Nightmare with 6 year old DD and meal times.

[Sunflowersok]

Some advice over mealtimes with my partners daughter would be appreciated.

The situation for the past year or so has been that whenever there’s a plate of food in front of her at mealtimes she eats so slowly she could be sat there with her meal hardly touched for an hour. Getting her to eat is painful.

We do not force food on her that we know she does not like, I had this when I was a child and I know it can make the situation a lot worse.

For example - if we give her rice, brocolli and a turkey dinosaur for example (which she know she loves, she will ask for the brocolli or rice specifically she’s not so fussy with liking her veg, it’s actually the eating she doesn’t seem to want to do).

She will have maybe half the dinosaur, pick with her fingers at the rice and have a few grains and maybe have a bite of the brocolli.

She is 6 going on 7. We know her appetite isn’t the best but it’s not bad either - put a piece of cake or chocolate in front of her and it will be done within a minute.

The second problem is with her chewing.

Every mouthful of her food takes anywhere between two and ten minutes for her to chew and swallow on average. Sometimes, she pretends to chew her food so she doesn’t have to take another bite of food she will use it as an excuse.

If you encourage her to take another forkful of food she will interrupt and start talking about something random as though to distract you from her eating.

This is difficult because we have been late for school, swimming lessons, days out - all because she takes so long to eat. We have tried taking the food away and risking her being hungry - not what we like to do as we know she doesn’t have the best of diets at the other parents house. She often has her breakfast at dinner time, and a jam sandwich or a slush puppie (!) as her tea, I can only put this down to frustration over the other parent with her eating. I don’t know.

We both worry about how many nutrients she is getting, she often looks pale and peaky, therefore feel that rather than taking her plate away it’s better to leave it in front of her and make sure she gets at least some or a decent portion of her food and veg down her.

It has gone as far as taking two hours for her to eat a piece of brocolli.

The other night she was chewing her food for half an hour after her tea had been finished with. This was a mouthful of rice. Encouraged to swallow countless times, to no avail.

I feel we are at the end of our patience with this but I know frustration won’t help in the matter. I’m starting to worry maybe she has some sort of food aversion or problems with swallowing, but then again it could be down to defiance. We are stuck.

Any ideas? Anyone going through the same thing? It’s had a massive influence on our routine and life, and greatly unfair on our other daughter who is 8, finishes her food very quickly and eats like a little piggy! She’s often left waiting for her to finish to play etc

Thanks

I don't know what to suggest about the slow eating but definitely don't make your other daughter wait to get down until her sister is finished, that's only fair if everyone is eating at a reasonable speed.

You may also find that if she's in a position where she's stuck at the table by herself and everyone else is finished and off having fun, she'll buck up her ideas.

Its also worth considering there's something physical going on. When was the last time she went to the dentist? Does she seem to have any body image issues?

My 7 yo ds can make chewing a piece of food a marathon too!

We offer an incentive. Pudding. Not necessarily something unhealthy, but something we know he'll love for after. We've also put less food on the plate to begin with and sometimes, if we are on a time schedule, I cut it up ready, into very small pieces.

Whenever there's a battle of wills, I take the approach of doing something different to the every day. So, try a picnic on the floor. Try eating in front of a movie. Things like that. Almost the element of surprise takes away the habit.

Get her a vitamin, and try not to stress. If there's a real problem, it'll become so apparent that you'll have to do something. If it's a phase, it will wither away. My son also developed a habit off repeatedly clearing his throat when he read. The gp said to completely ignore it. If it's a problem, it'll make no difference. If it's a habit, or one of those things, it'll go away.

Thank you for your reply.

Other DD doesn’t stay at the table she’s welcome to do her own thing, often she tries to distract her with what she’s playing to try and encourage her to finish her meal but it doesn’t work. I feel bad on her because she gets limited time with her step sister and all she wants to do is have time to
play with her before bed during the week. Weekends obviously we have more time so it’s different.

Physical wise I don’t think so. She’s very very carefree and quite ‘young minded’ I don’t think she’s at that stage yet where she’s concerned with her appearance.

@DonLewis oh we are not the only one then!

It’s difficult not to worry too much. We give her supplements but she really doesn’t eat much at all in the day, particularly if we give up on it. She’s very much for trying to get her own way too so there’s always that, we don’t want to be too lenient on her as I know she will get used to it. She will sulk if she doesn’t get pudding, but she still won’t rush or eat her food for it.

It’s the pretending to chew and the not swallowing that is one of the most worrying, I do wonder if there is some psychological factor behind this

Have you tried ignoring her? She might enjoy the attention! Everyone watching her chew and encouraging her.

