Disciplining toddlers

[Idtwins]

Hi everyone. I could do with some advice on disciplining my 2.5 year old twins. They are both boys and quite boisterous. I have realised recently that they just don’t listen to a word I say- but they did listen to their father. He tends to shout more often than I do. Shouting just doesn’t really come naturally to me at all and I also don’t like doing it. I tend to count to 3 when I ask them to do something and this sometimes works. I’m aware toddlers don’t have great impulse control so aren’t really doing things to be naughty but am worried I need to get a handle on things now before they get older. Any tips appreciated.

Janet lansbury podcasts! She's amazing and v good if you're not a naturally authoritative person. Her method isn't shouty at all, it's calm but to the point.

Can you be more specific? What is it that you want them to do/not do that is a problem? Im no expert at all hah and my DD is only about to turn 2. But I find different things work in different situations, so it might be easier for people to help if you give specific situations/behaviour that you want to address.

Like sit still and eat their dinner/ not their their dinner, not hit eachother, not climb over a fence with a huge drop, not constantly knock the others toys over etc

There was a series a few years back called 'house of tiny tearaways' where they covered several day to day issues- picky eaters, not sleeping, siblings etc etc. They had a child psychologist and supporters to help the parents take back control. You might find they are available on youtube/online somewhere?

I havent experienced the other examples you gave expect for the dinner one. My DD only sits with us briefly for tea a few times a week atm and actually eats any of it probs twice a week. It only started during lockdown and she's had disruptions with her childcare too, and she eats much better at nursery. I figure she's got a lot going on and she likes to have some control over her food, also she usually front loads her days with food - like she eats loads in the morning and gradually less in the afternoon and usually nothing or hardly anything in the evenings. I think she's so stuffed by tea time that she's just not hungry a lot of the time. I don't make her sit with us/eat tea, if she doesn't want to then I just leave her. I'm not saying that's 'right' but it's certainly less of a stress without all the battling. My Child Won't Eat' by Dr Carlos Gonzalez is really good and changed our perspective when it came to food and meal times etc, would deffo recommend.

Following for the advice. My 2 1/2 year old toddler can be the best behaved but more often than not doesn’t listen to a word I say. Drives me insane!

I'm not a shouter either except when I am really cross! Sitting at the table - if they keep getting down and running around, I'd say "ok, I guess you're not hungry" and take away their food until the next meal.

Hitting each other - some kind of time out / sitting on the step for 2 mins while you make a big fuss of the other one.

Taking toys - I wouldn't worry about this too much (unless one twin is always the one doing it).

My boisterous DS was exactly the same at that age. I’m not a shouter either but felt I needed to rein him in before his behaviour got out of hand. The one thing I found DS responded to the best was setting rules. For example he used to run off a lot whenever we went out, so say I took him to the supermarket, in the car on the way there I would say to him “the rules are don’t run off, stay next to mummy”. I’d then repeat them until he understood them and could repeat it back. If he then tried to run off when we were inside the supermarket I’d stop him and remind him of the rules again. No shouting involved just the need to have an assertive tone and it didn’t take DS long to start behaving better. He’s now 5 and although he’s still boisterous he’s really well behaved compared to most of his peers at school.

I found Dr Laura Markham at AHA parenting invaluable- very similar in approach to Janet Lansbury as mentioned up thread. Honestly life changing without having to be someone you’re not.

I know it's easy to say, but consistency and consequences. Every time. Not eating dinner - fine, but no dessert or anything later (and if they later decide they're hungry, keep the dinner out and offer it again!). Climbing over a wall - explain why it's not safe, and that if they try again you'll have to leave/go inside/whatever. Have a realistic consequence, warn them of this, and follow through with it if the behaviour continues.

The trick is in choosing the consequence, I used to be terrible at it but it gets easier with practise!! I'd also verbalise the process - "I've asked you to stop this, and warned you that x would happen if you carried on. You've chosen to carry on, so now this is consequence." It feels a bit silly to start with but it becomes natural.

Other tips are the usual, praise all the positive behaviour you see, or try distraction if it fits the situation. My best tip for distracting and redirecting is just start doing something yourself - playing with a toy, colouring, whatever - with lots of "oooh!"s and enjoyment, children are always curious!

It's not easy, but I have found the following through with consequences makes the biggest difference, when they know you mean what you say they're much more likely to listen.