Worried I don’t care enough about my child

[BMag]

Hi everyone,

I have a 13 m/o daughter who I love with all my heart. I’ve not been the most confident new mum in the world and have worried sometimes I don’t care enough about her, I’m not sure if it was PND at the beginning or just because I doubt myself too much, but most of the time I can reassure myself that I do and we have a good bond. Something happened yesterday that’s thrown me a bit though, and I don’t know what to think about how I responded.

DD is in a temp nursery during COVID lockdown because her usual one shut. There’s her, a 2.5 y/o girl and a 4 y/o boy who I think has some kind of learning difficulty, and that’s it. Because there’s only three of them there, they get 1:1 care most of the time.

She’s been happy there and we’ve had no problems, but yesterday when I picked her up she had scratches all over her eye area, and the headteacher had a scratch on her face as well. Turns out DD and one of the other two kids had a bit of a fight over a toy, the other kid lashed out and scratched DD and then attacked the headteacher when she intervened. She got bitten a couple of times at her old nursery and I was the same then, but that happens all the time and this was a proper attack.

All the staff were really apologetic and looked mortified, I was obviously concerned about DD but she was smiling and playful when I picked her up and didn’t look like she was in pain or frightened so I wasn’t angry or particularly worried. I just figured things like this happen, you can’t watch them all the time and there’s no point blaming anyone or getting mad about something they were obviously very shaken up about and reassured me would never happen again.

This morning I was talking to a colleague at work who pretty much said she would kick off big-time if it was her kid, that she has done in the past over small things and her nursery have just told her she does it because she’s a good mum.

Before now I was fairly comfortable with my parenting and thought I was a good mum most of the time, but now I’m not sure. I’m scared I’m missing some protective drive and that I should have reacted more strongly when I saw what had happened yesterday. I got the feeling the nursery staff were expecting more of a reaction from me and I’m a bit worried they now think I don’t care about her, because I really do.

Has anyone else reacted like this when their kid has been hurt? Should I be worried?

Sounds like you reacted perfectly reasonably. The nursery staff were probably worried that you were going to kick off, and I’m sure were grateful that you kept a level head out about it all.

I think you are fine. Like you say, these things happen. My DD was bitten on the finger once by another child... I don't see what good kicking off about it will do. Maybe worth ensuring an incident report was written about it though.

This morning I was talking to a colleague at work who pretty much said she would kick off big-time if it was her kid, that she has done in the past over small things and her nursery have just told her she does it because she’s a good mum.
They tell her that because she’s kicking off and they’re trying to pacify her. That’s not the kind of faint, extorted praise you need, OP. You sound very reasonable and sane to me.

I have never got especially worked up about that sort of thing in toddlers. It's a brave woman who believes her child "would never" be the assailant and that one day the shoe won't be on the other foot. Very sensible reaction in my view.

DD was bitten a few times at nursery, it didn't occur to me to kick off. These things happen, you expect the nursery staff to deal (as it seems they did) and that should be it.

Of course there are parents who kick off big time if their little darling has a hair on their head harmed. I personally wouldn't want to be someone like that.

You acted reasonably. There’s every reason to think that this is a ‘one off’ and hopefully the nursery took the right actions. Your daughter was happy when you collected her, with (hopefully) no lasting injury. However, what I would say is that I complained officially when my DD was injured more than once by the same child, who kept grabbing her round the throat. You would be within your rights to ask for action to be taken if something else occurs.

nursery have just told her she does it because she’s a good mum.
They're not allowed to tell her she's a pain in the bum.

You reacted very reasonably, although I would be questioning why I hadn't received a phone call. Your child will be much better adjusted for your response than your friend's.

You did absolutely fine and your response was normal. DD has come out of nursery with a scratches on her face a couple of times and both over a toy, I know how worked up she can get when she doesn't get her own way, so I understand other toddlers do the same too.

She has bitten us quite a lot too, nursery have never reported this though so I guess she doesn't do it there.

Is your colleague, or ever has been, the parent of a toddler? They are savage and obviously don't think things through.

I imagine if someone is ranting and raving over their child telling that parent “you’re right to be incredibly angry over this, it shows you’re a good parent” is likely part of a technique to calm down said shouty parent? I’m sure they’ll keep a closer eye on the child who lashed out for situations like this. Please don’t think bc you didn’t go in effing and blinding that that makes you somehow ‘less caring’

You sound like a totally reasonable human being. I have zero time for people who 'kick off' about normal childhood behaviour in an early years setting.

Biting, scratching etc as a one off can happen in childcare settings, at home with siblings, playgroups, at the park etc. If it's a pattern, carers need to take action (and if teacher was injured, sounds like they did take action!)

I've been on both sides... DD2 was scratched persistently by a younger child. It was happening to others as well in a childcare setting. The childcare setting took action, it diminished there. For DD it was in a social setting, and because parents wouldn't take action, other parents just didn't let their chdren play with him.

Onthe other side... My elder DD had hit out a few times at school. School worked out what was causing the issue (the child was poking her and pulling her hair in carpet time, to get the reaction), seperated them- problem solved.

Perfectly reasonable. DD has come home with bites before and always assumed she gave as much as she got!

You sound like a reasonable person. Your friend sounds like a nightmare.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to this, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me today! I really wasn’t expecting an overwhelmingly positive response. I am so relieved and now feel a little bit daft about taking her words to heart.

Thanks again you lovely bunch!

It is awful when kids hurt each other but it's what they do. Look at brothers and sisters and how they fight at times. We tend to get much more worked up about other kids getting the bites and scratches than siblings!

My son bit a few times at nursery and scribbled on things. He had special needs and was mute. The other parents hated us and made no secret of it. I was upset all the time. Now he is the gentlest of my three children, he has never hurt or hit anyone in years. Making a fuss about spats among kids is one of the most unhelpful things you can do.

Everyone is different - kicking off about problems is not everyone's idea of showing love for their child, and being calm about negative things shows a positive message to small children that these things are not the end of the world. When my kids were tiny I tended to just be 'Oops, oh dear, off you go' if they fell over and hurt themselves a little, but it doesn't mean I loved them any less than a parent who picks them up and makes a huge fuss.

It isn't like the nursery arranged a cage fight between them

I remember picking up Ds2 from a play-school and another woman who I was friendly was chatting to a staff member in the hall where we waited. She joined me, I said hello and she said her child had been bitten, she was very matter of fact about it and she said these things happen.

Imagine my horror when I then get called to one side and it is my son who has done it. I apologised profusely to the staff and the woman. I am so glad she didn't kick off. She was a childminder though and said lots of children lash out over toys.

What would ranting and raving at the staff of your DD's nursery achieve? If it was happening every day then yes, they are failing in their duties but a one off, spotted immediately and they intervened.

You are fine, she wasn't dangled out of a window.

Your colleague is just training her child to be a drama queen. You are training yours to respond appropriately. Nursery dealt with it, they didn't ignore it or belittle it, there is no need for more fuss.

You sound perfectly normal. I would have reacted in the same way. As long as my DC seemed fine I wouldn't have worried or got upset. I remember my friend telling me how furious she was when she picked up her DD from nursery and her clothes were wet (she'd wet herself). She told me she kicked off at staff and said it was totally unacceptable. I remember thinking I could never have felt so angry. It was just one of those things.