Doctors just prescribed stronger anti depressants and offered me CBT therapy. But I know from previous experience I feel that it just doesn’t work, my sister has offered to pay for private counselling but I feel that what I need is a mum, someone who’s had this situation and who I can talk to, someone who understands!
I think that anti depressants, CBT and private councilling are all the very best things to help you. But if you want to talk to another mum who's been through this then I can help.
My doubt in the value in doing this is because I don't want to belittle your experience. I'm not a qualified councillor.
The big (and significant) difference between my experience and yours was that my emergency c-section experience was my fourth child, not my first. When i reflect on my own experience I fully acknowledge that if this birth experience had have been my first, I'd have been far more traumatised by it all.
I had three normal (but very long) vaginal births. First two with epidural, third with just gas and air. From 3 contractions in 10 minutes through to birth for each child was: 57h, 23h, 26h respectively.
Went into 4th birth fully expecting another long labour and vaginal birth. Mother Nature had other plans. Quickly (well, in 4h) progressed to non-stop contractions but without any dilation. No epidural because not yet at 4cm dilated, but heart rate monitor showed baby in distress, baby's heart rate massively slowing with each contraction peak. Plus little recovery time (For me and baby) between contractions. Plus no/slow dilation, so expectation of a long time to birth.
End result was a crash c-section. Was told that baby must be delivered within 20 minutes. I was put to sleep under full general anathetic. No idea how much later I woke up but it was probably an hour and baby was just there - I've no recollection of her being born at all. Neither does my husband (who was more traumatised by the experience than I was).
So that's my story. But...
I have the benefit of knowing that there's nothing "less" about this birth than the birth of my other 3 children. I don't carry any guilt that I didn't give birth "properly". But that's easy for me to say because I've had vaginal births before - and they are no easier or better.
You need to find a way to stop feeling negative emotions about the birth - shame, guilt, regret - there is just no use in these emotions at all. They don't change anything and won't help you at all. You can just... let them go.
The EMCS happened because your baby's life was a risk. That's the beginning and end of it. It was the right thing to do, otherwise your baby might have died.
I can honestly tell you that vaginal births are just as traumatic. Just as horrible. Just as stressful and out of control. The romantic notion of calm, peaceful births does nothing to help mothers, it just increases the guilt when their normal, horrific birth experience doesn't match up to expectations. Giving birth is brutal, no matter how it happens. So don't feel bad because yours was also brutal and not a nice experience.