Who does what for night feeds in your house?

[mamalicious3030]

Just that really. I feel like we just wing it and it's unfair. DH works shifts. Baby is premature but due date is next week so very much at newborn stage. I'm breast feeding but baby is not taking it well so I'm on the verge of jacking it in. At present though during nights we are giving expressed bottles. So During the night I get up and change baby's nappy which DH prepares a bottle. He gives the bottle and while he does I express. Then he goes off to sleep and I wash up the bottle and breast pump. But I'm finding he's only doing this once and then he loses his shit saying he's had no sleep so I end up doing the whole lot which is very time consuming. I also have a 3 year old to look after. I feel very resentful that I do it all myself and he will only help once. Is this unreasonable? I can't help it I just feel really angry. Tonight he just went to bed and when baby woke he didn't even get up just sleep on so I did it all on my own. I'm literally hating him for it. We are shattered so had an early night tonight but I feel as though my tiredness is not significant. Plus he's doing really stinky farts so I'm hating him so much more tonight. How do you all do the night feeds? Please help.

Any parents with newborns out there?

When we did night feeds, we took it in turns (bottle fed from birth; prepared bottles in fridge). In the early days we did shifts, so I did until 5am then he took over and I slept till 8 or vice versa.

When she went down to one night feed (8 weeks-ish) we either did the night feed or got up early with her. We moved her into her own room from 3 months and the night shift slept on a camp bed in there, so the other person wouldn't be disturbed at all.

She slept through from 5 months and now we take it in turns to get up with her at 6:30. It's been pretty equal really, and we also shared parental leave. Obviously, this would have been harder with BF so I'm actually glad it worked out the way it did with having to bottle feed. Gender equality was really important to me from the outset. I can understand how you would feel annoyed.

Sorry you’re going through that! I’ve got a three month old and my partner gives him his bedtime bottle, gets up at 2 AM to prepare the bottle which I give, then gets up with baby at 5.30 AM leaving me to sleep. He’s not working at the moment due to Covid so I think when he does go back I’ll likely do all the night “stuff”

When mine was that age, I did up to 3 am, he did after. Breastfed baby, expressing for feeds DH gave. Worked for us.

I have a 7 week old at the moment. I do the night feeds and partner gets up in the mornings and lets me sleep in we have a toddler as well so if baby wakes at 5.30am he just gets up takes him downstairs and then gets the toddler when she wakes up. I don't feel it's fair to expect him to do the night feeds when he's got to go to work, plus he's a builder so quite a hands on job. I guess it's just whatever works for you! I know my partner struggles with lack of sleep whereas I'm used to it now haha

Well it's been a long time but I did all the night feeds as i was breastfeeding and no point us both being up. By the time I stopped they were pretty much sleeping through the night anyway.

It's not clear from your post if baby feeds from the breast at other times but you express and bottle feed through the night or if baby always takes milk from the bottle.

If baby will feed from the breast it seems daft to me for you to be expressing while your OH feeds baby. Wouldn't it be easier to just feed baby either from the breast letting your DH sleep or he feeds milk you expressed earlier in the day so that at least one of you is getting some sleep then switch for the next feed or next night?

I did all the night feeds for DS, because I breastfed throughout (still breastfeeding now at 10 months - and solids obviously). I tried expressing but for me, it was just easier to breastfeed on demand - whip a boob out, sorted (I did have problems right at the beginning but had an AMAZING healthcare assistant who nipped them in the bud and got DS to latch on and stay there!). I didn’t get on with pumping at all and I honestly have so much respect for women who choose to do formula or expressing because I could NOT imagine having to get up in the middle of the night to make bottles.
DH woke with me though and as our son only wanted to sleep on one of us, he’d lie there watching Netflix on his phone while I slept and ds slept on his chest after breastfeeding then I’d do the next stint so DH had a nap.

I BF and have always done all night feeds. All feeds bar the v v occasional bottle of expressed milk back when I could be bothered to pump and only to see if she’d take a bottle but that was never at night.

I didn’t have a three year old so was able to nap in the day which I see you probably can’t do.

Not that you’ve asked this, but feeding at night is really important for keeping your supply up and babies often feed better when they’re half asleep. You also get hormones which make you sleepy from feeding which is helpful. Have you or would you consider feeding straight from the breast at night? You’re up anyway if he’s not bothering and it’s much quicker and easier, the right temperature, sterile etc.

DH worked and I didn't, but ds is an only so no other kids to think about. I ebfd (although couldn't express), so I did all the night feeds. As pp said, there was no point in both of us being awake. Do you pump in the night so you have a stock for night feeds? Or do you give all feeds by bottle?

Littlemiss sorry I wasn't clear. I am breast feeding in the day but bottle feeding an expressed milk during the night. After the bottle feed I express using a pump for the next feed. This is because my baby is terrible at feeding and is constantly needing fed as a result. She chokes, coughs, spits the milk out and falls asleep. Then I'll hold her upright for 20 mins then before I know it she wants fed again. As I have a 3 year old this is making breast feeding very difficult. I have loads of milk but she's crap at taking it unlike her sister when she was a baby (also preemie). So in order to get any sleep at all I give a bottle which she is slightly better at (also chocked, Spits, fidgets etc) I suppose because it comes out more easily.

I'm BF and I do the night feeds. If you want your DH to do the night feed but you reap the benefits of a longer sleep could you perhaps express in the day for day the first night feed so you can stay asleep and then you BF baby the second night feed.

