My children can't get on!

[riolou]

Hi everyone , just like some advice I'm aware many people have been through this no-one that I know of has kids close in age so I need mumsnet advice.

Basically my children are 18 months apart ( boy 2 October) , (girl just turned 3)

Every morning I dread waking up and that's so awful to say due to everything going on I cherish my life and children but everyone gets stressed kids the most at this horrible time I feel horrible for them but this hasn't only just started since lockdown this has been a while and is getting rather worse. Every morning I come done my children play lovely together till after breakfast they begin to play with there toys , my daughter hates sharing! I have rules with sharing I've tried everything to show her how sharings a good thing! She will NOT share with his youngest brother! Nursery? Shares perfectly! Home? Never in a million years.

So everyday she screams cry's smacks wingies at everything her brother does and I mean how much she does it can make anyone on a daily basis want to break down. I've cried multiple times due to how bad it's getting , then there's my son my daughter will go in his face rag toys off him that she now wants when she didn't before so he will get so angry and rag her hair , nip , smack , BITE but then again he does these things for no reason also to anyone in distance to him. So these two personalities together bounce and make fire!! Everyday i feel like crying I have to send my daughter to the step to have a 5 second breather but because her brother took something off the floor that was hers she's now throwing things down my stairs throwing herself all over etc. Any ideas on what to do ? If she acts in a horrible way and tries to hit me or anyone in the house she gets the things she wants took away till she can prove she is a good girl , right now she's trying you rag a toy off of me and screaming to the top of her lungs. I don't give in and I don't let her or my son get there own way by any means.

Right, firstly, breathe. Emotions are so very high right now.

Make sure both children have toys that are theirs and theirs only. Sharing is all well and good, but do you actually share as an adult that much? 3 boxes of toys... 1 for boy, 1 for girl, 1 for sharing. Those are the rules, stick with them

Time out is good to an extent but it does not actually fix the issue. And are there any warnings prior to time out? Use the same warnings each time progressing in stages

1. Please give the toy back, remember that one isn't for sharing
2. I have asked already, give the toy back
3. I am now taking you out of the situation because you didn't listen

Some children just play rubbish together though

Make sure each child is getting enough 1-2-1 time

Surestart can help with this, they'll be reopening soon. They're very good.

God I do need a breather 🙈 , thank you for commenting , each child has 1-1 also my children have there sharing toys and there own but when they get there Own youngest takes them off her this is what starts everything. Also forgot to mention I have ocd anxiety so stress and overwhelming situations make me really on edge ( something I can't help) my eldest doesn't always go on time out to be honest we don't call it that either we call it calming down area where she takes a deep breath and counts to five if she isn't ready then she breaths again sometimes it helps but youngest doesn't understand so soon as she's calmed down he does something to get her started again like rags her hair and it's not a little rag he pulls big lumps of hair out to we're she has bald patches she has very thin hair as it is xx

I also have a lot of toys in my house I have wooden burger trucks wooden doll houses princess castles building tables etc plus all there other toys and bikes scooters etc. They have a lot and they always fight over the finest toy I wonder why that is? & oh thanks I'll give them a look in as I really don't like asking for advice of help I don't want to think I'm totally incapable of looking after or raising my children right as that's what I feel I'm doing wrong right now I don't no why they are like this 😣 my eldest wants to go to nursery so bad to be with her friends she's getting sick of been hurt by her brother now I don't no why to do!

You absolutely must not tolerate the hitting and violence, even though he's little. What discipline are you using for him?

I don't really no anything else to do than get down to his level hold his hand and say no while shaking my head then I said go give a cuddle and kiss to whoever he's done it too , he does do it but he doesn't really understand as he's only 1 so I don't really no what else to do..

I would be giving your health visitor or someone like that a call OP.

My DS is 19 months and has not once hit someone. It isn't normal behaviour so I think you may need a processionals help

OP ignore @2007Millie, someone who can't spell "professional" is in no way qualified to dictate when other people should seek help from one.

Contrary to what she said, hitting is very, very normal for children your son's age, and is nothing to worry about.

Rather than making him do the kiss and cuddle routine, I'd do a firm, sharp NO as you are, and then ignore him and give your DD big cuddles and kisses. There needs to be a consequence for him - having to say sorry means nothing to him so isn't a good dissuader. 2 minutes of being ignored will not feel nice, so will persuade him not to do it again (hopefully!)

@2007Millie , hi thanks for your negativity but unfortunately not every child is the same as yours? I have spoke to my health visitor thanks.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

Hi thanks for your advice! I have tried this one but he gets super jealous and runs over to remove my daughter from me by pulling her hair etc. Same with it I give his dad a cuddle in front of him he gets so jealous and tries to get me off the sofa. I don't want o make him sound like a horrible kid because he really isn't he's such a really loving boy but when he gets like he does , same with my daughter she's also the exact same minus the pulling hair etc. It's mainly when he's tired this happens.

Hmmmm that's a tricky one - maybe he's feeling insecure? Could you try really showering him with love and praise when he's being good? In an almost overthetop way? I would continue ignoring him when he misbehaves - i read somewhere that you have to repeat a behaviour 50 times before a child recognises that it's a habit, and just keep him at arms length if he tries to be violent. He has to learn he can't hit, and he'll only learn to stop it if he learns that what happens afterwards isn't any fun.

Some areas are still doing parenting programmes, but online. It will help with your current issue and prevent future ones if you can manage to access a programme. Children's centre or possibly call health visitor again but be more insistent!

It really makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough ,I'm trying my hardest to keep them both showered with love I bought a trampoline I go on it everyday with them then when my son goes for a nap I go in my daughters bedroom and play with her doll house same with my son when my daughter goes and plays with her dad then I play with my son it's so hard I don't no what else I'm supposed to do xx

There's courses & websites online that are good for giving tips when children shout or get physical, to help you try different strategies and keep your sanity!

See "netmums parenting course" (free) and positive parenting" website (there's enough in there not have to do the paid for course, they offer an hour starter course for free which you book onto and send you emails that if you are patient eventually tell you lots ). Just google them.
Probably quite a few others too

Also your GP & HV may know of local early parenting hub advice services that can give tips.
I remember reading a 1-2-3 book and a raising boys book that were helpful at the time.
I hope any of those can help because you're not alone !

Christ, I was typing quickly on my phone so so excuse 1 spelling mistake!

If you bothered to look at my previous posts I have tried suggesting other things

I work in early years, so I do have a half decent understanding of what is 'normal'

And professionals, such as health visitors, can provide a realm of advice that other people might not think of

Ps. your children are safe, happy and thriving , even with the odd tantrum, so you are doing a great job! Please don't feel that you are a bad parent, you are intervening when you need to. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world (& the best!) and that you get to do it 24 hours a day 365 days a year even when you're ill and beyond tired in your bones!! And siblings can be the worst to each other !! It's great that you're ensuring they also get 1:1 time with Mum.

There's no manual just various strategies & ideas that you fill up your parenting toolkit with to suit your children, how they interact and your parenting style.

"We use kind hands/kind words / and kind voices as they work best" was a repeated phrase from my mouth umpteen times a day, when mine were small.

@Sparticuscaticus that was really lovely thank you I try my very best with my own mental health issues but that comes with horrible doubts that I don't do enough thank you for your reassurance it helped a lot!