Should I have a conversation with her about her weight?

[LandofBears]

DSD is 13 and very overweight. She's gone from a very normal weight kid to a very overweight one over the last two years. We see her EOW and 1/2 the holidays. I have been in her life since she was 4 and we generally have a very good relationship. I'm really worried about her. I love her and I worry about what effects the extra weight will have on her health.

DH has spoken to her mum and she doesn't see it as an issue and sees it as "puppy fat" that she will grow out of. DH is being a bit crap and doesn't want to say anything for fear of giving DSD a complex. I'm watching her get bigger and bigger thinking she's not going to thank any of us for this when she's adult and maybe she'd want someone to say something? But how? In a loving way can I approach the issue with her? The whole thing seems fraught.

Getting DH to deal with it is simply not going to happen so telling me to get him to sort it isn't going to be helpful. This is really about should I do/say something.

Further, having a restricted diet imposed on you causes you to rebel and binge in secret. Binge eating disorder is much harder to overcome than being overweight from a love of food. It is emotional and disordered eating that creates 600lb bodies, not going back for seconds after a bike ride with your family.

You can talk to her to find out if something is wrong, if there is a reason for comfort eating(without mentioning comfort eating)? Rather than talk about her weight directly.

Helping her find an activity to fill the time she is eating in would help. Doesn't have to be sport, knitting, sewing, anything using her hands.

Well she will still be growing aged 13 regardless of when she started her periods. But it doesn't give her carte blanche to eat as much as she likes!

What is a typical day's food for her?

I would say something, even if it's just educating her about calories etc.

I think it's your duty as a parent to educate your children about these things and sounds like her parents aren't going to do it.

Give her one decent sized portion for dinner, say you're not making extras anymore as it was going to waste. 5 roast potatoes is fine for a teenager. Would she eat a nut roast? If you restrict portions at yours sounds like she will just eat more junk at her mums/with her friends. Education is the only way things will improve.

What would you be saying to her in the conversation?

Modelling good behaviour in your home would be better: type of food, size, exercise. Cooking Healthy meals with her and then you could share tips without having a “conversation about her weight”.

My DD is a healthy weight but it takes work - her genes are not on her side (DD2’s are, she’s very skinny). My suggestions...

1. Plate up, and don’t have seconds as an option
2. Limit sugar and potatoes. Especially if she’s eating crisps - you don’t need to worry about carbs for development - that box is ticked. Meat, fish and veg
3. Go for nice-enough food. Don’t serve food she dislikes, but equally don’t serve super-yummy food she’ll overeat. Plate up.
4. Be out. A lot. In places that don’t serve food.
5. Offer apples and carrot sticks between meals. Stuff that takes time to eat - a lot of it is boredom.

Hi OP. If she doesnt like meat you could cook meals with beans and lentils. Look up vegetarian recipies.

We've always modelled good healthy habits. We don't have white pasta/bread. It's all wholemeal. We do exercise a lot with her when she's here. DH and are both fit and healthy. We rock climb, cycle, canoe etc.

I do need to try and find some less carb heavy options for her because she really doesn't like meat very much unless it's a sausage or chicken goujons. She doesn't like to cook but maybe I can try to her her interested. Maybe we can have a conversation about food choice and why we choice what we choose.

We've encouraged her to take up a sport/hobby but she isn't interested. She will cycle, rock climbs, swim with us but she's not here the majority of the time. Money isn't the issue. Her mum isn't happy sorting logistics and we live too far away to be of any practical help. DH travels most weeks for business and it's not a predictable pattern.

She's going to have to make better choices at her mums if her weight is to be brought down at all or at least stop climbing. She firmly believes she is still growing. I don't think she is. Her height has been the same for the last year and her periods started 18 months ago. She might have another inch to go but that would be about it.

I think I'm going to try to tackle it by talking about food and why I make the choices I make. If I ate as much as DH I wouldn't healthy. He needs way more calories than me.

@LandofBears does her school offer any after school activity or is their a gym on her route home or near her mums house? Obviously not running at the moment, but when they are! Could offer to pay for something with less logistical issues

If she likes performing arts a lot of drama can be really physical and also help build confidence.

Does she like music? Playing an instrument can be quite workout depending on the instrument! Drummers get quite fit.

I lost a lot of puppy fat when my parents first got a dance mat for PlayStation.

I was over weight at 13 yrs, started period at 12. Then I got to 14 and grew 6 inches in about 6 months and became really slim with a proper hour glass figure (36-25-36). She might not have finished growing yet .

The food tou offer seems fine. It must be junk food and lack of excerise, when shes not with you. Do you think you could take them on long walks at the weekend? Also sign her up to a gymnastics club when this lock downs over?