Feel like a failure as a parent and a let down to myself.

[Lydw98]

Feel like I'm not providing enough for my 4 year old DS. I feel like everyone else incorporates fun activities and learning experiences at home and I just don't and when I do try to do activities my DS doesn't even want to know. Just point blank refuses.
I'm constantly anxious that he's stuck in one type of play mode and blame myself for it- he only plays superhero games with action figures and copies what he sees on TV programmes and it never really varies from that. He likes to play Lego but again the theme is always based on superheros.

We incorporated a 2 hour screen time rule about 2 years ago but mine and his dad's relationship has been so so bad over the last year that our routine and screen time just got thrown out the window and I'd say every week im saying "right back on it this week, routines and TV time is coming back"...it lasts a couple of days and then we are back to square one.

When he was a baby, we still had as much stress in the relationship but the routine was always consistent and I set out sensory play activities and letters and numbers etc all the time but now I don't even know where to start. It doesn't help that he seems so unwilling to take part in any of my suggestions and when we do do them, he just acts silly and it seems like he's doing everything in his power for this play op or activity to end so he can go back to doing what he usually does.

I am an almost qualified Early Years Practitioner with around 4 years of experience working with children between 0-5 years and honestly I am doubting my own career choices if I can't even apply them to my own child. During lockdown we spent the first 2 weeks doing handwriting/phonics and maths activities which he just had no interest in paying full attention in and it just ended in a stressful battle of will with him to pay attention and do what was being asked with each day that passed. His school only sends daily activities and half the time I haven't got the resources to do most of them and again he just straight blank refuses to take part. He is very strong-willed and stubborn think he got a double dose of that because me and his dad both are like that. So yeah, I feel like I am doing nothing to encourage his interests in education and learning.

I struggle with mental health and my partner is suspected ADHD which is a new thing we have found out and makes sense but I find it so hard to do absolutely everything by myself, I have to think of every single aspect of mine, my DS and my partner's life and I get burnt out so quickly that the thought of playing one more superhero game almost brings me to tears.
I'm full of guilt and anxiety most of the time, my house never seems to be tidy although I feel I'm cleaning it every day, multiple times...I have one day off and it's a complete sh*thole again. Then I feel bad, telling myself how is my DS gonna learn any life skills when he lives in a pig sty.

I just can't stop constantly thinking how other parents are doing a better job, what do other families do everyday? Is my child going to grow up unmotivated, depressed and will grow to hate me? I always wanted to be the "fun" parent and the educational parent but I'm finding it so hard and I don't even know where to begin. My DS is an angel in disguise, he has an amazing personality and is such a character and advanced for his age and I just feel like he would be much better off with someone else who knows what to do properly.

I just don't want to mess him up, I'm so eager to not be like my own parents but I feel like I'm failing massively. He deserves someone who can set up fun activities and has the money to do so, someone who wants to play with him all the time, someone who can provide a happy family for him, because I don't feel like I can.

Sorry for the really long post but I'm really just feeling so down and low.

What do you guys do everyday with your children? What is your daily routine?
TIA

Bless you, you are a good mother for asking this. You obviously care! It might feel selfish initially but try and do something for your own mental health..you cant pour from an empty cup!

Breath... and smile just quickly!
People who post the pictures and videos of their children playing with all activities fail to usually tell everyone that their children only pay with the activity for 10 min max! (Trust me Iv tried!)
My son is 2 and is obsessed with animals! Like every thing we do is to do with animals! I ask him to get a book (he picks the animal one) ask him to get a toy (it's an animal)
I asked a friend of mine what I can do to stop it being so constant and she said to simply..... faze it out, he will want to play with them as it's what he's use to and what he sees everyday ! So slowly i have replaced some animals with other toys like cars ect. I won't take his favourite animals away but the other ones I have for now. I try and incorporate the cars with the animals and make them seem really good fun to play with!
It's seriously hard work, so I know how draining it can be when your child is like that.