We initially took it in turns. Dp then started a new job which was a lot more work than previous so figured it made sense for me to do them for a bit while he adjusted and he just 'forgot' to start doing them again until i was so so tired, i had ask him to start doing every other night again and he agreed no fuss so think he was trying his luck to see how long hed get away with it!!!

Annelovesgilbert I should have tagged you in my last post too. I would love to breast feed at night. I wish I could breast feed but she's just not taking it well and if I do it through the night I won't get any sleep. She's just taking small bits and sleeping then waking wanting more. It's not ideal. I wish she would just feed properly. I'm trying to persevere but it's wearing me down and not fair on my other child. Managed to go 6 weeks exclusively BF which I suppose is better than nothing. I'm quite sad this is happening. I'd much rather get her on the boob then her be satisfied for maybe 3 hours instead of all this carry on!

Had 4yr old twins when No. 3 arrived. I expressed from quite early on but after the morning feed.

From about 2 weeks when we had some rough routine, H would go to bed about 10ish in the baby's room (managed to have bed and cot in there). I'd stay up, she'd wake up about 11pm and I'd breastfeed & settle again with me in our room. When she woke up next, about 2am, I'd take her into H & go back to bed. H would go downstairs, warm some expressed milk & give her a bottle, then settle her in the cot with him in the nursery. When she woke again at 5ish, he'd bring her back into me for a breastfeed & I'd keep her with me etc.

Obviously it didnt always work smoothly but he did pull his weight.

If you dont have another child/children and get the opportunity to nap when the baby does, then maybe there is an argument to say you could pull the nightshift aswell as the dayshift. But if you have other children, I'd say your H needs to be helping out during the night.

I EBF and never saw a point of waking DH, him being tired too wasnt going to make me any less tired.

Also confused do you mean you're washing the bottle and pump in the middle of the night?

If you're expressing then why not take turns so one night he does the feeds then next night you do them? That way it's as fair as can be.

I was very lucky that my dh had 12 weeks off after our first was born, I was breastfeeding too. So when she woke he would get her and change her first...then I would feed...the. He would wind her and I would have a drink, go the toilet, change my breast-pads etc and then one of us would re-swaddle dd and put her back in the baby basket. She was hard to put down at first so we used. The water bottle trick and it worked a treat- dh used to run down and make a hot water and lay it in the basket while she was being fed, then we would take it out (let it cool slightly) and pop her in...et voila...baby things she's still on a warm body 🤣. So all in all we did it together.

We have a 4 week old and 2 primary aged children

We both get up atm

FF from day one.
Have done 80% of night feeds. Only ever asked DH for help if it's a rough night. Really don't see the point in waking him for what is a one person job.
However, I don't have a toddler to deal with in the day so I nap when my son naps.
It might be different if I did

I BF both kids, we would split the night. I did everything until 3 AM then after that other than feed DH did. So if baby didn’t settle after a feed at 4 am I handed her to DH and went back to sleep.

Doesn’t make sense for both people to be up at the same time in my view.

I wouldn’t both get up at once.

I used to do midnight and 3am, then DH would do 6am, and also bathe and dress DS before he went to work, so I got to sleep between 3-9am and woke up to a clean, dressed baby. And then of course I slept during the day when DS was asleep (which he was a lot, as a newborn). I realise I am lucky to be good at sleeping on cue.

DH slept from 10pm to 6am - he is not as heavy a sleeper as me so he did wake up when I did the 3am feed, but he didn’t have to get out of bed so he fell asleep again quickly.

If she’s choking do you have a fast let down? I wonder if hand expressing a bit before putting her on might help. Feeding, sleeping, feeding like you describe is tiring but completely normal newborn feeding behaviour. My DD rarely went 3 hours between feeds at that age or for months.

6 weeks is great and if it’s not working for you or your whole family then of course it’s okay to stop but things change so quickly it would be a shame to if it’s not what you want. Pumping and feeding is an exhausting combination, you must feel like you never get a break so I’m sending strength and sympathy. At the moment your baby doesn’t know or care that it’s nighttime and wants to be close to you and snacking as often as possible. It’s what they do. So I think I’m trying to say you’re both learning the ropes, what you describe sounds perfectly normal. Have a look at how tiny their tummies are at that age, little and often is to be expected.

Expressing is such hard work, hats off to you. Definitely my DH did more at that stage. Top tip my lactation consultant gave me was that you don’t need to express all the breast pump bits every time. Pop them in a airtight container and into the fridge, then clean and sterilise in the morning.

I did all the night feeds in the beginning.
DD and DS were both express fed for the first 6 months. Until I was able to have a day pump only schedule I would feed, express and go back to bed. Once I had that schedule in place dh would do Friday and Saturday night feeds so I could sleep longer. But it didn't last long as I think dd started sleeping through (11pm to 6am) at 3 months, ds about 5 months.

I think a lot of prem babies have reflux (mine did) which makes it very hard. If you have to hold them up after a feed then it may be reflux.
To answer your question. I did all the night feeds (ebf) for both dc. I struggled with expressing so it was easier to get up and feed. DH was getting a full night's sleep so his job was to be grateful, let me have naps, do housework and not react when I was grumpy. He did do one night feed but he was so grumpy the next day (and I hadn't been able to sleep through) that I was ready to leave him.