To not play first thing in morning

[arianwe]

I've got 2 children - (nearly 3 & a newborn).
Older child quite needy, wants attention all day. I do my best to spend quality time with her.

Obviously I am also up a lot in the night feeding newborn which leaves me somewhat knackered in the morning. My eldest has started waking up at about 5am and running in to my room and demanding I play. I normally do, but was far too tired this morning.

I took her downstairs made her brekkie, a drink and put the telly on (don't kill me), while I lay on the sofa for half hour. I explained that mummy was really tired and needs a little rest. She must have asked me to play about 600 times while I lay there and looked really upset, saying she doesn't like playing alone and saying "what a shame that mummy doesn't want to play with me". Never felt so guilty in all my life. Am I doing some sort of damage to her?? Feel like I'm ruining her confidence/self esteem by saying no, but equally, I'm knackered.

Christ. My 4 year old has taken to getting up at 5.30am and it doesn't cross my mind to play with her. It's TV on, make her a bit of toast and leave her chilling while I make myself a strong coffee and dick about on my phone.

I've promised her a fab lab if she can wait until her gro clock turns yellow (6.30) for a whole week. Not holding my breath.

She goes back into her bedroom at 5 a.m and can play in there if she wants to. That's what should be happening.

Get a proper big clock show her what 6 o clock looks like anything before 6 she can wake Mummy if she needs something but Mummy won't play until 6. Takes a while but we were firm about befire 6 is night time after 6 is morning.

I have a just 3 year all and the rule has always been no playing until 7am.
Now he’s in a big bed he’s not allowed out of his room (we have a stairgate) until the sunshine comes up on the gro clock. We started it at 6am and now it turns on at 7.15!! It took many days of telling him but life is so much better now.

I have a 3 yo and a newborn. Solidarity OP.
We have a grow clock and was working great but now he presses the buttons to “find the sun” 🙄
I think he knows the baby is up already with us on our bedroom and he has the fear or missing out.

I wish I could help but I will say TV is absolutely fine. I am exhausted from playing all the time last week. Just do whatever gives you 5 minutes peace

I used to point blank refuse to get out of bed until seven. They could get in with me and snuggle or they could read/play In their room until seven but that was it. They soon started sleeping until seven in the morning xx

I strongly encouraged mine to stay in his room and play at that age! We'd had 18 months of pre 5am wake ups, and Id had enough. Was probably closer to 4 actually, but if he woke that early he got minimal attention from me.

After years of sleep deprivation and PND I HAD to think of my mental health. Also, I think teaching your children to play independently is a valuable skill, and at some point they have to learn that you don't exist purely for their entertainment.

TV is fine btw. I swear mine learned to read thanks to alphablocks 😁

Good god no. You've got my complete sympathy as I think your stage (tiny baby and toddler) is the worst to be in lockdown in terms of children's ages. I've got DS' age 4 and 14 months and I'm so grateful this didn't happen this time last year.

DS1 never used to have the TV on in the morning except for on the weekend and even then was rarely first thing. Now that there's nowhere to go, ever, it goes on around 7am when he comes downstairs and stays on until breakfast etc.

We all need downtime. I sympathise about the needy child as DS is still like that at age 4 and rarely plays alone. So no pearls of wisdom there! You're doing amazing. Definitely dig out the clock, she's not too young to understand that if she stays in her room til the sun she gets a reward/sticker/Tv time etc. And share the mornings with your partner.

Why can't she play without you? It sounds like she is asking to play, not asking you to play. You are expecting her to sit in front of the TV but she wants to play. Why can't she play with her toys?

I have a boy the same age.
We've also recently introduced a Gro Clock, which has changed our lives. He now gets up at 7, eats breakfast and then sits in front of Ben and Holly for as long as it takes me to feel human.
Get the clock!

You need to make 5am as boring as possible. Exciting play at 5am will only make a rid for your own back.

DD (3) is an only child but I still don’t engage with her at all before 6:30am apart from to say ‘it’s too early’ or ‘go back to sleep’.

After 6:30 I’ll read books with her or do jigsaw puzzles in bed but I don’t play anything else until after 8am.

I’m just not willing to start the day before 6:30 so therefore she needs to not think it’ll be fun and games at that time.

Christ no op yanbu. My 3 year olds know that I'm not going to do 'fun' until a) it's after 7am and b) I've had at least one coffee. Quite reasonable I think.

@avroroad no. Please read the post. She is definitely asking me to play. I said in the original post that she tells me she doesn't want to play alone and that she says "what a shame that mummy doesn't want to play with me".

She asks 700 times a day for me to play with her, and goes mad and throws a strop if I can't. I ask her to play alone for a little bit until mummy can play and she screams that she wants me to play with her.

She has millions of toys in the living room and he room that she has easy access to if she would rather that than watch TV.

Sorry.

Posted too soon.

I just picked up on you putting the TV on for her when she wants to play. I also missed that you went downstairs at 5am! I sent mine back to their rooms at 5am.

Thanks everyone for the responses. Going to try and get the little bugger to stay in her room until 7 ish.

Not unreasonable at all! We definitely used a Gro Clock at that age and set it to 7am. We still say they can only come into us from 7 (they’re 5 & 6); they can play in their rooms from 6 though.

P.s. didn’t want to sound smug in my post - hope that’s not how it came across 🤦‍♀️ I just meant that I didn’t think you’d be unreasonable to do similar.

With regards to her wanting playtime, could you explain that you’ll actively play for small set times throughout the day? Set timers if it helps?

My kids are older now but still get up at bloody 5am, it's just the way they're built.

I never played with them at stupid o clock, 7 was my limit and even then I'd be more likely to read a story not play.

I'd set the grow clock for 6 so it's more achievable. 7/8 is too big a jump from 5am. Explain all day today and tonight before bed how it's going to be tomorrow so she's prepared .

She wakes up at 5 and there will be a cup of milk and a little special snack ready for her in her room. Until the clock says it's getting up time she has to play on her own. It's her own time to play without grown ups.

At 6 she can have an hour of tele and after that it's breakfast and proper morning time.

I always bang on about Donald Winnicott and the Good Enough mother - here I go again:

Winnicott was a child psychologist who reckoned that children needed not a perfect mother (who met every one of their child's needs all of the time), but a Good Enough mother, who occasionally missed something. Not serious failures of parenting, but minor disappointments - forgetting non uniform day at school, not having the favourite cereal in the house etc. The Good Enough mother is actually better than a Perfect Mother because the GE's children learn a bit of resilience, emotional regulation and problem solving for themselves.

It is totally reasonable for you to say "No, it is too early" at 5 a.m!

I remember the guilt of having a second and ending up playing at 5am. Not sustainable or advisable!
I actually think saying 'it's too early for me' is a good idea. What could help is giving her a set specific time each day (similar to love bombing) when she chooses exactly what you do, she is in charge. So, 20 mins or whatever you can manage. Be fully with her, engaged and then end with an alarm when times up. Hopefully she should feel her cups a bit fuller and when you say no to play at 5am you can remind her of her special time later with you which is just for her.

I also think that this won't be solved overnight. Maybe she needs some support in knowing how to play on her own with certain toys that she has. So when it's proper daytime set aside some time to play (as I'm sure you do) so she knows how to imaginary play like tea parties with teddies etc.
Then after a nice play session maybe you could say 'now mummy needs to do a job now and this is your time to play without me for 10 minutes'. Lots of praise when she has been successful. You might even need to work up to ten minutes?