would it really be so bad to only have one child?

[Moomin]

Dh and I have decided to have a break from ttc number 2 for a while. And now the pressure's off I've been reflecting on why we wanted a 2nd child in the first place. I definitely feel that I've only wanted it so much for the last 18 months because it wasn't happening. We always wanted a 3 year gap at least between dd and the next one but started ttc when she was only 15m old just in case we found it hard conceiving. And hey, guess what?...... here we are 21 months later.

We both wanted to enjoy dd before we had another and she's been great. But now I've stepped back from the mad ttc hamster wheel, I've started thinking that our lives are pretty damn good at the moment. We all get enough sleep, dh and I have a good social life; we visit lots of places both with and without dd. I've never had any problem with the only-child assumptions that people make (e.g. she'll be spoilt, she'll be lonely, etc) because I know these things just aren't true.

If someone were to have an envelope with "the answer" on it, i.e. it would reveal whether we're destined to have another child and the answer was, actually, no.... then I really do think I could live with it. So when do we actually draw a line under it and start using contraception again? Now? Later? When I'm 40 (in 4 years)? no reason for this age, btw, it's just a number.... and how long do we leave it before it actually would be a bit of a pain to get pg again rather than it being good news?

I don't spose anyone's got the answer to any of this, but I was interested in hearing other people's views.

I've heard so many times that when people decide just to take a break from trying it suddenly happens. Also, if you think you'd be happy with your gorgeous dd or with another addition, why not just 'go with the flow'? Don't use contraception but don't 'try' and just see what happens.

Don't think about what you'll do when you are 40 - cross that bridge when you come to it.

I think there are pros and cons to both sides. From a lifestyle POV, things are pretty good at the stage you're at, re sleep, going out, etc. And I don't think it follows that just because you only have the one child, you'll spoil her, though I can see how you might have to keep your natural indulgent impulses in check.

On the other hand, it is so lovely to see your two (or more) children playing together, entertaining each other, and so wonderful to see what different people they can be while still seeing part of the whole family unit, IYSWIM.

I was v worried about having another, felt very ambivalent right up to the birth, but now she's here I just can't imagine not having them both. They adore each other and I feel that for DS (nearly 3), not being the sole focus of attention is a good thing, as well as the fact that he now has a little playmate.

Do what's right for you and your family. There is no right or wrong answer.
I fell for dd when ds was only 10 months old. I certainly wasn't thinking of having another child and defintely not so close. Fate decided for us!

If you have an ache in your chest that tells you you want another child then I think you should do everything in your power to try and satisfy it

If you feel you will be happy with only one then don't

Why do you have to start using contraception again.. if you don't feel that strongly either way you could leave it to chance

For me personally ... this is just my viewpoint .. I had an aching need for another child, I couldn't imagine being 50 and only having one child .. I jumped through hoops (arguments with GP, letters, fertility consultant, drugs) to get DD .. and I'm eternally grateful I did .. I would've used up every last penny I had to be in this position and life is great

.. but whilst doing it I also occasionally wondered if I was being stupid cos life was pretty easy with just DS .. but over it all was the ache in my chest

Moomin, as an only child I would say there are pros and cons, but at the end of the day I'm fairly happy about how I turned out - I occasionally think "oh, wouldn't it be nice to have a sibling", but then... if I'd had one I wouldn't be "me" as I am now

Whatever happens, you sound like you've got your head screwed on pretty straight to me and you sound like a lovely Mummy. Your dd is a very lucky girl.

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It's like you say - there are no easy answers. I just think that, maybe, after having tried for quite a while, and gone through most of the treatment we can have before IUI and IVF (which we definitely don't want to go through) this is a way of telling us that a 2nd baby is not to be.

I've had 2 bereavements since dd was born and I think that there are lots of things I still haven't come to terms with, to do with these deaths and my mum's death which happened when I was a lot younger. It never ceases to amaze me what wonderful things the human body and mind are and perhaps my body was just not ready to cope with everything a 2nd baby would bring just at the moment. I'm dealing with the bereavement thing now through counselling and hopefully this will help me accept everything a bit better.

Moomin, your posts are very poignant - I could have written them myself.

DS (4.5) took a very long time to conceive and after going through all the procedures that could be done before the IVF/IUI route, and being told I had unexplained infertility, I became pregnant. We have now decided to step off the mad ttc hamster wheel (although I still chart my temp) after trying for another 3 years, with an early m/c in between.

