At the end of my tether..completely broken, shattered and exhausted

[iwishiknewthatbefore]

I just don't know what to do anymore, it feels like I've tried everything and nothing ever works! My DD is 20 months old. She's always been a great sleeper, she slept through since she was 5 weeks old and only ever woke up in the night when she was teething or ill. Not a big deal, she still went down OK in the evening. She would have a bottle of milk in her cot and then just fall asleep on her own. This completely changed in March. For 2 whole months I have been completely exhausted and feeling like a failure because I can't get my own daughter to fall asleep. She stands up as soon as I put her down in her cot and keeps screaming and crying until I pick her up. She's also learnt to climb out of her cot so I have to physically stay with her until she falls asleep. I either lie down with her in her cot or take her into our bed, she drinks her milk and then sits up and gets off the bed, heading straight for the door, I put her back in the bed and then she find something else to do/cry about. This goes on for no less than 2 hours EVERY night. My DP is there with her as we speak and don't expect him to come down until about 11pm at least. It's so frustrating, we have tried what feels like EVERYTHING. We lie down, get her all comfy, tried cuddles or no cuddles, TV or no TV, tried lullabies, tried the pushchair, etc..... The only thing that works is going for a drive but I just refuse to do that every night, surely there must be a better way? This way, by the time I'm done trying to fight for her to go to sleep, I'm shattered and ready for bed myself. She also started refusing daytime naps, same thing happens then. So I decided to try and let her go without(mainly because I have no choice) and thought she would fall asleep quicker and better in the evening! NO WAY, not a chance. I'm at the end of my tether with her, she constantly cries when it's time to sleep, it's like she's trying to fight it so hard. I'm so annoyed with myself because I feel like such a failure, this should not be happening. It's just making me feel like I don't even know what I'm doing at all when it comes to my own daughter and routine which is completely out of the window. From 6/7am-11pm ish I get no time to myself, not even 30 minutes to just clear my head. And I'm also convinced she just isn't getting enough sleep and concerned that's this will affect her growth/development. Please please give me some tips and things to try and some hope before I completely lose it

I have a daughter the same age and she started getting upset at bedtime a couple of months ago. We decided that she felt too restricted in the cot so we bought her a bed instead. We closed the door so she couldn't escape the room, but aside from that we let her get on with it. She initially played a lot, faffed about, slept on the floor etc, but after a few nights the novelty wore off and she sleeps very well again. I'd recommend a bed, particularly if she's climbing out of the cot. It's a sure sign she's ready.

Thanks @Bingit, we have a cot bed. So we've tried to convert it to a bed only to realise we lost the bar so will have to get a new bed I think. I will have a look online now!

My 2.5 year old is a TERRIBLE sleeper, always has been. I downloaded an app called moshi 3 nights ago and I’m honestly shocked how well it worked, it’s sleep stories for children. She fell asleep in 15 minutes the first night and 5 minutes the second night! Worth a shot?

Could she be overtired. Oddly my children, at around that stage of not wanting to nap, actually slept better at night after being manipulated into a daytime nap. Try a walk with her in the stroller or a drive.

Don’t feel like a failure! You aren’t at all, it’s just that sleep problems feel worse than all the other things because you are knackered. Don’t worry about her growth and development either, you will get through it.

I agree with putting the mattress on the floor, totally the norm in many cultures, to see if it helps. And story apps.

I used to give my dd a bowl of weetabix after bed, bath and stories. In her room just on my knee. That helped!

When she makes a break for freedom, what is it that she wants to do?

Stop beating yourself up, you are doing an amazing job! Your babies sleep needs just must be changing.

Definitely try a grow bag - it's like a little sleeping back and it stops any climbing.

I moved one of my kids to a bed at around 18 months (kept banging his head really badly around the cot at night) - we got a really low bed and put some soft play mats around it in case they fell over trying to get out.

@Wingingthis thanks for that, did you just play it on your phone and leave the phone with her in the from or did you stay as well?

@Esspee I personally think she is overtired, I will try the walk in the stroller with her tomorrow and see if she goes down!

@Keepyourspiritclean sleeping bags are no longer an option as if she's in our bed the first thing she wasn't to do after drinking her milk is to get off the bed and walk around and if she can't, she gets more frustrated. It's catch 22 really! I'm only worried about transitioning to a bed because I know she will get straight out as soon as she's put down and follow me out of the door. I also forgot to mention that since this started, she's mainly been sleeping with us and I just think it's time to change that and move her cot back into her room or alternatively just buy a new bed. Can anyone recommend a nice, cheap toddler bed? Also, thank you for the tip on what do do. I will try it tomorrow!

@PepeSkunk thank you, will do! And when she's finally free, she opens the door in the bedroom and goes to the stair gate asking to go downstairs and cries when she can't!

