Baby’s first birthday

[Kirsty2101]

Hi, so my little one will be one at the end of the week. My partners daughter from a previous relationship is 10 (who lives with her mum about an hour away) has met our son a handful of times, she’s been invited to come to our house literally hundreds of times since he was born, we’ve offered to go to her , go on days out etc etc. On the occasions she has been around him she’s never really shown any interest. It may be jealousy but we’ve tried our hardest to overcome this and tried to include her as much as possible. When she’s around the baby she seems annoyed by him, doesn’t interact with him, takes his toys he’s playing with and is so rough I find myself hovering around them all times. She will do anything she can to divert our (especially her dads) attention away from the baby, demanding that she wants to do this and that , knowing it’s not possible with baby in tow. Even before the baby came along my partner regularly was almost at the point of tears as she’d gone from coming here every weekend to not wanting to hardly ever, saying she couldn’t be bothered or saying she’s only come if I.e we’d take her horse riding or buy her loads of clothes etc. Since lockdown she’s been a couple of times, openly admitting she’s coming because she’s so bored at home . The last time I woke in the night to find her purposefully poking the baby to wake him up, having been told he’d just started sleeping through the night and I was working a long day so up at 5 the next day. Anyway I digress.... so my partner rang her a few days ago and happened to mention it was baby’s birthday soon, to which she didn’t react. Last night he was on the phone to his dad and I overheard him saying he is going to pick her up the day before his birthday so she can spend the day and weekend here. I’m more annoyed at the fact he didn’t even think to discuss this with me. His thought is she has the right to spend the day with him on his birthday, my thinking is that she’s not that bothered. I’m dreading the thought of my sons first birthday being ruined by her demands and behaviour. She has a baby brother at home with mum and she’s fine with him . Obviously we can’t have a party due to lockdown but we’ve asked close friends and family to obviously socially distancing to come and bring his gifts etc so at least they can see him, if from a distance ie outside the garden. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to seem like the evil step mum but I want my baby’s birthday to be about him, not a girl who quite frankly has no interest in him and I just know she’ll do everything she can to ensure he doesn’t get the attention he should have on his special day

I think you might do better to frame this not as jealousy on her part, but as a deeply unsettling set of circumstances that she seems to be finding really hard. First her dad has a new baby, and then coronavirus has taken a wrecking ball to the rest of her life. All bets are off, all the things she could fall back on and rely on are changed - I'm not surprised she's being more demanding in her behaviour. She's reacting in a really normal way to a completely unprecedented situation.

Also, bear in mind that for your baby, his first birthday will not, in fact, be a special day because he has no concept whatsoever of birthdays, nor most likely will he remember it later. First birthdays are far more about adult/family expectations than they are about the baby having any real sense of them. I get why you want it to be a nice day for him - and I'm sure it will! - but it really sounds like you're feeling a lot of resentment towards your stepdaughter at the moment. Can her dad maybe spend some solo time with her to help her feel a bit more secure and settled?

I understand your point but she was like this both before the baby and coronavirus. It breaks my heart hearing her dad asking her to come over just to be told she can’t be bothered or she might think about it if she can get something from him. I realise he won’t remember it , I’d just like him to be able to enjoy his day and get the attention from everyone around. His dad works long hours as do I so it’s rare we get to spend time as a family. I don’t resent her for her behaviour, personally I wouldn’t want my children to behave in the way she does but I more resent the fact that I was completely left out of the decision to have her come. The only reason she’s agreed is that she has presents of her own. Her dad has spent time alone with her on many occasions, she’s perfectly ok when he’s buying her things etc but then comes back and makes derogatory comments about him, makes fun of him etc it’s awful. And not in a playful way, she knows very well it hurts. I just really don’t want my baby’s birthday to be spent pandering to her . I know I sound awful and I honestly try my hardest with her I’m just dreading his birthday turning into another day of biting my tongue and not being able to have a lovely day

I understand how you want your sons day to just be about you , your partner and son but you have to remember that little girl is your partners daughter and your sons sister and it would be so awful for her to feel like she wasn't a part of it. I think your partner did the right thing in automatically assuming she would be there without talking to you. Imagine you had another child who lived with their father. Would you accept they wouldn't be coming to your other child's party because your partner didn't want them too. The behaviour she is showing towards your son needs to be kept an eye on ( although I don't think it's malicious ) but that's a seperate issue.

I mean, you married a man with a child. You don't get to pick and choose when that child is a part of your life!?

How old was she when you guys got together? How old was she when her parents split up? I think you need to sit down and have a proper think, reframe all of this with as much compassion as you possibly can for a little girl who has faced a huge and potentially pretty distressing amount of change in her short life. She's 10! Kindness is VITAL here. Your resentment for her is all over your post, it would be naive to assume it isn't just as obvious in real life.