I don't believe in fate, but I do feel it's all down to perfect timing - looking back, at the time I had the second pregnancy, it would have been really difficult to cope, and this year has thrown up a whole barrel-load of changes (new house for us in different part of the country/DS adjusting to new school and friends/problems getting jobs/DH's parents moved to be near us then MIL was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour).

I think now that I could 'live with' not having another baby, but I've been hanging on to all the baby paraphanalia up until this point, maybe I should just let it all go - sod's law I'll fall straight away...

I hope all goes well with the counselling, Moomin.

Moomin, sorry to hear about your bereavements. I hope you find a way to resolve your feelings over this.

On the subject of whether another babe is "meant to be" or not, I have a little story that might give you and Jodee a different way of thinking about it.

One of my close school friends fell PG accidentally at uni. She married the guy and had the child when she was just 21. We were all really surprised at the time. Anyway, despite various family difficulties and being such a young mum, their marriage has gone from strength to strength. The only sadness for them has been her fertility problems subsequent to this first pregnancy. They tried desperately for No. 2 for ages, never using any contraception right from the day their DD1 was born, and later going through ICSI, IVF and so on several times. They took a break from all that as she felt the constant hormone injections were really affecting her moods badly. Then she fell (naturally) PG twice, the first time sadly m/c, but second time producing my goddaughter, now almost 2. She is a delightful child and her older sister, almost 7, adores her. And my friend, who thought she might never be able to have more than 1 child, has just had no.3, DS1! They are so happy and I'm thrilled for them.

I know you always hear people saying "Once you stop trying, it'll happend", and I think I'd find that quite annoying if I was TTC, but in this case it did happen on its own eventually.

Maybe just see what nature sends you?

It would be good to hear from all the 'only children' out there for their points of view as to whether they felt they had 'missed out' by not having siblings.
I love my ds and can't decide whether to have another or not. Pros and cons on both sides as far as I can see eg they could play together but they could also fight together - as my friends lo's do all the time!!
My ds is only 7mo so have got a bit of tbreathing space - but being 38 - would like to decide yes or no.
ps still no sex since birth - so no need for contraception!!

Moomin, I do sympathise with your position (I needed IVF to conceive both my children). If you're beginning to see the positive sides of having one child (and I agree there are plenty), then you are a long way towards coming to terms with your situation. I think its very healthy to realise that there comes a point where it is not helpful to put a lot of emotional effort into trying to conceive.
As to whether to use contraception again, I think that is a very difficult one and one I am struggling with - even though I am content with two children, and don't even know if I'd really want a third. I think that when you have had fertility problems, it can be particularly hard to make the decision that your family is complete - for me this is partly because I feel its out of my hands, and also partly because it feels strange to willingly turn my back on the possibility of a pregnancy, however remote.
I don't know what the answer will be for you - if you feel you can keep ttc 'in the background' and see what fate delivers, that might work. But on the other hand keeping the door open might simply prevent you from moving on and being happy with what you have. Actively deciding to use contraception might feel more like a true resolution and 'closure'. I know when I take that step I will feel sadness and grief for the final acknowledgement that there is no possibility for a natural pregnancy, but I also know that I do need to do it. I also have 40 in my mind as the 'milestone' date (only two years away for me).
Sorry for the long post, hope it is of some help.

some fantastic posts here - thank you. I really do have no problem with only children and if dd was our only one I could quite happily justify it to anyone without having to tell anyone that number 2 just didn't happen, which seems somehow more tragic and that's not how I feel about it.

We have several friends with only one child - two were conscious decisions by the parents and one was due to a hereditary illness carried by the father which they did not want to risk giving to another child after the first was ok. All three children (ages 14, 8 and 7) are delightful - certainly not spoilt; sociable, friendly and great company.

Our decision to try for no.2 was purely down to the fact that when we had dd we both thought that this is what life was all about. We enjoyed the first year of dd's life so much that it just seemed logical to want to add to this. Yes, there are times when I look at our neighbours dds playing together and I want dd to have that kind of relationship. But if it doesn't happen, we've still had dd and she has enhanced our lives more than anything we could have imagined. We are still very much aware that our roles as her parents are far from over and we're looking forward to the challenge.

Que sera sera!