@Russell19 Thank you for your kind words. It's really put a smile on my face along with all the other nice messages.

@onetwothreeadventure sounds like a good idea! do you think we will have to do that if the carpet in her nursery is nice and thick?

I feel for you! I’d get her a big girls bed (Ikea) stair gate on door, and leave her to play with toys that she can’t eat/draw on walls with etc In her room until she gets tired. If she comes to the gate go to see her intermittently - she’ll be ok just not happy!

Might sound a bit ‘tough love’ but you sound knackered and it sounds like she might be ruling the roost a bit? We had the same.

Good luck. Xx

Okay so today we tried going out for a walk in the stroller, we were out for an hour and she did NOT want to sleep even though she was tired and I know this as she was rubbing her eyes, yawning and just overall easily frustrated and wingey. I'm so exhausted, she's so tired and as a result I can't get anything done in the day because she just cries and winges at everything and wants to constantly be held which is not like her at all. I'm starting to wonder whether it's lockdown that got her so overly attached to us. So I said to DP...today we're going to do bath time at 7pm and go straight to bed after that without coming downstairs or playing. I just want her to get a good nights sleep so we can focus on starting a new routine with a fresh mind without crying about anything and everything. So bed time comes after we've had a bath, made some milk as she always has this before bed and I tried the method with just a mattress on the floor first. Didn't go down well, as soon as I put her down(before I even got to say night night), she gets up. I tried to put her down again, same thing. The next time she followed me out of the door with a crying fit. So I tried a grow bag, she hated it. She hated being restricted as all she wanted to do was follow me and yet again.. another crying fit. So I put her mattress into her cot and left her in her grow bag, put her down in her cot, automatically started crying, I tried to leave knowing that she won't be able to climb out as she's in a growbag. So I had to lie down with her in her cot, she was almost asleep until her milk ran out. At that point she sat straight up and started playing and just trying to find ways she could escape. I forgot to mention that at nap time earlier, when we got back from our walk, I took her in our bed with the Moshi app. She couldn't care less. She was more interested in getting up/down off the bed, bouncing up and down, etc. I'm losing my shit. Honestly.

She sounds very bouncy! Was she used to more physical exercise in the day pre lockdown? More stimulation at nursery or groups?

SHE'S ASLEEP!! Her dad lied down in her cot with her as I was posting my response and he just came down on his own! He said that she didn't want to drink her milk, so he put Ben and Hollie on for her on his phone and then after about 10 minutes she picked up her milk, started drinking it and fell asleep. I am super shocked, must be a coincidence!

@joan12 yes, she used to be around other children all day while I was at work so it must be that. She does play in the garden when the weather is nice and I still play with her in the day so I don't think there should be much more difference to what she's used to other than playing with other children which she can't do at the moment.

Toddlers can be relentless. I have to co- sleep with mine now as the night waking was killing me. She still takes the piss falling asleep though, it can take two hours and a huge meltdown. Hope you find a solution that works for you.

I'm so glad shes asleep! I'm by no means a sleep expert, but what you have just described sounds like it could be very confusing for her. It seems like you're trying a lot of different things in the same night and on different nights. It's all very interesting and stimulating for her even if shes crying about it.

I would suggest picking one thing to try and stick to it completely for at least a week to see if it works. E.g. bath, put in pjs and sleeping bag, book, put in cot with milk one of you stays with her till she sleeps. I would pre decide if she can watch programmes on the phone and just play them every night at a set point in the routine so your not engaging with the crying.

Hope you manage to get some decent sleep soon. Lack of sleep is the worst

Two of my three were and are utterly shit sleepers
I’m having to co sleep with my two and half year old still just to actually survive by lying down and closing my eyes
He’s regularly still asleep at 12pm despite no nap all day being out and about all day since 6am
I am on my knees with it

Hope she sleeps all night
Toddlers are fucking relentless

12am that should read

Ahh thanks all, I've been annoying actually watching some TV for once! It feels so nice and refreshing. Yes, we will definitely be doing this for about a week and see if she starts to get into a routine. I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel after tonight I think. I also definitely agree, toddlers are relentless and such hard work. We were going to start trying for baby number 2 next month and I'm not sure whether it's a good idea now so might have to rethink that!

She might be over tired by bedtime, if she's refusing to nap I'd try bringing her bedtime forward, even by half an hour it can make a difference. Also a sleep consultant will be the best money you've ever spent. Miracle workers.

I could have written your post op! Exactly the same since March although my DD is slightly older.

Currently trying a safe lavender pillow spray which helps calm her but it’s still a challenge she only falls asleep when exhausted again like you, around 11pm even after a long walk.

We tried moshi and it absolutely did not work!
The toddler bed she sleeps better in (no night wakings) but doesn’t help her fall asleep.

The best thing we found was either lying down with her first then every time she got out of bed popped her back in