I can't say much about the home life situation other than, your doing a great job even on the days when it doesn't feel that way. I often hide and cry in the kitchen as I get so frustrated! Talking to my sons dad is like talking to another child! (Doesn't Listen)
I just have to pick my battles now! And usually just put on music and try and get in a happy place to stop any arguments before they happen!
Always here to talk! Or rant! Just keep smiling as much as you can. Xx

Thank you both for your kind replies. They have certainly cheered me up.
Poppy1989, I may take your advice about the music before the arguments thing as I can often get drawn into frustration which leads to arguing and then I feel bad all over again for our son.
You are highly likely right about the fact they only do it for 10 minutes, I just struggle to get him engaged at all, maybe I should make home fun and keep the learning at school if it makes us both stressed. I don't want to give him a negative view on learning.
Thank you for the tips of fazing things out...never thought about this. My experience from settings is they toy rotate and I have no room in my dinky flat for that haha. So thank you for the kind words and advice xx

Your more than welcome!
Ohh I'm definitely bad for the arguments too, I feel something bothering me and I get worked up and then think I'm about to burst!! Let's just say over the last year me and my sons dad have got good at arguing quietly! (Usually through gritted teeth) 😉 it's all normal though. Iv never come across a family who doesn't dislike each other most of the time and stress about their parenting skills!
My sons nursery told me that someone's "solo play" (just leaving them too it) it the best thing to do. I spent a lot of time trying so hard to play with my son, that when he didn't I got upset. Now I explain, "mummy's going to drink her tea and you can play on your own, if you want me to join in, just come and get me" and sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't.
Just make sure you take enough time to do something you enjoy too. We often forget about ourselves after running after children and partners 😉 xx

Don’t be so hard on yourself - you sound like a lovely caring mum.

I have a 4 yr old ds too and he is really into Zelda (game on the Switch) and ninjas (after watching Hello Ninja!) Much of his play incorporates these two themes. I actually find it quite useful, as I use his interests to encourage him to play independently. For instance, I made him some (rubbish) Zelda figures from play dough and that helped to inspire him to play at the table whilst I got on with some jobs. He is always showing me his ninja moves and I try to copy him which makes us both laugh.

Don’t worry too much about the educational stuff. My ds has been quite delayed across the board (especially speech and socially) so I have been concentrating on practical skills for school - such as dressing independently, turn taking and accepting that you can’t win every game (tough one). I’ve taught him to say “better luck next time” rather than gloat if he wins. He can write his name and loves numbers but the other letter sounds can wait until school.

In terms of things he does at home - walks, bike ride (handle on back of bike), obstacle courses in the garden and with cushions/footstools etc in house, water in the sink or long bubbly baths, board games with me, play dough, building up tall block towers and kicking them down(!) and a good dose of gaming/television time too.

My 3.5yo DS is exactly the same. He point blank refuses to do most activities I try and do. One thing I've found that sometimes works is I just get something out and start doing it/playing with it myself. For example, I'll just start drawing at the table. A few minutes later he is intrigued and comes over and joins in. However, it doesn't always work and he has spent so much time watching TV while I feed his DS2 (4months). It's crap and I have had the same feelings as you that he'd be better off with someone else. I'm trying to put less pressure on myself but it's so hard.

Dont worry op, we're all struggling!

If he has a superhero obsession try relating everything to that.
Hey DS, let's draw some superheroes! If you were a superhero what colour would your cape be? Right let's draw it. Mummy's superhero name is going to be Super Duper Mum! Shes going to have extra strength and the ability to stop time! Do you think you can draw Super Duper Mum?
For numbers would could get his superhero toys together and count them. Or whilst playing go, super ds is going to rescue the toy sheep, how many are there? 8? Oh no, that means 1 is missing, where is it? How many do you have now? Etc etc.
Going outside? The superhero needs to keep fit, can you do a super run to that gate and back? Can you do big superhero jumps across the field?

Well you get the idea! Learning as he goes along rather than sitting at a desk sounds like the way to go with your lo.

I really like this Playful Parenting book. It's helped me a lot over the years.

But due to lockdown everything is a train wreck in our house. Everyone is fed up and sick of the sight of each other, so you're not alone! I think it would be helpful for you to get support with your anxiety so that you have a stable base to parent from. If I don't feel okay I struggle to implement the techniques from the Playful Parenting book. Getting help and extra resources for yourself is sometimes central to being able to care for your kid.

Take it easy, though. And don't look at social media!