I've had enough

[attheendofmyropenow]

NC for this. I have 3 dc aged 13, 11 and 4. I'm a single parent and shielding. We haven't been beyond our home boundary in 11 weeks. I am doing a college course and trying my best to hone school the younger ones. Eldest gets work set online and usually just gets on with it.

Their attitudes are awful and today I am wishing the 13 and 11 year old did t live with me and feel awful for feeling like that. I've just had enough of being treated like shit.

Today I asked dds to bring the hoover down so I could hoover downstairs. I got told "do it yourself." This is after them promising yesterday that they'd stop all the horribleness. Yesterday they were supposed to tidy their room (dd2) and clear one of the landings (dd1). They didn't do I said they'd have to do it today. They've said a flat out "no, why should I."

Their tablets have been taken off them, no tv. They don't care. There are a little else I can do. It's almost as though they are trying to goad me into smacking them.

Last week I told them due to the disrespect and attitude, making a mess and refusing to clear it up, dumping the clothes I'd washed and dried and folded for them on the floor then just putting them back in the wash basket instead of putting them away , that I would no longer do their washing or make their meals until they improved. They are quite capable of doing both. They accused me of denying them food and said they'd be contacting social services.

They do not see their dad due to abuse. They've not seen him since Christmas and it's going through court but of course everything is delayed at the moment.

Ds does not see his dad either but for different reasons.

When I have ds on his own he is mainly lovely. When with his sisters all hell breaks loose. Bickering, physical fighting, screaming, they are awful to him and he just plays up all the more and gives as good as he gets.

I am exhausted by the constant disobedience, arguing, rudeness and the way they treat me and their brother and the affect they have on his behaviour. They all love each other and have times when I think I've imagined the horribleness because they play so nicely together.

I've tried a reward jar, rewards in general, sticker things, taking things off them, reasoning. They don't give a shit.

I recently did house rules with them and how screen time would work from then on. Nope.

I don't know what else to try and it's affecting my mental health now. I'm exhausted by it all.

Domestic abuse services have ended their involvement because there are other families in greater need at the moment. I get that but I feel abandoned and very lonely trying to be a decent mum and my children telling me several times a day how crap I am.

This sounds so hard OP.

There’s a sense that there’s 2 of them (DDs) and only one of you. Don’t let them threaten you. As long as there is food in the house you’re certainly not withholding food by not serving meals up to them.

What are they doing once tv and tablets are gone? Do they have any other devices? I’d make sure everything was taken off them and tell them not only are they to bring down the hoover, but also to do the hoovering too. They get nothing back until they cooperate.

God that was long

Hmm tricky OP. Sounds really hard and I feel for you.

Perhaps try asking them to do a chore by saying "If you Hoover the lounge for me, then you can watch TV/have your tablet for a few hours"...so they immediately see that helping around the house gets them a reward? Whatever job they do, however small...thank them for their help, say something positive about what they did. I tend to find this works with my son when hes in a lazy mood and doesnt want to help. I often find he ends up doing more to help that way as he gets encouraged and then gets the mop out etc!

They don't have any other devices, no. Dd2 likes to read on her tablet at bedtime and cries and wails like her life is ending if I don't let her read. She knows that her tablet will be taken off her but still behaves badly then it's all my fault for sticking to what I said would happen. I recently spent a lot of money on her pet that her dad had got her. She wanted it here but what he brought with it wasn't appropriate and I've spent about £150 for it. I did get her to put her birthday money that she had left towards it though.

Dd2 is on a different floor and keeps sleeping with all the bloody lights on. I've bought smart bulbs/plugs so that I can control them at night. She just switches them back on once I'm asleep.

I've changed the WiFi password and the firetv code and nothing changes.

Unfortunately they need screens for school work and I don't know how to take everything else off to prevent them YouTubing or gaming on them.

School work is a always finished by 3pm so they have plenty of free time afterwards to do what they like.

