Totally lost it, feel so guilty

[PapercraftNinja]

I just need some reassurance or similar experiences please!

I know I’m totally in the wrong and shouldn’t have lost it at DD but I shouted at her simply for crying. She wouldn’t eat or drink anything she just kept saying she wanted a cheesestring... I wouldn’t give her one and told her why, so she was crying.

Gave her a spoonful of her lunch she spat it out it and started crying. I said I know you are tired and hungry mummy is trying to help you.

Then she screamed and started crying and making herself gag. So I shouted There’s no need for that AT ALL stop it!

That obviously made her more upset so I picked her up and said I’m sorry please just stop and I started to cry myself.

She’s settled now and we are watching tv but I feel sick with guilt.

Has anyone else done this? It’s definitely a build up of being home alone with her 247 due to lockdown and oh working out of the house long hours and I feel run down myself.

I know I need to address my behaviour and ask for help but if anyone has any advice or similar experiences I’d really appreciate it

Move on, as long as this is happening regularly then just forget it and try to contain yourself next time. Step away , mutter FFS in your head and leave it at that. I know it feels like giving in.

Children are tricky with food, pick your battles. Could you have bribed her to eat 3 mouthfuls for a cheese string?

Give her a hug and say sorry Mummy got cross/ angry, I will do better next time. You're still learning with these new circumstances and your little one is still learning too. It's ok to make mistakes on the way.

*isnt happening

Thank you, that’s definitely given me the perspective I needed. It absolutely doesn’t happen all the time I very rarely shout that’s why she got so upset!

I should have just given her a bit of a bribe but I was thinking I can’t let her have her way. Wish I’d done that rather than feel like this and upset her!

It sounds as though you might be giving yourself a bit of a hard time here.

I would be inclined to suggest that you need to address your behaviour if you are regularly losing your temper with her, but if this is more of an isolated incident I would say you should cut yourself some slack - we all lose it sometimes when we are run down and stressed.

The fact that you are writing on here, asking for advice, and worrying so much about this, shows that you are a good mum and clearly have her best interests at heart.

Try and have a relaxed afternoon together and spend some time doing some things you both enjoy, like colouring or playing with her favourite toys together. It will make you feel much better

Take care xx

Don't worry we all get like that sometimes. Sounds like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself I'm trying to get her to eat/do certain things when you're already feeling the stress (I know, I do this myself) but when you're feeling a bit rubbish just let them crack on for an easy life if it's only over silly things like a cheese string. You can tackle those sorts of things when you're feeling up to it.

I've got 2 toddlers and it's been hell through lockdown, my anxiety has skyrocketed - and because of that I'm trying to make a conscious effort to make my life easier. If that means frozen pizza one night and quick pasta the next with not a dot of veg in sight I'm trying to see the bigger picture and remember it really won't hurt for a little while.

What I'm trying to say is, try and cut yourself some slack and make life easy for yourself right now.

Thank you all, I think the pressure thing is right, what do you do about that? It’s so hard when you put all your energy into making sure they are happy, fed, entertained, safe, etc etc and it’s bloody hard on days like this.

She’s done it again! She ran into my bedroom asked to play with my jewellery box, I said no sweetheart i don’t want to lose anything, so she proceeded to pull it off my dressing table! I took it off her and just calmly said “I said no” so she screamed and cried so much she was sick!

Am I doing something wrong?? Wtf is going on lol!

@thomaszthetank sorry you’ve been feeling it too especially with anxiety. I totally get what you are saying but I feel like it was one of those moments where even if she had the flipping cheese string it would have been something else. Get your point though and absolutely will be doing more of that! Thank you.

@beachmist your reply meant a lot thank you, I think she’s just not in the mood today and neither am I. She’s normally pretty chilled and responds well when I say no, but I’m trying all sorts with her today she’s not having any of it. Even leaving her to play she’s getting frustrated that I’m not giving her attention or when I am I’m not doing it right!

@ishouldtryabiteachdayy I did what you said and feel better for it thank you, I gave her a hug and said sorry and I was upset because I’m tired too and let’s have lots of fun today etc

Fingers crossed things get better! Maybe teething still or a growth spurt/ not getting enough sleep (me or her? Lol) x

How old is your dd? I'm guessing about 3.

You're not doing anything wrong. Your dd might be coming down with something, she might just be out of sorts, she might be as fed up as the rest of us with lock down lite.

I agree with thomazthetank - just try to make your life as easy as possible at the moment, recognising that it will all be temporary. So if you don't want her to look through your jewellery box, hide it or only have a couple of things that you don't mine her looking at in it. Or make it an event to sit down with you and look at things if you're happy to do this etc.

Something that helped me with very young children was when I realised that my well-being was as important as theirs. More so, really, as if I went under there would be no-one to look after them (bit dramatic, but you get my drift).

It's your job to provide a range of nutritious food. If she doesn't want to eat it, just disengage and definitely don't try to feed her.

That sort of thing.

You aren't the only one. This situation is a pressure cooker.

Have a google of 'rupture and repair' and it will likely sound very familiar but also give you the reassurance that it happens and we're only human. Sounds like you did the best thing by giving her a cuddle and saying sorry, we can't help snapping sometimes.

How old is she? They go through spurts of testing boundaries and trying to exert a bit of control over what they can do.

It's fucking annoying tbh.

oh good, just one of those days -or it's a full moon tonight so could be that ?!

@Bflatmajorsharp that’s a great idea make her her own. Nearly 3 yep! The thing is though I just don’t want her to have to get her own way all the time too. I’ve found that I’ve done that way and I’m wondering if this is why she’s reacting badly now? Who knows but I’ll give your ideas a go, thank you :)

@SnuggyBuggy thank you, I feel like she’s picking up on how I’m feeling.

@mynameisntlouise that’s great, thanks! I googled before and got into a massive guilt overload about how shouting is worse than hitting so it’s helpful to have to guidance x

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz yep you aren’t wrong there!

It may well just be that to be honest. Going to sit in a friends garden later despite the weather and have a glass of wine for a bit of a change!

Christ, I remember when DS was a baby and I shouted at him to shut up

Think of it like this- it's good for children to experience a wide range of emotions, and actually it's really beneficial for children to see a 'mistake' being made and then the apology afterwards, it helps them learn that people aren't perfect

Very true. And constantly being shouted at or seeing one of their caregivers shouting at another person is awful for children.

Mum or dad having enough, losing their shit for a moment or two is completely normal tbh.

My mother was a big believer in 'not letting children have their own way'. It resulted in huge power battles and me ending up not knowing what I wanted in anything, and feeling hugely resentful that she as the adult chose to create these unnecessary battles.

It's easy to create a win-win situation like with the jewellery box. Your dd wants to look through it, you don't want anything lost, so you look through it together.

Regarding food, keep it very simple both for you, so that you're not disappointed if she doesn't eat it and for her. as toddlers tend to like things that they know what it is. Put a few different things on a plate (let her have some choice in this eg cheese string or cheese cubes) then let her eat what she wants. Don't comment on what she doesn't eat other than 'have you had enough?'

Thank you all. Totally get where you are coming from about letting her have her own way but I think we were just both tired and I understand I could have taken a different approach really in those situations I do feel really bad about that. She’s still a bit clumsy and I didn’t want her losing anything so I think with the jewellery I really couldn’t have won, I would have had to say no/take it off her/distract her at some point if she was careless with it.

The worst part I feel so awful about is the fact I shouted at her when she was already upset.

But I really appreciate everyone’s advice it’s actually really put everything into perspective