Struggling with identity being a young parent

[Maddie2019]

I’ve had my little boy for 3 and a half years now, and he is my whole world. I had him young, wasn’t planned but the best surprise ever at 19. Me and his father are still together and have really progressed. I work full time in a good career, as does my partner, we are currently buying our first house, being able to holiday etc. I think we’re the family that people look at and think we have it together which adds more pressure!

I feel like I have completely lost my identity becoming a parent. I don’t suffer from depression or any other major mental health issues, except from low self esteem which i know i’ve created myself. Because i was a young mum I was really judged and felt like I need to do so much more for people to accept us as a serious family unit.

I don’t dress the way I used to (Frumpy jeans and sensible clothes), rarely go out on any nights out because i feel judged. Now i know this is my own problem, and only me can change this, but does anyone else feel the same way?

I dislike the person I have become, i’m still so young and don’t want to spend the best years of my life hiding behind full maturity and those typical mum clothes in fear of being judged. (Not that there’s anything wrong with this for others, it’s just not me!)

Maybe i’m just insanely paranoid, but do others think that young parents are judged more than older? I feel like i constantly have to pull out all the stops and i’ve completely lost myself because of this!

Sorry for the long post, I just need confirmation if anyone else feels the same.

I totally get how you feel. I had my DD at 22 and DS at 26, I’m now 27 and have a 4 year old and a 1 year old, so not very young, but young’ish.

Definitely get what you mean with the clothes thing 😂 We we’re supposed to be going away this month, unfortunately got cancelled due to COVID, but when I was shopping for holiday clothes back in March I found it tough, constantly torn between ‘well why can’t I wear a crop top, mini skirt etc etc I’m only 27? And you’re a mum of two! You will look ridiculous!’ 🙈

I had a major identity crisis when I had my first. I was the first of my friends to have baby, myself and my friends had just graduated, I hadn’t long had my foot in the door at my first job and I was off on mat leave, meanwhile my friends we’re getting really stuck into their careers, going on girls holidays, festivals, weekends away, nights out and I felt very excluded. I have a great relationship with my fiancé (who I’m still with) and great family support but I still often felt lonely, and I just didn’t know who ‘my people’ were now? I went to mother and baby groups, we live in a fairly affluent area, and because of this I was often the youngest mum there, a lot of the mums there were a good 10 years older than me at least and just on a completely different wavelength. With a lot of the mums there I felt we were just making ‘small talk’ & the only thing we really had in common was our children.

Since returning to work full time it has gotten better. I feel more like the old me again and not just a mum. My DD is starting school in September which I’m hoping will give me the opportunity to meet more fellow parents and get out and socialise more which I think will help a lot too. Plus a lot of my uni friends are now starting to get engaged, get married, having their first babies and as I approach my 30s and my old friends are starting to settle down I think it will be easier to reconnect and find some common ground and hopefully rekindle old friendships.

For me loneliness has definitely been a big contributing cause for my ‘identity crisis’ but I don’t think that’s exclusive to young mums, it’s a big life change for anyone. But I think when you’re young and you don’t feel as if there’s anyone out there you can really relate to it’s hard to know who you are any more, how you should behave, how you should dress etc etc. But it does get better 😊

You sound mature which might set you apart from some of youth culture.

I think that people whose identity is based on their youth primarily suffer an identity crisis later.

Cos we all start out young. So it is the lazy Go To identity.

@Mumtobe193 Thanks so much for your reply, you have literally just summed up how i feel! You particularly hit the nail on the head with the clothes! It’s summer, other girls my age are looking very nice and I really do feel I can’t dress that way due to being a mum!

The only difference from you is that I live in a fairly poor area, teenage pregnancy rates are somewhat fairly high and you could say we live in the ‘rough’ part of Cornwall which makes me even more determined to show everyone that’s not me (despite this being detrimental!)

It’s reassuring so hear i’m not the only one feeling like this. I have actually just contacted a therapist to see if i can have some help overcoming this. I would love mumsnet to be able to cure me but realistically that’s not going to be the case :(!

@maddie2019 I totally get what you’re saying. I can be the most insecure person in the world and I hold back on doing the things I want to do for fear of being judged. But I really think it is so important that you continue to do the things that you enjoy and wear the clothes you feel good in or you will start to lose your sense of self. As long as your children are loved and well cared for it isn’t anybody’s place to judge you if you wanna wear young trendy clothes or enjoy an occasional night out clubbing etc. Dont resign yourself to being a frumpy mummy if that’s not the person you want to be. The part of your post where you said you don’t like the person you’ve become made me feel really sad because I think your priority should be liking yourself, regardless of how other people think you ‘should’ look, dress and behave. I do get that it’s so hard to find that self assurance though and I really am the worst at taking my own advice so 🤷‍♀️