Dd1 is sometimes really good at doing extra things to apologise and I always praise her, hug her and tell her how much I appreciate it. She's always really happy about that but quickly goes back to being rude and refusing to do anything she's asked to do.

If I tell them not to do something they do it anyway. Reverse psychology doesn't work either.

Every time I have an assignment to do dd1 in particular demands the laptop and makes it very difficult for me to work by interrupting, picking fights, saying her tablet isn't good enough for doing work and she has to have the laptop and I'm preventing her from doing her work and she'll tell social services.

I get it totally op.
Unfortunately I don't have advice as i have recently packed Dd15 off to her dads as I am sick of the attitude and laziness and running to her dad every time I said no as he would say yes. She wants him to make the decisions he can make all of them for her.
I would say routine routine routine. The one who likes reading can read an actual book she doesn't need a device to read.
And don't give in, not just this once.
I'm sorry I'm not much help but pm me if you want to rant.

Oh and let her ring social services if she wants.
She has access to everything she needs for schoolwork don't let her blackmail you.

Thank you. I wish I could oval them off to their dad's. They'd hate it there.

Sounds really tough. Have none of you been outside your home boundaries for 11 weeks?
If so, find a safe way for you all to get out, for a walk / to a park and release some of that stress and energy. That may help the situation.
Hope things improve and others have ideas for you

Thank you. Apparently I am worse than their abusive dad and they don't see why they should do anything and want to live there. Except the police and social services have said no contact. It's bad enough that he is abusive without them treating me like shit too.

It's really busy here on the footpaths according to neighbours. I'm trying to figure out how to get out and about for a walk safely. The park is very busy. Canals busy. Maybe very early in the morning round be ok, or late evening.

In this situation it might help if they did call social services. They are abusing you - a conversation may possibly give them help or they may be told it isn’t an issue. Either way they wouldn’t be able to use that threat again.

Well dd has hit ds. Again. She's been told that if she did it again I'd be speaking to social services. He's annoyingly and winds them up but it's no excuse to hurt him. He's 4, they are 11 and 13. She's hit him twice today. I'm not tolerating that.

Op, what can social services do that you can't!! Stop giving up your power. Your their mother. I'm sorry they treat you by shit by the way. Do you think maybe they're resentful of your health condition? I ask because you mention you're shielding. Also you're studying so maybe they are jealous of your time..... not making excuses for them they sound hardcore but a friend of mine had a similar problem a few years ago.

Good on you and definitely follow up on it. Neither you nor your DS deserve to be abused

@roxfox any advice on what I can do? They have the same condition as me, just not as severe and it doesn't affect my life normally. I am a SAHM and always there for them and yes they do seem to resent when I want any time for myself. I'm doing the course to get a job that gives me school hours so I can still be there for them. My previous nursing career made it next to impossible to give them what they needed. I ask that after 8pm that I am left in peace to relax. I thought that reasonable but no, they object to me having a snack when I'm watching tv or reading and seem to resent any time I have for just me. 11 weeks of only having time to myself when I'm asleep is breaking me.

I certainly think the older two are old enough to be sat down together and you describe and explain to them everything in your OP here - they need to be told how their actions/inactions and harmful behaviour and hurtful words are affecting your mental health OP - they are treating you in a way you would not ever expect them to treat, say, a friend of theirs - they need to be told about this immediately. You are going to suffer if you don't start speaking to them like grown ups - they have no right to be treating you in this utter disrespectful way. They also need to vent their anger towards their parents' separation either with a therapist, with eachother or with you, as it's clearly affecting them and they are misplacing their anger and hurt.

They are awaiting counselling via the domestic abuse service. We've been separated/divorced 8 years so it's not new to them. Dd1 and I have pmt at the moment which doesn't help and dd2 is very hormonal it seems. They are lovely children, very loving, funny, creative, caring, imaginative and affectionate and are doing great at school. They just have absolutely no respect for me on a daily basis. I've always been fair and firm and followed through on what I say. They needed consistency and I gave them that. Dads house is a free and easy but they've been away from there since Christmas and I thought they'd improve. I was wrong there.