I know you want her to get good nutrients but another option might be to give her 30 mins for a meal then take the plate away. Give her 10 and 5 min warnings. She'll soon get the idea even if it takes a week or two!

Does she eat enough to feel full or is she always starving? If she is never hungry that would be odd and I would perhaps speak to the gp over the phone/online appt.

You need to be on the same page as the other parent on this though, would they talk to your partner and you can find out how she is at theirs?

we have left the room and got on with pottering about but if she’s left to it she will just sit there. Occasionally she’s got up and started playing or twiddling with something

Funnily enough she never asks for food. She would go a full day without eating if we let her. But as I said before, the capacity for her to fill her stomach is there - with any sort of treat she will happily scoff!

One thing I have suggested is to give her her veg first and then the ‘good stuff’ later on. We don’t want to seem to cruel or mean to her or single her out though.

Talking to the other parent is not an option, communication is extremely difficult with them which obviously contributes to the problem. Other parent is very relaxed when it comes to her behaviour, it seems we are the stricter household, we have had to be to ensure she has some structure in her life.

I think it’s become stressful for her. I would try relaxing her mealtimes. So she can get down when everyone else does, regardless of whether she has eaten any at all. Sitting there for a long time must be incredibly stressful for her.

Could you try putting food out in little platters for her to help herself, such as carrots and homous or grapes, cheese and crackers for example. Do it for a few months with no encouraging or mentioning food whilst she’s eating and hopefully the stress will ease, and she will start to eat more normally.

Is she underweight at all? Could you start by giving her a children’s multi vitamin so at least she has that as a back up.

Yeah she’s underweight.

It must be very stressful for her, I do remember being similar when I was a child. I used to get screamed at at the table for being a picky eater. I was repulsed by food but then again I got what I was given. I remember not being able to swallow. We understand the importance of not making the girls eat what the do not like.

We do need to change our tactics I think.

We did picky bits the other night - sesame rice, cucumber, sweetcorn, brocolli, shredded carrots, different sauces. She still barely ate (this was the time I said she was chewing rice for half an hour.)

I mean, what do we do about the chewing? We tell her she can’t play until she’s swallowed her last bit. She’s spat food out sneakily under the table before and claimed she’d eaten it so she could have dessert.

She’s used chewing tactics before when we had a problem with her refusing to brush her teeth (pretending to chew her breakfast so she didn’t have to brush her teeth, hence one of the times being late for school). This defiance went on for about 9 months. It feels similar to the teeth thing really. Massive issue with getting her to brush her teeth because she didn’t want to. Resulted, almost every time, after all motivation and persuading under the sun and still refusal, for her dad to have to hold her down and brush them for her. Horrible to have to do, but we couldn’t not let her teeth be cleaned. Yet if she willingly picked her toothbrush up on her own, she would happily brush away and there was no stopping her! That’s why I somewhat think it might just be down to her having problems with authority and being told what to do.

I think she is at the very best borderline for an eating problem. Have a look at ARFID. It's a wide eating disorder covering a variety of causes, from physiological to psychological to who the hell knows.

As a first step I would take her to the GP to make absolutely sure there is no physiological cause behind her slow eating. If, for example, she has some pain when swallowing, she may be able to eat fast and put up with the pain when she likes the food a lot, but take a lot of time to eat when she doesn't like the food as much. There are various possible complication here involving chewing, swallowing and reflux issues that may be contributing to this.

If she is pale and frequently tired she may also benefit from being tested for anemia.

How is her weight? I ask because DCs with ARFID are often underweight and lacking in essential nutrients. When that is the case, it is imperative that you forget everything you have been taught about food. Food is just food and all food is good because it is calories.

Try to remove all pressure from eating times. Present the food, ideally for her to serve herself and offer all of it at the same time, so no bargaining over what she has to eat before she eats something else. My DS has ARFID and his dietician suggested he knew what he was doing when he wanted to eat candy before the main meal, as it was an appetite stimulant. Try not to comment at all, do way not just with threats, and bargaining, but also with praise and encouragement.

I can see how the length of her meals is affecting your scheduling and the whole family. I would try to say to her that meals last X time, but always offer her a snack 1-2 hours later. Little and often may just work better for her, not everyone is made to eat only 3 times a day.

Try to keep all evaluative judgements away from food and mealtimes.

Apologies cross post.

If she is very underweight you need to act now. GP and look into Division of Responsibility. A lot of the advice is what I gave you above but also, very importantly, make sure you offer 2-3 safe foods with every meal. The safe foods have to be non-judgemental - it she will eat chocolate, then offer chocolate.

The brushing teeth issue would worry me as it is another clue that you may have a physiological cause of pain or a sensory issue here.

