How to make peace with stopping bf at 9 months (after a very difficult start)?

[NamechangeforMay]

I'm sorry this is a long post, but I've not found anyone in a similar situation to me, and I wonder if there is anyone else out there, or if anyone can offer advice about stopping breastfeeding around 9 months. (If you are just starting out breastfeeding, maybe don't read this - what happened to me was a one in a million thing, medically, and I don't want anyone to feel discouraged.)

When my daughter was born, breastfeeding was painful, but I persevered because I thought I just needed to push through it. After three weeks, I got recurrent infective mastitis which (it transpired many weeks later) was actually a serious abscess that no one noticed. I saw so many professionals - HV, GP, breastfeeding support, private lactation consultant. So many of them said they couldn't help - I was "too complex" for the HV and the breastfeeding drop-ins, but the GP said she couldn't help with anything breastfeeding related.

Occasionally someone would talk to me about it and the conversation went:
Me: tells story
Them: Wow, what a hero - I would have expected you to give up by now!
Me: But the last person I saw said I should keep feeding to prevent an abscess?
Them: Sure, but they wouldn't have thought you'd actually do that.
Me: So should I give up now?
Them: No, definitely not, the problem will get worse if you need to stop feeding.

On repeat. Each time, they were so surprised I'd followed medical advice! But I was terrified of it getting worse, so I kept doing what they said.

I was in terrible pain and eventually ended up in A&E, where they stuck me on morphine and sent me to the breast unit. The breast unit were lovely, but it took several months to fully treat the abscess and feel normal again. My whole system had had such a shock.

I was told to keep feeding if I wanted, and that it would be fine. My breast tissue had been very damaged, and my supply was gone on one side, but the doctors at the breast unit (who, by their own admission, knew nothing about feeding) thought it would be fine. The latch was fine now that she was a bit bigger, and so I carried on.

A month or so later the baby was losing weight and the HV and GP said it was fine (because the baby was on the 98 percentile to start with). I was not so sure, and insisted on seeing a paediatrician, who said that I'd been breastfeeding "for me" and I needed to put the baby first now. Trust me, this is not what doing something "for me" looks like! To be fair to her, she had some good advice about mixed feeding, so I tried that and decided to see how it went.

So I started mixed feeding at 3 months, and I believed the HV when she said that breastfeeding would naturally tail off. (Mixed feeding isn't possible long-term, she told me.) But here we are at nine months, still mixed feeding.

The baby is starting to get much keener on solids, and her milk consumption (both breast and formula) is definitely going down a lot. She's even refused the breast completely a few times. I've started wondering about winding down the breastfeeding. On some level, I think I'm done.

Honestly, I feel let down by the whole thing. I feel like it damaged my relationship with her in the beginning, because I was in such pain feeding her, and because I had to undergo so much treatment, hanging around in waiting rooms instead of being with her. Sometimes I feel, illogically, like breastfeeding was a mistake - even though I know it wasn't. I feel let down by the medical staff who let me continue in pain, and then seemed happy for her to LOOSE WEIGHT, just because she was big. Still angry just typing that.

Still, I can't seem to make my peace with stopping. I'd be the first to tell any woman she should feed her baby how she wants - but I'm finding it hard to see clearly because of the difficult start. How do I know if I'm "done" when I have such confused and angry feelings about the whole thing?

Firstly well done, big time from a fellow combi feeder. Re the refusal, I’m not sure if you can try to prolong her getting any breast milk by pumping and feeding by bottle? It may be she is sort of naturally weaning herself. I think though the main thing is that the decision to keep going should be based on the future rather than the past, so forget the start part ( I know it’s hard) and think about what’s best for her (what’s she happiest with) and for you on a go forward basis.

Thank you, Louise, that is a very helpful way of looking at it. I need to try to move forwards if I can.

Again well done!!! I have had mastitis 4/5 times (I’ve forgotten how many to be exact!!) and whilst no abscess or trauma like you have had, I know that in itself is truely awful. So well done and be proud.
My son is 14 months...he has one BF before bed (which I’m getting ready to stop too)...I found weaning, and reducing milk in the day helped to naturally wean without any big issues. I found from probs 10mn+ he needed less milk. I worried about every reduction, esp because of the fear of mastitis, but each time it’s gone fine. So it might be a natural process and I think that will help with the physical side of stopping but also emotional too xxx

I am not at all surprised that you found the quality of support for complex breastfeeding issues woefully inadequate. I had unusual breastfeeding issues with both of my babies, (who are now practically grown up). Like you, I found doctors were seriously lacking in knowledge to help. Breastfeeding my babies was one of the most difficult things I have done in my lifetime (and also one of my proudest achievements). The single beacon of useful expertise for me was a lactation consultant who was paid by the local NHS Trust for only 7 hours a week for my whole locality. Unfortunately, I didn't meet her until I had my second child, and by the time I met her he was already 6 weeks old.

I think what is happening currently, is there appears to be quite a lot of breastfeeding help, but the actual quality and accessibility is poor compared to other NHS services.

My best advice is that only you, and you alone will really know and appreciate the efforts you made to give your baby the best you possibly could. And only you can know when it's time to end your breastfeeding journey.

Thank you for sharing your experi, @LL82, that's really helpful. I'm probably still scared of mastitis, so it's good to know you didn't have any problems reducing. Well done to you too!

And thank you, @CanIGetARefund. I'm sorry to hear you had complex issues too. It's so hard when the care is so fragmented, and there's no one to understand both the feeding and the baby. It sounds like you did an amazing job though.