Nightmare mother in law?

[katiee1999]

I know we’re all in lockdown but thinking about when we’re allowed to see family is making me think.

My partners mum is an absolute nightmare when it comes to my baby (he’s 4 months old and he’s her first grandchild so I understand she can get excited). But since he’s been born she’s been so overbearing. For example, when he was 3 days old she was telling us to come round because ‘she’d made us dinner’ which is nice, but I was so sore and tired and she simply did not care, she wanted to see the baby. My partner didn’t say anything to defend me. Anyway, so we get there and the baby is fussing and I pick him up, and she takes him from my arms, I constantly tell her he needs feeding (I’m EBF’ing) and she just doesn’t like the idea of giving him back to me to be fed, it’s always “he’s not acting hungry, it’s probably just wind” or “he looks shattered”. I’m only 21 so I feel like if I were to say anything, I wouldn’t be taken seriously. Before lockdown, she would take us out every Wednesday which was nice of her, but she’d always get the pram out of the car, and just walk off with him. Surely you should ask if you can push the pram anyway? 🤣 she always calls him ‘my baby’ which also annoys me. And the other day she said that she doesn’t see an issue with leaving the baby in the car alone if he’s just outside, that makes me slightly worried too. Overall she’s just so overbearing and I don’t really know how to deal with it. Has anyone else dealt with a nightmare mother in law?

You have ordered make a clear and unambiguous statement of boundaries then stick to it. Expect tears, and occasionally having to reinforce it, but it’s worth it.

You have to make, not sure what happened there.

Your biggest issue
“My partner didn’t say anything to defend me”
If he’s not going to tell her no you will either have to or just put up with it.
You are his mum so what you say goes (within reason) and you shouldn’t have to worry about being “ taken seriously “

Nothing you've said makes her sound like a "nightmare" but I must have different ideas. Nightmare to me would be never wanting to help out or see my child, or taking a baby to inappropriate settings. I would speak to your partner if it's really a big issue.

Completely know where you're coming from - pestering to see him the day I got home from hospital, constantly being in his face with a camera, turning up unannounced to see him extra times in the first few days, wanting to feed and change him herself when he was days old, kissing him when we have a no kissing face rule. It's really overwhelming, especially when your hormones are everywhere and the protective mama bear kicks in, even the smallest things grate on you!

The best thing you can do is speak to your partner in a calm way. Tell them what it is she does that is upsetting you and why. Ask if the next time it happens, they can look out for it and take charge, perhaps with a joke to save her feelings or, if they don't pick up on it, agree a look you give them which can be a cue.
You've got to decide what you are and aren't comfortable with and for me, I feel better with OH dealing with things so I'm not painted as the mean DIL. Remember, you gave birth and know your baby best, if you're not happy, you have to say otherwise people get caught up in the excitement and leaves an unhappy mum!

Totally get it op, my ds is 5 months old and mil is very similar, especially about not giving him back for feeds, it infuriated me! She'll get a shock when she next sees him properly as he's not a little baby who can be constantly held now, he likes to be sitting or rolling, having a play and a look around! Yours will likely be similar 🙂

Try to be as patient as you can as she probably has her heart in the right place, but firm about things like his feeding needs etc. I also have to agree that your partner needs to speak up! When ds was a newborn, if I asked for him back to feed him and she didn't pass him over, dh would get up and physically take him off her!

I’m only 21 so I feel like if I were to say anything, I wouldn’t be taken seriously - NO. You are his mum and you are all that matters. If anyone refused to hand me my EBF baby back when crying... oh.

It is a nightmare. And I agree, your partner needs to stand behind you on this.

It will get better with the baby getting a bit more independent but you need to establish boundaries and you need to be able to say what you do and do not allow. Otherwise it will get worse. (be prepared to make small compromises with the bigger picture in mind though..). Good luck.

You have to stand up to her.
If she doesn't want to give the baby back you say "no, MIL. He needs a feed" and just actively go to her and start taking him.
You are the parent now so come on and do what's right for your baby.