In laws.

[Jessy2903]

Do people actually get on with their in laws or do they just tolerate them? If so how?

I cannot stand my MIL, she does things I ask her not too, she is sly and doesn't listen to pretty much anything I say.
It's becoming really bad, I actually hate her!
I just don't know how to deal with it all as it's starting to come between me and DH.

My FIL is lovely, takes the time to have conversations with me etc but she just sits there all stroppy whenever we see them!

Any advice?
I try to ignore and just get on with it but she boils my blood!

The day I told dh I would no longer be visiting them was very liberating...
If they came to our house I either went out or just did my one thing. Dh knew where the kettle was but more often mil took over the kitchen.
not envy...

You'll never change her. She's made her decision. You're not what she wanted for her son. She's bitter and jealous and fears you will take him away from her.
All you can do is smile sweetly and ignore the bad vibes.
Don't try to retaliate. That's what she wants. She wants you to look bad.
Kill her with kindness

You just have to not rise to it. Pick your battles with the things she does that you ask her not to. Most importantly make sure your dp is on your side and stands up for you and your lo. Head over to the relationships board for more advice, there are usually several PIL threads on the go.

My theory is that a certain percentage of the population are just not very nice and marrying their son does not exempt you from being on the receiving end of their nastiness.

How does your DH deal with the things she does?

Nothing helpful to say but I get on great with my inlaws. They lived with us for a bit while they moved house. I guess I'm lucky that they're lovely people. My mum passed away when I was in my early 20s, and my mil has basically been my stand in mum figure ever since. I have a nice step mum too, but I'm not as close to her.
If your mil is horrible, then I'd minimise contact and try to ignore her meddling.

I'd love to but they are more interested in DP's ex - who is currently round theirs having lunch with them and DP's son (who DP hasn't seen due to our DD shielding). DP got invited for lunch too, obviously declined. Prior to lockdown they went over to her house and took them both for lunch, again invited DP and not me I've given up trying now.

I've tried the kill with kindness but honestly the second I see her it goes out the window. She just does something to me that drives me crazy!

I went for about 6 months with not seeing her and it was lovely but my DH was not ok with it, after a very brief apology from her I agreed to try again.
Weeks later she contacted me via WhatsApp - no hello how are you, hope you're well etc just straight to what she wanted and it seriously annoyed me so when I saw them I couldn't get that out my head!

She knows we don't allow the kids to have sweets and yet in the last 6 months she's sent 3 packages of sweets!
DH doesn't say anything about it to her, yet yo my parents we always tell them we don't allow it !

@Jessy2903 I get you. I'll challenge my dad if he goes against my beliefs (they try and push their political views on to them or send too many sweets as an example) but it's not my place to challenge DP's parents and he won't do it as he's scared of his dad still as an adult.
My mum however, who is separated from my dad, also didn't like her MIL and as a result is very respectful of our rules and how we do things.

Hate to say it, such a cliche, but you've got a DH problem not a MiL problem. Tell your husband to get his mother in line, or you won't see her. I'd be tempted to just not see her at all, to be honest.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow agreed however my DP when I ask him to say something does a whole dramatic "I'm fed up of being in the middle" speech despite me saying it is not my actions that have put him there.

@peekaboob then tell him you're not seeing his mother anymore, and that it's not up for discussion. Then stand firm.

Alternatively, ask him if he'd prefer you told his mother where to go, and really laid out what you think of her behaviour, if he's too much of a coward to do it himself.

I tried everything to be nice to mine. All they did was ramp up their bullying. Yes I did have a DH problem; he turned a blind eye as he was no longer on the receiving end of their nastiness (scapegoat child). Vile people.

Best day of my life was going NC for the second time. I won't make the mistake of going back to see them. DH has had a long and emotionally difficult journey accepting that no matter what he does in life he'll always be the stupid and impractical one of his siblings in their eyes (despite being the only one with a practical engineering career, and a degree).

To be fair grandparents sending sweets probably isn't a strong argument causing reason to fall out with them, even if you are against sweets yourself. It might be a straw-that-breaks-the-camels-back, or an example of the kind of thing she does to deliberately annoy you. If that's the level of issues you're having that's not really undermining you and comes under fairly normal grandparenting.

I love my IL’s very much and they are lovely people, we’ve been on several two week long holidays all together and it’s great. They are nothing like my family though and I do feel like I’m always on best behaviour which can be tiring. They are a lot more formal I .e nibbles out with a drink before dinner, no talking about politics if people disagree, parlour games etc whereas my family are more drop in for a cuppa, have a heated discussion and stay up playing records and drinking cocktails people. I also often feel like I don’t have a voice in making group plans, my husband is the only boy of three and used to going along with whatever is said and I get lumped into that with him. I do think though that on the whole, I am very lucky to have them and I’m hoping that as life goes on, our personal friendships will get deeper, more relaxed and more casual (and eventually lead to late night cocktails if I’m lucky!)

With the sweets situation just say "thanks for sending them through. As we've mentioned before we aren't giving the kids sweeties so we donated them to the local food bank so they didn't go to waste."

Thanks all for your responses.

I hate so much what she does to me, it's hard to explain but it's like she sends me into some sort of irrational rage so all the little things get really blown out of proportion.

I just really feel like I cannot deal with her anymore

Next time eat the sweets yourself and tell her.
That's what I used to do!!

I love my partner's family. We spend a week with them just after Christmas in a holiday house and I really look forward to it. We just play fun board games, go to the beach, swim in the pool, hang out and relax. They're all such nice, relaxed, pleasant people, so easy to get along with, different to my own family which are a little uptight. My MIL is lovely, caring, just wants to make everyone happy, her only fault is she is deaf as a post and refuses to get a hearing aid so she misses out on a lot of the conversation.

You didn’t see her and your husband was ‘not ok with it’-so what? Tell him you’re not ok with his mother treating you like shit and will not be participating in it anymore. If he’s got an issue with it, he can take it up with his mummy.

I had the loveliest in laws. Dh's parents were great and I was close to them. My mum is fantastic as was my late dad as in law to my dh. I know that we are very fortunate and probably in the minority. I feel sorry for people who have different in laws, it must be so hard.

Mine live on another continent. Win win!

FIL is NC with DH and DH is NC with MIL. I never got to know FIL much as he went NC with DH quite early into our relationship. MIL I do know well as DH only went NC with her about two years ago, although they've mostly been on/off LC and NC over the years. No I don't like her, but she isn't a nice person at all. I did tolerate her and was nice and helpful anyway, in the times when DH was not NC with her. She's severely mentally ill though and a hoarder, ive even helped her clean and clear out her house etc which was utterly vile, but she was totally ungrateful later horrible to us both again so now I wish I never bothered really.

I like almost all of the rest of DH's family though and have good relationships with them all...I think the only exceptions are one of his cousins, BIL and his wife but we all get on ok and I'm perfectly friendly and polite anyway. BIL and his wife don't like me either but we are all civil etc it's not awkward or anything.

Bbq bit weird that you felt the need to post that.

Why weird @Electrical? OP asked if there are people who actually get on with their in laws so I was merely replying that yes, some people do and I am one of them. Why is it weird to reply to the Ops question?

Obviously the OP was not asking people to boast about their in laws. It was the equivalent of those people who post on threads like ‘well your baby might cry all the time but mine did not and was a dream’/‘I don’t know how you could lose 6 stone, I am 8 stone and my skin is perfect and I’m also very rich’. Reading comprehension. Basic empathy.

HTH.