Wow like jodee i feel i could have wrote this thread, it took us ages to have dd now she is 3 and half and i have gone on and on about having another but was more worried about age gap then realised it isn't such a big deal just family interference (not gd at spelling) we have been tryiong for no 2 for 6 months nothing so i am going to stop if it ment to be then great why stress myself out dd is great love her dearly she is so witty and fun and at 7pm says mummy i am tired i take her to bed, read a book and she is a sleep till 6 am arhhhhhhhhhh

Just found this thread and I'm so glad. I have been struggling with this for months. DS is such a delightful child, I think sometimes that I got lucky with him and I should leave it at that. Not to mention with all of the problems I had with the pregnancy and childbirth it is doubtful whether I could or should have another. Still, I wonder often about it. Such a difficult dilema with no answer. It is just extremely helpful to read others opinions.

We have DS whos 4 and are all quite happy & settled. we talked about #2 but thats really all it was - talk with no real decisions. I do still look when a pram goes by & smile when I see little socks and rompers in the shops BUT I don't have the real yearning. DH would probably say yes to another but I tend to flip between yes/no. I work full time & am happy - if we had #2, something would have to change. And yes .. the clock is ticking..a crystal ball would be great - maybe I should visit the Yurt Shop !

agree about the hard time with pregnancy jabberwocky - I had spd then placenta praevia and spent about 6 weeks on and off in hospital - i drove myself nearly insane with the boredom and then the worrying!

dd too was a very easy baby and I worry about what the next one would bring in comparison. I look at other people with their babies too and whatever stage they're at (if they're younger than dd of course) i think - thank god that phase is over, whether it's feeding or toddling or whatever. And yet at the time, it didn't seem a hassle or a problem at all.

I spose that's what I thought when we started thinking about ttc - whatever life throws at you as far as having a baby and how it turns out, you just cope with it and get on with it. To a certain extent it's not a logical decision at all.

When I got pg with dd i remember saying to a friend who had 3 children that being pg was a bit like falling off a cliff as it was very scary and you didn't know what came after the jump. She replied: "no, it's not, because at least if you fall off a cliff you know you're going to hit the floor eventually. With kids, you don't know where it's going at all."

Love that thought Moomin - about the cliff - excellent & spot on. I loved it when DS was small BUT I'm glad there are no more nappies & no more 3am feeds. But its also sad to think that I may never change another nappy....or see those first steps. Right I'm ordering that crystal ball. Do you want to borrow it after ??

I had a terrible time trying to get pregnant with dd1, 2 attempts at IVF, surgery to remove an ovarian cyst, eptopic pregnancy and then finally the 3rd IVF worked. We were both over the moon, for so long I didnt think I could have kids and then all my prayers were answered and we had a gorgeous little girl. Anyway, after the awful time we went through to get my little girl we honestly never expected to have more kids. I was an only child anyway and had a fantastic childhood and dh's sisted was 12 years younger so he was an only child for quite a while. And then, a miracle, I got pregnant naturally. This was so hard, I was so mixed up. I was oobviosly over the moon to be able to have the chance at another baby but we honestly never expected to be here, I felt so sorry for my gorgeous little girl, would I love them both the same. Anyway, life is wonderful, I now have 2 beautiful little girls and couldnt imagine not having them both.

I dont know what the answer is, I would suggest that you just go with the flow and see what happens. There is certainly nothing wrong with having a only child, there are advantages and disadvantages to both.

Before I had ds I could never understand why anyone only had one child, surely you would want to have at least 2 so they could play together etc. I had ds at 35, and had thought that I would never find a partner or have kids, so was delighted to find myself a mum etc etc. Since he was born, I realised that all my (very strong) maternal feelings are actually incredibly well satisfied by him. Life is (as many have said) really good with him, and gets better every day as he grows and communicates more etc. For the first time I can really understand that 1 would be enough. Also (as someone else said) we have been so lucky, he has been such a delightful easy child. What if no 2 was the horror from hell?

We have decided to have more, and I think I would still love to have 3 or even 4 if I weren't getting a bit old, but I really think that in many circumstances and for many people one child completes the family, and I can really understand that now. The thing is though, only you can tell if that applies to you and your dh.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

I have got three children. After DD1 I was unsure wheather to have another one and there is a 4 -year age-gap between DD1 and DS. I decided to have another one because I thought it's possible to regret not having had another child,but you'd never regret any of the children you do have.

I think it's a personal choice and it's not bad only having 10 children, 1 child or none.