Playing with toddler makes me anxious..?

[Anewmum2018]

Hello, I wondered if anyone could offer me some reassurance or help? Sorry if this is in the wrong group.
I suffered very badly from PND in the first year and it’s taken a long time to bond with my baby, but now I adore him (he’s 20 months).
However, I’m still finding that I struggle to feel truly relaxed when I’m playing one on one with him. It feels sort of awkward and intense and makes me anxious. Am I the only one that feels like this? Is it part of the PND or is it just my personality?
I can be silly with him, but I think I just struggle to talk to someone who can’t talk back, and run out of things to do with him and talk to him about and feel guilty that I’m not enjoying it more, and it’s a bit of a vicious anxiety circle! Does anyone else feel this way?

Obviously lockdown makes it worse, as there isn’t much else to do, I’ve resorted to very long walks with him but I really want to get over this anxiety.

Has anyone been in this position, and how do you get more relaxed with the one on one play time?

Lots of people don't really like playing with little children! There was a thread about this the other day in AIBU, loads and loads and loads of people struggling to do it! It is weird especially if you've never really been around kids before having your own.

It shouldn't make you feel anxious though. Don't worry about the not enjoying it, as long as he is, that's all that matters. You can be bored senseless, little kids are boring!

Try and steer him towards games/activities that you enjoy. Use Google to find new games. Look up the 5 minute mum, she has a website and book with ideas for games that take 5 mins to set up/5 mins to tidy away. It's good if you're out of ideas!

Don't be afraid to give him a bit of screen time/ignore him occasionally to give yourself a break. They do need to be able to entertain themselves as well.

Good luck

Hey @Anewmum2018, if this worries you - I just struggle to talk to someone who can’t talk back - imagine it's like talking to yourself. So basically you think aloud. I do that all the time and makes talking to my baby really easy - it's a bit like talking to your husband/boyfriend (we all know how that is, you speak and speak and no one is listening anyway :-D ).

Thank you, this really helps. I still struggling to tell the difference between old PND habits and what’s ‘normal’ iyswim, and sometimes beat myself up for not loving every minute of parenting. Playing with little kids is really very boring! I wish more people would say it...

How is his talking? I used to spend a lot of my time looking at picture books, pointing at pictures and saying the words. Then asking them, "Where is the cat?" And looking outside at ladybirds, bees etc.

Oh this -> sometimes beat myself up for not loving every minute of parenting - This is literally all of us. Believe you me. I am super chilled parent, but there are times, every day, when I feel desperate and lonely and tired and warped within a routine and... It is a bloody hard job and we need to recognise it as such :)

I find it really difficult too but dc is autistic and isn't interested in playing with me unless it is bubbles. I think that makes it even more difficult because I see everyone else playing and engaging with their kids and it just doesn't happen for us. Parenting is hard.