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9 year old seems to lack empathy

2 replies

Catbell82 · 21/05/2020 06:33

My son doesn't seem to have much empathy. He often does things which could potentially hurt someone and if someone does get hurt, he just says sorry and thinks that makes it ok. He was picking on a boy in his class last year. It was mostly small things but they upset the other boy and because other children laughed when he did it, my son didn't think about how it was making the boy feel. The problem has now been resolved but there have still been a few instances of him 'accidentally' pushing someone. His teacher hasn't notified me when it's happened, I know because my son tells me. But he always has an excuse and finds a way to blame someone else. I've noticed it a lot more now that we've been at home so much. He has 4 year old sister and last night he tried to trip her up. He claimed that he was trying to stop her leaving the bathroom (her dad had told her it was time to brush her teeth) but I still don't understand how he couldn't have realised what could have happened had he succeeded in tripping her up. I think he's behavior started changing after his sister was born. In reception his teachers described him as calm and caring, then in yr 1 the pushing started. Even when he sees someone has hurt themselves and he had nothing to do with it, his first reaction isn't to go and check if they're ok. This doesn't seem normal to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar and able to offer advice please? Should we talk to the GP? I'm so worried about what impact this will have on him in the future.

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Catbell82 · 21/05/2020 06:35

Just for a bit more context - he is also very defiant and often refuses to do what he is asked although this seems to be more of a problem at home then school.

We have tried shouting at him, talking to him, punishing him, ignoring some of the smaller things. None have worked.

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dumpling123 · 21/05/2020 07:56

What's really important is he's talking to you.

I've worked with a number of children in schools who have demonstrated behaviour like this. When it happens, rather than getting cross, I take a "restorative" approach to the behaviour to help teach the child to come to a realisation regarding appropriate behaviour.

Basically, when a behaviour happens and the child is calm enough to speak reasonably (this can take time if they're in a heightened state of emotion), we go through the following list of questions with no judgement from the adult:

  1. whathappened? ( I like to phrase this as "tell me what happened" as it lets the child tell their version of events)
  2. What were you thinking at the time? (Sometimes "what was going through your head when it happened")
  3. What have your thoughts been since?
  4. Whohasbeenaffectedbywhatyoudid?
  5. Inwhatwayhavetheybeenaffected?
  6. What do you think needs to happen next? (Or how can we fix this)
  7. What can you do if you feel like that again / if you find yourself in a similar situation?

It's exhausting and takes time but really worth it. I had a little boy that no-one could get through to but this approach worked wonders for him and he really turned around.

Lots more detail if you google restorative questions / restorative justice.

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