Is there anyone in the family who can act as a back up OP, someone who can explain to them that they ARE being disrespectful towards you in their attitudes? If you ever have those conversations about respect for others and how bullying is wrong etc. then in place of a partner, you need a grandparent or close family friend to take them aside and explain to them their behaviour towards you. It's difficult telling them yourself by the sounds of it, as it's become a "nagging" from mom that's simply falling on deaf ears.

My mum has had many conversations with them. She'd have smacked my bum so hard I wouldn't have sat down for a week if I'd had dared to speak to her like they do me. My dad would have knocked me off my feet. I was never rude or disrespectful to the point of more than a telling off though. Well, as a teen. I got the wooden spoon or wet hands on the backs of my legs if I gave cheek when younger. A rare occurrence as I knew that wasn't the way to behave. I got bolshy and retorted "didn't hurt" once. Once. Because the next smack really did hurt! I was about 7 or 8 and thought I was being clever. I don't advocate violence at all though.

I only seem to have negatives today, sorry. I'm usually an optimistic person who is seen as strong and a coper and a fantastic mum. If only they knew!
Tomorrow will be a better day. Routine, shopping delivery with chocolate. An early night tonight for all. Breathe, just breathe. And pass the gin

Sounds like a combo of pent up teenage angst, lockdown, mom vs. dad and typical falling out all in one hit. Get your raincoats on and go for a walk in the rain - there will be less about, the youngest can splash to their heart's content in puddles and you can shake a few wet tree branches over one another for a laugh - fresh air does often clear the cobwebs.

Ah this sounds so hard. I think any family would struggle being stuck in the house/Garden for this long, especially with 3 children and only 1 adult. It’d be odd if you weren’t struggling in this situation!!

I wonder if you can sit down with all the children one on one at some point and speak them individually. Maybe ask each one why they are finding hard and what they think would help may the days better for them. I wonder if there are little adjustments that you could all agree on that might make the days smoother. Then maybe tell them all the changes you want to try to make the days better for you all. Maybe they have some activities the can think of that will help fill the time/changes the days about a bit?

Like others I think getting outside the house in a low risk way could do you all wonders. Maybe drive somewhere to go for a walk and picnic.

How much longer do you have to shield for?

What about trying to get more involved with the older two during the day. Some one on one time to go through their school work. They sound a bit bored to be honest - and it’s not easy to solve it given the current situation. They need to start seeing you all as a team.

It sounds really tough, OP! I feel for you. I notice from your posts the anger from your older dcs. Obviously we’re in a situation that’s likely to make anyone angry, but I wonder if they are processing what happened with the end of your relationship. When children are aware of or see a parent being abused by the other parent, it’s confusing and they see that parent being denigrated, may act out in disrespectful ways. You say one of your children is waiting for counselling. Hopefully that might come through before too long. It sounds crucial they (and you) have a separate space to express your feelings. I’m struck by the detail about leaving the lights on at night; that could be carelessness or anxiety. Quite childlike feelings such as fear of the dark might be asserting themselves just now. Plus hormones. Plus all sorts. I agree with pp who suggested things to do outside the house such as walks. Less chance of confrontations, less pressure to hold eye contact and often a more relaxed environment leads to a deeper conversation.

Thank you. I had an earlier night last night and feel better this morning. I'm grateful for the suggestions and will see what works.dd1 is ok so far this morning. Routine helps definitely.

Well, I've deleted all their games and YouTube and deregistered their tablets so they can't download any more games. They have hit the roof. They only need tablets for school work. I've said that when they're behaviour improves they can earn back their favourite games. I did warn them this would happen if they continued so it shouldn't be a surprise.