OH's job

[Whatshername20]

Hi all,

So career specific question please, if anyone has any advice or experience. Just feeling really lonely and a bit low and maybe just needed to get this out.

OH is in the police, hasn't been in long and his last job was the same as mine where it was far more flexible and has only 5 possible shifts so I'm struggling to adjust as we have a 12 week old baby. We leave the house for walks but it's not quite the same; I suppose everyone in the same boat though.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can but I'm exhausted from doing and thinking about mainly everything in the house bar cooking tea time meal (I'm the one ironing the uniform and making his work dinner every day!) looking after baby (worse when he's on nights), feeling like we don't really see each other very much anymore and that we've just slipped into the role of parents rather than partners and also the worry at the mo of him bringing corona back home.

All I hear about too is horror stories of how bad it will continue to be in terms of him not being there for family time, shifts finishing late etc etc.

I try and discuss how I feel but he takes it quite defensively and says I'm ruining the shine off the job. I guess we're a bit stuck in a communication rut.

Has anyone been/is anyone with a police officer that can shed some light or tips please - is it really as bad as everyone says or how to work around the fact it takes up so much time so you can still enjoy some family time (rightly so I know but still!) Hormones still flying around I think which isn't helping

I have a friend who is in the same position is you. Her baby is about a month older though and they are coping okay. I’ll find out what she did and get back to you. But first i would tell him you are struggling with being overwhelmed and specifically you want to cut out ironing anything at all including to iron his shirts and could he do them himself. There’s no point in ironing anything else either so at least you have some time back that you could instead have a cuppa or something.

I spent 2 years as an officer. I was working all hours, forced over time, not paid for alot of it, missed every family event, exhausted, drank ALOT, got ptsd within the 1st year, days off forcibly removed with no choice, came home worried to kiss my kids because a scumbag spat in my mouth or got someones blood on me that may of been hep c positive. My other half struggled with it really badly, it almost ruined us. I swapped to a staff role in the control room, im paid more, im safe, i can eat, im warm. I still do long hours but aside from the odd training days, my rest days are my own, overtime is optional, i leave all my work at work, it suits me much better. Alot of people in the job are with other officers or control room staff as the shifts are too much for someone thats not. And there is alot of cheating. Ive probably not helped a lot, and im sorry for that, but thats how i found it was. Im much happier now

You need to sit down and discuss a clear division of jobs. Why should you be doing everything for his job?

@louisetrees Thank you, that would be really helpful to hear! He says he can't iron as to why he doesn't, often tempted to just not do it..

@gin4thewin Thank you for that insight. I was wanting to hear more of the bad side of it to be honest because he tells me how great it is and will be fine. I'm glad you're a lot happier now and found something that suits you. Everything you said is what I'm worried about, plus they cut short his training massively by length and content just to rush them out to be a resource in these times so I worry about that too.
My job is very similar in that we see many things you wouldn't normally and it's very insular but our shifts are less varied and far more flexibility to get cover, swap days off etc plus if something happens, far more people to help you so that's where I'm struggling. Plus just having a baby doesn't help when you feel unattractive 99% of the time and it seems to be a career that attracts very young, makeup clad girls now!

@yorkshireindie Thank you, yes, I know it needs to happen, it's just him insisting he can't iron but he just won't learn

You learn on the job, aside from the law element, you drop everything learnt in training anyway, so from that side he should be fine. Tutorship is usually easier as the tutor usually decides what jobs you take that assist learning etc and scene guard, hospital/custody constants where the next shift purposely take forever to take over, aren't much to learn from. If hes very new in, it will be all rosey and fun. Wait till hes independent, thats when youre on your own and shit will hit the fan on his work load. It did change me, im not the same person, im alot more cynical, cold almost, i had a dark sense of humour anyway but its black now! It will change how he reacts to situations, ptsd is inevitable unfortunately.

Teach him the ironing! Say I’ll do it once to teach you. Oh and re the make up clad girls. They look bloody ridiculous. He loves you not some bimbo in clown make up.

I was a PC for 22 years. My son was 2 when I joined and there were many occasions where I feel I missed out on family life. Very long shifts, lots of overtime ( no choice), cancelled rest days, no annual leave in peak periods, etc.
I never saw one nativity play! My DH did all the nursery drop offs but I was also around more often than 9 to 5 people for other stuff like appointments.
You do need to talk to him about expectations and knock the ironing nonsense on the head.

Why did he join the police?

@gin4thewin He is very new in, so will see what changes further down the line! Thank you for your insight, was really helpful to read. I try and be realistic when I speak to him, not to put a dampener on it but everyone who says these things can't be making it up! He's very in the here and now of how good it is which, I'm happy for him if he's enjoying it, I just think more of the bigger picture.

@louisetrees It's ridiculous really, I'm tired all of the time which doesn't help how I feel - thank you though. I might just have to do that.

@finfintytint Thank you for sharing your experience. I do agree that a handful of the shifts are better in terms of being there, hoping it will work out for baby's next injections ha! It's the family time I worry about as you've highlighted, baby already won't settle very well for him so I have to take over. He started just before baby was born so couldn't have paternity. If he's happy that's important too but I can't help but wonder at what expense.

@inwood He became fed up with the way things were in what was our job and couldn't see himself doing it for longer, more specifically related to his location whereas I'm quite lucky. He says he'd always wanted to join the police too.

Having a new baby and figuring out how to balance is tough for everyone - especially if one of you works something other than 9-5. That said, there's no reason he can't take on more when he is at home. When our first was that age, dh was working a normal 9-5 job and also starting a business so was also working evenings and weekends. It didn't matter what his schedule was or how exhausted he was. He came in the house, showered and took the baby, and had her in a wrap for pretty much the rest of the day while I got a break.

Some of what you're experiencing is really normal for the early years of parenthood and doesn't really have to do with his job. You are literally just surviving initially and you don't have time for each other. It's why you have an amazing selfish time together before you have kids and it's the price you pay for them growing up a bit and you one day having a mostly normal relationship again.

But definitely he needs to be ironing his own uniform and cooking his own meals. In my normal working life, I leave for work at 6am and get home at 7/8pm. I've never asked dh to do my ironing or cook my breakfast/lunch/dinner I take to work. If he wants to work non-traditional hours, he's got to find a way to build in meal planning and batch cooking around that to sustain himself.

Oh and as far as the ironing goes, get him to just bang it in the tumble dryer. I ironed the creases in my white shirts and and very rarely ironed them again. Black tops and trousers went in the tumble dryer too

NC for this

DH was a police office from our early twenties. He loved parts of it but also hated parts. He was a nightmare during night shifts. We thought it was great when he worked Christmas and got loads of money for one shift but looking back there was no work life balance.

It was in a very dangerous part of the uk, I'm sure you can guess. He suffered PTSD and eventually left and became self employed.

I think for people with no other career opportunities/qualifications it can provide an opportunity for a decent wage but people become engrossed with it, like no one else understands. I think that's why there is a lot of cheating. I mean the amount of death (suicides, car accidents etc) involved must take its toll on their mental health.

I think a lot of officers will miss out on a 'normal' life. Then again the same can be said for other people working long shifts (nurses etc)

Eventually it broke us, I broke up with him for 2 months, he left the job and it was tough for a while, getting over the security of a good income but now he's making more than he did previously and being self employed he is his own boss

The banking industry loves hiring former police and army officers and detectives in either management or financial crime (particularly fraud).

How many hours is a usual week for him? Does he have much of a commute?

When he’s at home you should be sharing the house stuff, so it really depends how much time he has at home.