby classes, coffees out and lots of cuddles with grandparents xx

You are not alone @WingingIt101! I am right there with you, just a week behind. My DS is 9 weeks today. This is not how I imagined things would be. Extremely tough. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUM!!! This is so so bloody hard. Solidarity sister! Xxxxx

Here to reassure you that you’re not awful and that it is a shitty situation. Don’t let anyone tell you that what you’re feeling is somehow invalid and don’t feel guilty by comparing to others who “have it worse”. Having a newborn is hard work at the best of times - and let’s face it, these are not the best of times. You are doing a brilliant job.
My baby is now 1, and I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have a newborn at the moment, especially with partners who are still out of the house working long hours.
The things that kept me “sane” were the 10 minutes to myself when my Mum came over or the visits from friends, baby groups etc.

What I’d say is - you can’t change the situation but you can change your mindset. Taking your baby out of the house for lots of new experiences (just a walk to a local park or a quick drive out to some green space if you have a car) - take a coffee from home and get fresh air and exercise for yourself. If you have a sling it will be like cuddling your baby and getting some exercise. Maybe a socially distanced picnic with your parents or a close friend?

There may also be baby groups where you can “meet” other Mums online. Hoop is an app that normally lists face to face groups and activities for children so that might a good place to start and a way to meet other new mums and share your experiences.

And if you feel like you’re really struggling and you need more support call your GP or Health visitor - they’re still open for any worries and concerns you have and would rather hear from you than not.

Good luck and I hope things feel easier for you soon (and apologies for the essay...!)

Thank you all so much for your kind words.
It sounds silly but I do give myself little pep talks that it'll be over soon and try to think of practical things we can do that might help but my resolve lasts a little less each time!

DH is great and will take her for a bit when he's home but even then I'm.struggling to relax - he will tell me to go take a nice long shower and I still shower like I'm on speed feeling an overwhelming sense that DD needs me for something (she doesnt, she is perfectly happy with her capable father!)
Thank you again for being so kind and making me feel less alone. I really needed it x

OP my daughter was born on the same day, but she's my second. I've said all along I'm so glad she's not my first because I'd be so much more overwhelmed etc if she was my first.
I keep telling myself that my parents aren't really missing much by not meeting her- she doesn't really do much and they'll bond later.
I am really missing the freedom of going for a coffee etc too.
Selfishly even things like presents I've noticed we've had WAY fewer than we did with our first so it's all so different.
It sounds to me like you are doing amazingly well. I think what you say about the shower etc is normal, but as she gets bigger you'll feel less and less like that- it's just hard to imagine now.

YANBU to feel anything you're feeling.

My baby boy is 8 weeks today and I feel the same as you. Its my first baby and the whole experience is different to how I ever imagined and I often think to my self - I what have I done bringing my son into all this mess.

I'm annoyed my husband couldn't come to scans towards the end and that I couldn't finish work before mat leave. Didn't get chance to say goodbye to my colleagues who I get on well with.

I'm upset that I had to be induced alone, I was so scared.

I'm annoyed that I can't go to the children's centre to get him weighed and checked, meet other mums etc..

Sick of phone calls with the health visitor, would have liked to have actually seen someone for help and support.

Paranoid when I go outside as there are so many people not following social distancing.

Getting cabin fever as I've been at home since March 16th! Only really been outside to give birth and walk around the block.

All other follow up appointments for myself have been cancelled, was meant to get my bloods checked as I had geastional diabetes and was on blood thinners. Was meant to get my stitches checked - cancelled. Even for me to go back on the pill they didn't even check my blood pressure so feel let down totally.

Childminder I was going to use when going back to work no longer taking new families so can't even enjoy my mat leave as I'm worrying about childcare.

And all this before you realise your son hasn't met anyone and haven't got a clue when he will see anyone!

I feel your pain, its a rubbish time to be having a baby x

My baby is 11 weeks old on Saturday and all I keep doing is crying, my boyfriend is back in work and has been due to being a key worker

I'm having a terrible time with her reuc and they have told me to try her on lactose free milk baring in mind no one has seen her to diagnose this, she has has 3 feeds of it so far and I feel like she's choking after her feed

I phoned the drs and they said I can speak to one on the phone Thursday can anyone help x

My baby was 11 weeks old yesterday and im exhausted and tired. Im tired of these four walls, im tired of having no help, im tired of it all

@WingingIt101

Just wanted to tell you you are not alone. I feel extact how you've described. I actually long for someone else to be able to hold my daughter while I have a cuppa tea. For her to interact with another person!! Shes my 3rd I also have 2 older boys and my husband has just been furloughed but i still feel the same. I feel like we've missed out on so much, baby groups, going to town and people telling me shes cute, family holding her as a newborn and so much more. All i can try to do is reassure myself it will come in time and were all healthy so it's fine.

Also with the anxiety of them needing you so you rush everything that's perfectly normal well at least it has been for me after each baby. But it's a stage and it does get better. I promise. Slowly you'll start to relax the older they get the more they can be entertained. Things will get easier. Hope this helps.

Thank you. I really appreciate the replies and not Feeling so alone or guilty for wanting a tiny piece of space.

I’ll admit I cracked yesterday. Ended up at my mums and I hugged her. I couldn’t do it any more I just needed it so so badly. I know there are people on here who will absolutely flame me for it but we don’t go anywhere else or see anyone and at least this way there’s a tiny chance I won’t burden the nhs with a mental breakdown!!

Sending you all very unmumsnetty hugs ladies.

I really think everyone with a new baby in this time is in such a challenging situation, particularly if it's your first, and it's one that isn't spoken about much.

I've just got my fingers crossed that things will slowly start to return to normal. X

Hi there,

I just read your message and wanted to echo what others have said about this being such a challenging time for new mums, and how it sounds like you are managing it remarkably well.

For you or others that may be interested, Gentle Journeys is a service for parents of babies and toddlers under the age of five, run by Zara Rahemtulla and myself, Kerri Walster.

Gentle Journeys, are offering peer support groups during COVID-19 for parents to focus on recent experiences of parenting and reflections on how to overcome the challenges heightened by the current context. Groups are 45 minutes, with 3-4 parents and is run on Wednesday evenings or Friday mornings. For more details our website is gentlejourneys.org. Group sessions are £3 each. Please spread the word also if you know anyone who might find these helpful.

For more info you can email us at [email protected]

Wishing you all the best,

Kerri & Zara

100% feels OP. My DD is 9 weeks old and I’m feeling 100% the same- life is a constant cycle of feeling depressed about missing out on just interacting with other people, having a normal maternity leave and enjoying lots of fun activities over summer. Then I feel mega guilty that I’m not just happy with having a beautiful healthy baby and a healthy family/secure job etc.

There is no two ways- this is a shit situation- we don’t get the early day memories and time back, it’s not like a wedding you can just postpone and that’s the hardest bit about all this.

For us we’re trying to get out the house every day, whether it’s just to pick up bits of a shop (using small local shops rather than supermarket to reduce risks etc) , gives a bit more purpose to the day.

I have hugged my mum and my children are 9 and 7! I would have moved in with her when dc were babies if I’m honest, or moved her in with us-I did this anyway with no covid!! You’re doing brilliantly and no wonder you’re finding it hard.

Can you go round to your mums for an hour in the evenings?

Or you could put lo in Pram in garden while your mum is there and she can look after them while you nap/shower for an hour or so.