Pressurising in-law during Covid outbreak over 5 month old

[Huddersfieldlass]

Hi

Please can i have some advice about how to handle a pressurising in-law. I had a son in January a long awaited son after 5 losses which included death of a son at 35 weeks pregnancy in 2018.

Its unfortunate after having our son in january this year we were so happy but it timed with my partners grandmas serious decline in health of cancer. To the point his mother didnt come to hospital to see our son and only visited twice before lockdown started. She lives 40 mins away. We did go up to see her once. But i also went back into hospital for a few days after his birth because i was unwell so didnt travel far myself.

I find his mother to be very demanding with my partner, she gives advice without being asked for it but her advice is very out of date and gets offended if we dont do things her way. She seems to believe I should bring up our son as she did with her two sons nearly 40 years ago.

My partners grandma has passed away sadly and his extended family have come back to the area to help sorting out her house (although they shouldnt during coronavirus regs). Shes pressurising me and my partner into taking our son up to meet them inside her home.

As well as the fact they want to do a wake for his grandma after funeral and again would like our son to attend. Ive already said no to my partner, ive tried to compromise and suggested going to see his mum so she can see baby on her own. Or her coming here so can have a barbeque in garden. But again thats not enough for her.

i think he is getting pressure from his mother to do this her way to see the whole family. I have seen his brother and sister inlaw for a walk outside with their sons round a park for an hour. But thats not enough for her she wants our son to meet the extended family cousins etc that have gathered for his grandmas funeral.

After what we have been through iam very scared of covid, for myself and my son particularly i dont get why she cant understand that. But it feels like she wants to make me look unreasonable. Can I get some advice please how to deal with her ? Or advice if you think im being unreasonable ? Advice how to deal with my partner as well, i feel like hes scared to stand up to his mother. Thank you

Stand up to her now and put your foot down otherwise this is going to go on forever.
I wish so much I had put my foot down to my MIL when I first had my son, I didn't and she's an absolute nightmare.

Send her a message and say something like -

I appreciate you and the extended family wish to see baby, this is against clear government guidelines and I do not wish to break any rules in relation to this.
You are more then welcome to come to our garden, per the guidelines.
Please let me know when you are free to come see us in our garden and we will get it arranged.
We are looking forward to seeing you

If she responds and goes on again about it, just be direct and say you have explained the options and you do not wish to discuss it any further.

I think the bluntness and directness will help here, if she pushes you over now and gets her own way it will NEVER STOP!

I got on so well with my MIL before baby, she then became so demanding and throwing her weight away.
I don't even talk to her anymore it got so bad!

Good luck

I'd echo what pp said and their suggested response! Maybe also add something to say that as baby has only seen very limited people so far, seeing the whole family at once may well be too overwhelming for him and you don't want her mothers wake to be taken up with an overwhelmed, upset baby?!

My mil would be the same, as soon as restrictions eased slightly weeks ago she wanted to come over and she had a fit when I refused! And this is with us video calling every other sodding day! We saw her and fil in their garden on Tuesday, as per new guidelines and she made a comment about 'still think we could have done this ages ago' 🙄 Ds got fussy after about 40 mins, he's nearly 6 months old and seeing other people for the first time in almost 3 months must be a lot for him to take in!

Oh and also, ignore any outdated /unwanted advice... I'm breastfeeding and have been told 3 times to stop, give bottles and put rusks in them to make him sleep!

Good luck op... Babies make mother in laws go a little bat shit I think 🤷‍♀️

Honestly echo the advice you've had so far!

Within about 10 minutes of the 'you can go in gardens' advice, we had a text off MIL.
The baby is yours and your turn to parent however you see fit. Unfortunately, this often means you may upset people but that's a small price to pay for your own family happiness. Yes, it's nice to involve everyone but I don't think babies know too much about who they're missing out on thus far! There will be plenty of time when you deem so and baby needs chance to get used to everyone without being overwhelmed and having strangers wanting them for hours.
Stay firm and follow what you want to do, you don't have to be rude, just firm!

I'd echo the great advice from other posters - firm but polite is the way forward here. I appreciate he might not want to, but can you speak to your oh to at least present a united front on it? I've had to do the same to my own mother (although she is not pressurising us) as my wife and I are of the same opinion regarding not taking any risks when it comes to CV and babies.

I think you and your partner should treat this sensitively as your mil has just lost her mum and so might not be thinking logically. Could your DP do a doorstop visit? I have a 6 month old born just before Corona (after multiple losses and 10 years of infertility treatments) and so I understand your mindset - but I have paid doorstop / socially distanced visits to family so they could see him.

Thanks for all the advice everyone appreciate it.

Yes will stand firm thats probably best way to deal with it without resulting in arguments. Which isnt the way i want to go. I know the SIL had argument on argument with MIL and as i say they have no relationship now 7 years after first child and barely speak. But I totally sympathise with SIL on all this.

@GrumpyHoonMain no she wouldnt accept that. It has to be her way or no way. Ive tried to do video calls with her but she doesnt want to do the call. She has laptop and mobile for work so not a lack of confidence with facetime just that it doesnt do it for her she expects to see him, hold him
in her house or thats not enough. She says things like all this coronavirus regulations are stupid and doesnt seem point in it all. She will say things like people can die crossing road so why bother. She basically doesnt like being told what to do by us over our own children or by anyone. The SIL has invited her to see her kids from a distance at front of the house they live 15 mins away from her..sister in law works at hospital and her partner is a key worker both doing crazy hours at moment. she promised to go and then just cancelled at last minute everytime, because she doesnt want to have tk stabd outside and talk to them. They have rang her and had same lack of interest she never rings any of us. She just wants it all her way or no way as ive already said. Ive offered compromise meeting outside or in garden but thats not enough for her. I wish we had as respectful in laws as yourself but sadly its not the case for us. Im just trying to find a way forward without an argument which seems to be the only thing she understands.

Thanks everyone for the advice i will stick to being firm and stand my ground with both my partner and MIL

@Huddersfieldlass gosh she sounds just like my MIL. I hope she 'gets' it and can do things the way you wish.
As I said, I no longer have a relationship with mine and all because she wanted it all her way- it's just crazy!

Let us know how it goes :) x

If you give an inch, she'll take a mile.
Sil fell out with her when her children were born so it's obviously her way.
Actually, covid gives you a great excuse to start standing up to her and setting boundaries. If you can't do that, even with government guidelines to back you up, then she'll control you throughout your children's lives and you'll have this in loads of areas. In fact, she'll ramp it up as she knows she'll be able to get away with it.

Practice with the easy covid excuse now, and it'll be easier later.

My mil has placed similar pressures but I’ve discussed it with my partner and we’re standing firm. I’ve pointed out we didn’t have a baby for everyone else to dictate and that keeping our baby safe is our job and priority. As others have said if you bow down now it will be much harder to reclaim control