I feel like I’m “just a mum”

[carlitamay]

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people or their situations but sometimes on days like this, or times like this I get this horrible niggling feeling that the world is just passing me by. So many people I know are doing their own thing; running their own successful business, are rich, have it all!
Meanwhile I’m here with my husband of 16 years (10 of those being married) with our two beautiful kids DS 5 y/o DD 12 y/o, I’m a stay at home mum (by choice till DS gets old enough to go school alone) while my husband works. We are not struggling but we are not well off either and sometimes I feel like should I be doing more? Am I wasting my life? Writing this I feel a little dumb now but I’m hoping maybe at least one person relates?

I hear you. In a very similar boat, 2 children (5 & 2 years old), I’ve been a SAHM for past 5 years. I have similar thoughts to you every day. I long to do something that is just for me, to really use my brain, give me a boost. I’ve felt like I’ve been in Groundhog Day for the past 5 years, clearing up everyone else’s crap and coming at the bottom of the list most days. Once my youngest is in preschool I have promised myself that I will be more of a priority. I plan to do exercise classes, more gardening and more writing. What about you?

I'm the same got two beautiful children DS 3yrs and DD 1yrs old.
I'm a sahm husband works and as you've said we manage but we are not well off by any means.
We don't have a fancy new car we have a mortgage don't get fancy holidays abroad.

I'm 33 years old and want to get back into work but I'm not sure what I want to do I'm lost, I know I don't want to work in retail I've been there done that when I was younger and I hate retail it's not for me the hours are unsociable and the pay not the best and with young children I don't want to end up in a job where I'm more at work than I am at home either.
I have also worked as telesales and that defiantly wasn't for me I hated that job with a passion.
It's so hard to find a job or career path that will help balance out earning nice money and having quality time with the family.
I know I want to get back to do something as I miss having my own money to be able to splash out on luxuries of being able to go abroad or treating myself a bit more without feeling guilty or being able to treat my husband for a change.
My children are never without though I must admit they have a better wardrobe than we do and lots of toys etc.
But it would be nice to find a job that would suit what I need now and for rest of my working life.

I understand what you're saying op. It can be easy to lose yourself in the day to day of being mum. I've heard 'Mummy' so many times the last few weeks I've forgotten my actual name I think. You are at a point now where your kids are of an age that you can start to find things for yourself, although often the hardest thing is working out what you actually want to do.

Some things that are worth bearing in mind though: no ones life is as rosy as it looks on social media. These people might appear to be wealthy and successful but how much of that is good presentation rather than truth, and how much of the wealth is on credit cards is hard to tell sometimes. Likewise comparison is the thief of joy. If I compare my life to others, then there are plenty of people out there who are younger, thinner, richer, etc. But they dont have my life, and when I really look at it, I wouldn't swap my family for theirs.

It's never too late to make changes if you want to, but do it because it's something you want, not because it's something you see someone else doing.

Why not do some volunteering, and fulfill some of your need to 'be something more' that way ?

Either in the evening:

Scout or Guider Leaders or BB / GB or as a treasurer / Chair / Secretary to any one of thousands of voluntary organisations - LOADS of admin roles if you don't want to be a Leader / Coach
or in the Daytime:
SO many roles - far too many to mention.

1. It is somewhere where you are 'carlita' and not 'dcs' Mum' - your own ring fenced time.
2. It stretches you brain

3.Meet different circle of people, and potentially make more friends and / or more contacts

1. Gives you recent skills and experience for when you do want to return to work
2. As a bonus you will be helping other people out.

This is how I felt about 9 years ago when my 3 children were small. I decided to volunteer, complete and online degree, once my youngest started secondary I completed my masters and I am now in a job I love. I was in the lucky position that we were financially able to support this but I also worked part time as a self employed childminder and in a school to fund it.

Use this time to have a think what path you want to go down career wise, read up how to get there and start taking those small steps. Get experience or qualifications. I did and I'm so happy I did! I qualified when I was 44 and now have the most rewarding job I could wish for.

Reading all your replies makes me smile so much and your right @katmarie comparison is definitely not the thief of joy
I have so many qualifications but definitely still not sure what I actually want to do passionately. Make it worse or better depending on how you look at it; I receive housing benefit for my part of the rent so when I do try to work we got “fined” with so many over payments on top of each other wven though each time i give EALING COUNCIL plenty of notice that I am starting a new job it makea me end up back where I started, a sahm because its more cost effective.

Also like you @katmarie I wouldn’t swap my family or this life I am happy most days honest, just sometimes feel a bit blah you know?

Thank you all, your all so wonderful and nice, given me plenty to think about and smile about.

I meant definitely is* the thief of joy

@Moonfacebiggins that is just so impressive. You must be a very self motivated person. Did you find it difficult to for in assignments and study?

What you're saying really resonates with me OP. I seem to have lost all confidence in myself and feel i can’t do anything more than keep house. It's depressing

Thanks @cleanseTone I guess I am. It helps to be really organised and be flexible. I would set my alarm 2 hrs before kids got up and studied. It was a tough 5 years but I wouldn't change it. I also think it's a good role model for my kids, they saw how hard I worked and things I sacrificed and now see how happy I am in a career I love.

I've only just come out of this . DD is 4 now and I'm starting to think about what I want to do next with my life.

Volunteering may not be possible due to covid but maybe you could try an online course to learn something new? Try a few things out when kids are in bed