Try not to judge her. She is 6yo. She is not using tactics to manipulate you, none of this should be seen as defiance, etc. It sounds like she has an eating disorder, which is not a moral failing. You wouldn't describe her this way if she couldn't walk because she was in pain, or because of a psychological trauma, etc.

Could you present food that is nutritious but needs less chewing? Decent yogurt, smoothies, soup etc:
Agree with taking any pressure off. Just move plates after a while but leave snacks out in between. (That’s not great for teeth especially if she has issues brushing but as a change of routine in short term might be helpful)
Might also be worth getting her tonsils checked out to see if they are too large to swallow easily

We do try our best to be patient and understanding, however it is equally as frustrating.

She did not used to be like this, she’s always been a slow eater but wasn’t as picky, it has seemed to have gotten worse as she has aged.

As for the manipulation, seems daft in a six year old doesn’t it, but she’s a very clever little girl who has had some issues with lying, stealing and other behaviourals along the way. Although she is generally well behaved, and this has gotten a lot better over the past year with increased stability and structure at home with us, she is a tactical child who does tend to use manipulation and she can be frighteningly clever with it too. This makes it complex to know if there is something serious going on here, or if she just doesn’t want to eat her food because she simply doesn’t want to. We’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt of course!
I will look in to ARFID, it might shed some light on the situation thank you

Does she snore? How are her tonsils? My nephew was a problem eater until
His super huge tonsils were removed. Just an idea.

She slightly snores! I’ll have my partner check them out this weekend.

I’ve just looked over an article on ARFID and it rings very familiar

We have mentioned the GP or some sort of talking therapy for her for other things but we don’t want to push her and scare her or make the situation worse. Obviously the eating is a massive health risk so it might be worth taking this further sooner than later. Thank you for all the insight, there’s quite a lot to consider here. I’ll forward the ARFID info and get his take on it

I think where it concerns the health and wellbeing of the child is involved an effort has to be made to talk to the other parent. If they choose to ignore at least you've tried.
After all you've described I think talking to the gp is important in case it escalates into an eating disorder or food aversion of some sort. If that then involves treatment then the other parent will need to know so best they are forewarned.
Difficult enough situation without coparenting!

Very difficult! Parent we had tried with the communication and with coparenting but it’s been met over the years with flat out refusal or ignorance. Hopefully this will get better over time for DSD’s sake.

I’ll speak to him about the GP too, I don’t want this to escalate with her health. Thank you all for the understanding and input!

My DS ate EVERYTHING until he was about 18mo and then started refusing things, first at the creche and then at home. What seemed like a normal toddler fussy stage turned into failure to thrive. At one point he went 3 days without eating anything because we said he had to eat his main course before his dinner. There is no explanation for all this. I want to bang my head on the wall, but ironically, I need to remain emotionally neutral. It's very tough OP, you have my sympathy. If you are on FB the group Mealtime Hostage are very helpful. At the very least it's full of people who understand because one of the worst aspects of this condition is ignorance and people who tell you that you are spoiling your child when you are just helping them so as not to starve themselves.

My DS went through a stage of refusing to eat when he was 4 i think it was. He's always been a picky eater from weaning age but it escalated and for a good 3-4 months he refused most meals and when he did eat he would sit and chew a mouthful for ages at a time, it was frustrating and i admit to getting angry at times as i couldn't understand it. That said he wasn't underweight and it passed as phase, it sounds to me like there is more of an underlying issue for your DD.
How is she with drinking? Would she drink smoothies/milkshakes for nutrition, i know you've said she will happily devour a treat at times and im not suggesting you feed her on that forever but when my son was going through it i read that if there is anything they will eat to let them. He mainly lived off yogurt for those months and meals would be offered with no pressure, eventually things went back to normal.
He still chews meat for longer than he needs to though.

She’s great with her drinking really. Mainly water, some milk and the occasional juice.

She’s had a lot of anxiety over the years too so I do wonder if it’s anything to do with that.

I’ll have a look at the fb group @Booboostwo thank you!

Pediasure is the go-to supplement for underweight DCs....of course my DS won't touch any of the three flavours with a barge pole!

DD had food avoidance as a baby and she is still a fussy and slow eater unless it is something she loves.
She was under the care of the dietician and CAHMS. She also had a endoscopy to exclude physical causes (done because Ds has issues that can be hereditary) they also considered sensory issues and SNs.
You've had some great advice. The things that stick with me from the dietician are; if you don't eat large amounts your body gets used to this and in starvation mode you don't feel hunger which is why she may not ask for food. We were encouraged to give her snacks little and often, to always offer pudding after meals to increase the calories and limit mealtimes to 20 mins. This all helped as mealtimes had become a battleground.