Feeding to sleep- trapped

[SRK16]

My 8 m/o has always been a terrible sleeper. To cope, and allow myself to get some sleep, I let him feed to sleep. This is fine right now, but I feel trapped as the only one who can get him to sleep, and very worried about how he will manage when I return to work.
How have others stopped feeding to sleep? I keep saying to myself that today’s the day I’ll start trying not to, but then it comes to it and I feel I have no real strategy. I don’t want to do any crying it out.
I thought maybe I could start by doing his pre nap/bed feed in a different room?
He’s EBF (though now on solids) so cant get his dad to give him a bottle and feed that way. Well I say can’t- I don’t think he will take a bottle and feel stressed about trying.
I feel I’m a big part of the problem as I’m so stressed/anxious about him not sleeping that I’m almost paralysed by it and don’t know where to start in moving things forward.
I do have a consultation with a sleep consultant booked in a few weeks, but I don’t feel very confident. This person doesn’t seem to be the typical controlled crying type of consultant which is why I chose them, but I think I generally feel quite hopeless.
Don’t know if this makes sense, I’m sleep deprived 😂

What is it about the bottle that you dont like?

My suggestion was going to be to get your other half to do the bedtime routine and give him a bottle. Do you use a dummy?

I fed both mine to sleep for over a year. I actually loved the ease of it and the comfort and closeness it brought. Some of my favourite baby memories are feeding to sleep and the sleepy cuddles in my arms. Don't beat yourself up for doing it, I know I did. Eventually I did night wean both of mine as they were waking so much with no sign of getting better. That just involved changing the order of bedtime so feeding before cleaning teeth and stories and waking if they fell asleep during feeding. Then not feeding for any night wakings at all. Both reacted furiously to begin with with a lot of crying but after a couple of nights they happily went to sleep by themselves.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene it’s not that I don’t like the bottle, he’s refused is when we tried so I’ve given up. And now feel like he gets in such a state at nap/bed time that I’m reluctant to try it. Maybe I need to get my husband to try again.

@geojojo I just feel like I can’t cope with him going beserk when I don’t feed him. I don’t feel guilty about feeding to sleep- I like it- I’m just worried about the fact that my husband can’t get him to sleep and what will happen when I go back to work

I didn't stop feeding to sleep until 16 months (3 weeks ago) we have moved to gradual retreat but I'm now stuck in the room! I do wish we had started this a bit earlier so you may have more success with it.

No advice I'm afraid but I could have written this post.
I did for a while unlatch her before she fell asleep and then just held her until she was asleep but she isnt having that anymore .
I co-sleep and basically use cribs for storage so if nothing else, at least you can be assured that you're doing better than one other person

Will your husband have to put to bed without you being there then? If so I think you will have to deal with a bit of crying to break the habit. As long as you are with them and you know they are safe, they will soon work out that feeding is only for the daytime. You may well be surprised by how your baby adapts to a different bedtime with your husband though. The first time my husband did bedtime without me I fully expected to come home to both children still awake and screaming for me but all were asleep and when my toddler woke in the night he asked for daddy instead of me.

You need to be out of the room at least and out of the house preferable when it is tried.

Not just handing him over at that time, but being out of sight for the whole bedtime routine.

I wouldn't touch instant coffee if there was a jug in front of me with proper coffee but if there was no access to proper coffee then I would console myself reluctantly with what was available.

Crap comparison but - where there's a choice I'll have what I like. If there is no choice I'll have what I'm given.

I know it can't happen at the moment but it can also be better if it's not even Daddy but someone else. Most parents can tell you about babies and children eating and drinking things at friend's houses or school.

I used to unlatch my daughter just as she was falling asleep. To start with she'd instantly root round and wake up so I'd continue feeding her, unlatching her again the next time she drifted off. Eventually she would fall asleep and be happy to not have boob back. Once that association was broken we did as others have said and my husband put her to bed. We were lucky in that she found her thumb so could self soothe relatively easily, but you could try a dummy or rocking/swaying as this at least doesn't solely rely on you.

It wasn't quick, but it meant we didn't have to break the feed to sleep association and have her going to sleep without me/by herself all at the same time.

With my first I fed to sleep every night but once I felt confident that she didn’t need the nutrition of milk in the night I stopped offering it then. We eventually used a slow and gradual retreat approach to bedtimes to avoid cry-it-out which was tiring and difficult at times but she’s now 4 and goes to sleep on her own by 8pm most nights. My best advice is decide on a strategy you are most happy with (which could be to continue to feed to sleep if that’s the right thing for now) and stick to it. Don’t change things without a plan because it will be too unpredictable/confusing for little un (and you!).

I think if you replace with a bottle or dummy you will then be battling with weaning from those so I wouldn't bother. I would just try and break the feed to sleep association in whatever way you can or want to.

You're unlikely to manage it without some crying, so I'd just brace myself for that if i were you.

When DD was about 5m i got sick of spending an hour each night sitting alone in the dark feeding her to sleep. I started waking her up a bit before i put her down - did that for a week, and then started feeding her in a bright room and putting her down awake, then after a week of that i switched to giving her a bath after the feed instead of before. There was crying, but not much, and we didn't leave her to cry, we stayed with her until she calmed down, and then left her to go to sleep by herself. Once we'd cracked bedtime we did the same with naps, and now at 7m we've had weeks of peaceful evenings and easy naps.

Thank you all for replying.

@geojojo he won’t need to put him to sleep without me currently, but it will make life much easier for both of us if he can. I’m particularly thinking about my return to work in September and how our childminder will get him to nap. And how he will cope without daytime feeds?! But maybe I’m really overthinking this. Agree re dummy, don’t think it will help.

@Khione I know you are right really. The last time we tried was in February and I went out for the afternoon. My son was very upset and refused the bottle hours. Eventually he did have a little bit but I think he and my husband found it very difficult. I can’t go out for the whole bedtime at the moment obviously, but maybe I could try a nap time as a starting point? Doesn’t feel as horrific as bedtime...

@Mummyongin I definitely feel I need a plan. Not just to not confuse him, but so I feel I have something concrete to do.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow really want to avoid him being upset if I can and try and come to some gentle way of moving forward. No idea what this entails 😂

On the plus, this evening he did go to sleep without being fed to sleep! I didn’t do anything really I think it was more down to his mood to be honest. I fed him like usual, he didn’t fall asleep, I cuddled him and he fell asleep when I put him down. Could do with this continuing!