Make me feel better - breastfeeding

[arianwe]

I have written a few posts asking for help regarding breastfeeding, so this might be familiar. But I think I am now at the point of giving up and I feel so so upset.

I have been breastfeeding (using nipple shields) over the past 2 and a half months. At a HV appointment I was told she was really quite small and had only put on 2/3 pounds in 9 weeks. I panicked and thought it was due to nipple shields and tried to get her to latch naturally again. She latched properly some of the time, but a lot of the time she pulled off. She then started refusing the nipple shield and wasn't taking much milk at all so I started giving her more bottles of formula or pumped milk.

She's now at the stage where she hardly ever takes my boob (sometimes does with shields) in the day time, but will in the middle of the night. I find I'm pumping and she's having all that in one feed and it's just non stop as I have a 2 year old at home too, so don't have all that much time to pump.

I decided today that maybe the best thing would be to stop and go to formula. I've been upset every day working g out what the best thing to do it. I feel absolutely distraught. I feel like I've just split up from a boyfriend and feel really heartbroken. I'm worried that I haven't explored all avenues and I'm scared that I will regret this decision forever. Are you supposed to feel this upset when you end breastfeeding? I don't even know if it's the right decision. I'm worried the bond will end it I stop. Any advice?

I BF my DCs for 15-17 months each and I felt sad and emotional when I stopped each time, and beat myself up for not continuing longer. After a month or so those feelings passed but at the time they were very strong.

You’ve done your best OP, these feelings are normal but they won’t last forever I promise.

I am pumping exclusively because I have twins and feeding directly was just not happening as I was awake all the time! I supplemented with formula until my milk came in. I have a good supply of milk, but wouldn’t think twice about formula if I didn’t. You’ve done really well to get this far, and at the end of the day you can still have lots of nice skin to skin with baby without feeding, and a fed baby is a happy baby. There is so much pressure to breast feed, but you have to just be forgiving of yourself. Babies are hard!

I feel like I had to respond to this as your post is pulling at my heart strings. My son is 13 months old and I breastfed until he was 6m old. He slept through from a few months old and from then on my supply was on a steady decline, until it got to the point at 6m that I realised enough was enough and I moved him onto formula. I carry a horrendous amount of guilt around with me about it and even now, 7 months later, I often cry about it. I have no idea why as I know I made the right decision at the time, but it absolutely broke me as I felt like maybe I should've done more. Maybe I could've gotten up every night to express milk and maybe that would've increased my supply, or maybe I should've taken supplements to help, or eaten differently etc. At the end of the day, my decision to stop was the right one. My baby knew absolutely no different. He is happy, healthy and thriving, despite the fact I didn't continue to breastfeed as long as I wanted and our bond continued to get stronger regardless.

My point is this - you've done your best. Despite what some people may think, breastfeeding is gruelling. It's tough mentally and physically, and yes I fully believe that breast is best, but not at the expense of the mothers physical and emotional wellbeing. You've done it - you breastfed. Your baby has had huge benefits from it already, and if now is the time to stop then that's the best thing to do. I guarantee your baby will be a lot better off with a mother who is happy and not stressed that her baby isn't gaining weight, a mother who doesn't feel like she's spending all her down time expressing milk, and a mother who can relax and just enjoy her baby rather than punishing herself for not being able to do it for as long as she had planned. I'm not saying you should give up, I'm saying that if you do decide to, please don't carry that guilt around forever. You will always be her mother and she will always have that bond with you, whether you breastfed or not.

It's ok. You have done fantastic thus far. bottle/formula is completely fine. Breastfeeding can be so very very hard and it's completely normal to mourn the end (even when rationally you know why you've decided to stop... the heart/emotions can take some time to catch up). Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you so much everyone.

I had no idea that I would feel so absolutely gutted about this. With my first Daughter I breastfed fir 4 days and I didn't care at all when I gave up. I had planned to formula feed again this time and was really shocked when I felt like the breastfeeding was going really well.

Nice to hear that others have felt similar (not nice, but you know what I mean). I want to cry my eyes out when I think about not having any milk left and how I'll never feel that painful feeling in your boobs when your baby cries etc.

I'm not a particularly emotional person normally but I feel heartbroken. Thank you so much for the replies x

I'm not surprised you are upset. It is such a close, emotional bond with your child.
But if you are struggling so much and worried about your baby's health then don't punish yourself. Go for what is right for you two together. You can still feed her and be close.
Any time at all breastfeeding gives your child a health advantage so by BF for nearly 3 months you have given her a great start. Be proud of this and try not to be so hard on yourself for any imagined failings. You've done really well.
Also, everything is harder with two children. Give yourself more of a break for this as well.
I was sad when I stopped BF my second child. Knowing that was it, but it was time.

I had a very similar experience to you OP with my first DC. Breastfeeding was a struggle but, as a first time mum and very stubborn I stuck with it. I wish I'd had a health visitor kindly tell me to pack it in but I didn't.
When I look back at photos my baby was super skinny and he cried so much even when I thought he was fully fed. It makes me feel sad to think that he must have been hungry and I couldn't see it at the time.
Eventually I got the hang of it and I mixed fed him until about 9 months but I honestly wish I'd given him more formula from an early age.

In my view, it's our job is to feed our babies. How you do that is a non-issue (it's not like you're giving her coffee or a can of coke). You might even find that you can continue with the night feeds and bottle feed in the day if that's what you want. But ultimately as long as your baby is happy you're doing just fine x

You have done so well. I didn't manage a fraction of that time and I was so so guilty when I gave up. I read a book that a poster recommended to me at the time called "guilt free bottle feeding". It was amazing and really helped me to put things in perspective. You know your baby will be fine, you have another who was formula fed and is fine.

I feel your pain. I have a 8 day old who won't latch and it's tough! He had quite a traumatic forcep entry into the world and his head was so bruised he hated being touched. He ended up with formula top up from such an early age he got a bit latch lazy and it makes me so sad.

@mrsmummy111 I can completely relate to how you feel and I think I will also be looking back on this in a few months time and still cry my eyes out occasionally! Doing 6 months is absolutely amazing! Thank you for your comments, you have made me feel a million times better about the whole sh*t situation.

@thejoysofboys it's so hard when you look back isn't it. It's the same with my Daughter, her legs and arms are really thin in pictures from even a couple of weeks ago, and she was having 2 bottles of formula a day then. She looks a lot bigger and healthier her the last 2 weeks when she has been having more bottles but it's hard to admit.

@mylittlesandwich Thank you! I shall give it a read.

@Lemonysherbet oh bless him, I hope his head is starting to get better. It's such a horrible feeling when the feeding doesn't go as expected. It's horrible how something that's meant to be natural seems to be so incredibly hard for so many of us.

I thought tonight that maybe I would try doing night feeds on the breast (just prolonging the inevitable really). She fed for about a minute on each boob and fell asleep. I then Tried the bottle and she downed all 5 ounces. I think this really has made me realise that formula is the way forward. I look back and realise that this is what she had been doing for a lot of her feeds, and clearly she hadn't been taking enough milk. It hurts so much and makes me so sad but I think I've got my answer.

Thanks all

Ooh not sure what I did there with the stars and the bold writing! Ignore!!