Hello all
First of all I work in childrens services so am aware of the law etc. I have a daughter aged 11 and a son aged 9. Separated from their dad over 7 years ago, he was very controlling and on occasion violent towards me before and afterwards, but he is generally a fairyl spiteful and damaged person as oppose to 'violent' in relationships (he wasn't violent before or since and is in his second relationship since the split).
He has never really established himself independently since the split - on sofa with a friend until they chucked him out after his appalling behaviour, then rented a room via a friend, then moved in with his GF, they split, then he lived in his converted van in a park. His care of the children was a worry but with his current partner around I felt better. His van broke and he had to move in to his Gf's flat with her 18 year old (they met as pseudo-hippies when he was in his van).
I won't go into everything but the way I have managed what became every other weekend and once in the week overnight contact was that I don't stop in unless the children are unhappy, despite some concerns. After my daughter said she didn;t like staying in the van about 1.5 years ago, I tried to discuss this with their dad but he became angry and sent me a text saying that I was 'officially a single mum now'. I had no contact from him for 6 weeks, just before xmas when his GF called me up at work saying he was an amazing dad and missed his kids. I agreed to meet him and he saw them again. He never apologised to me or to the children and ignored what happend (he had stopped contact for 4 weeks soon after we initially split due to another outburst but the children were too young to know).
My daughter has struggled with him ever since and my son is more avoidant but does talk to her. They don't have their own bedroom and my daugter needs her privacy now. He admitted the situation was 'not ideal' and said he planned on getting his own flat, I know this would never happen and now with covid, that's another reason why it won't.
The last time they said they didn;t want to stay overnight there he suddenly purchased a puppy (after tellign them he would to for over a year and not). Obvisouly this made them want to be there more.
Three weeks ago they saw him for the day and he really upset my daughter, he has got more and more in to the whole 'mens rights' issue and has increasingly expressed mysogynistic views. my daughter was trying to comfort my son who had fallen over and she tols him it was ok to cry (she could tell he was about to) and her dad asked her why she was doing that and said 'he needs to learn he can;t always cry' then started ranting about 'if I was a woman I'd have a flat by now' etc etc. I have brought my children up to be feminists and generally socially aware so when my daughter challenged him he became quite angry with her and made it an example of the sexism men suffer. I won't go in to it but this has been a regular occurrance and no doubt he is projecting his unresolved issues about me on to her. When I picked them up from his she was silent and said she needde to talk to me, she broke down and told me what happened. She said she hated him and didn't want to see him again. Theer have been other similar incidennces but my strategy has been to listen and acknowledge her, but I try and help her manage her relationship with him as much as possible. I.e I don't go 'right that's it you're not seeing that bastard again' etc etc as I'm well aware of the damage this causes.
Anyway I texted him to say I didnlt want to get in to it now but she was really upset' he didn't reply until later the next week askign what time I was droopping them off. I said that she did not want to see him anymore and that my son was now in school full time anway (he was goign to have them on a week day). He said 'what do you mean anymore' and I said that I din;t really want to get involved but maybe he should seek out a family therapist etc for advice (as me geting involved has previously lead to him telling the children, if they do complain about anything to be told I am putting things into their heads),
He didn;t reply until 3 weeks later (yesterday) saying that he was awrae he hadn;t had any contact for a few weeks as he wanted to 'let the dust settle' and could he have them this weekend. No apology or acknowledgement about what my daughter must have gone through. He said if she didn;t want to see him he coudl just have our son and 'tell her I miss her and love her and am here when she is ready', I sent a long reply saying that she doesn;t have anything to be 'ready' for and that this is placing the adult responsibility on her. I said that I had hoped he would have used this time to get some professional advice. i said that whilst I could drop my son off, I didn;t want to get in to a dynamic of passing on platitides etc, Anyway my daughter was more clear that she doesn;t want to see him, finding his reply more upsetting . In any case he hasn;t replied to my text. It's not thursday.
I'm always left hanging like this and due to lots of other unresolved incidents that I've just had to bite my lip about and support the children with, I don't know if I should just put a boundary in place and say that he can't see one child alone until he has made some serious commitment to repairing his relationship with his daughter etc.
The ironly is, he is a 'mentor' for a charoty suppotying vulnerable men. He missed my daughters 11'th birthday because he was away on an initiation weekend. He is basically a bit of narcissistic bully and I remian friends with his old friends, as he has one by one burnt his bridges with them all. I understand his issues but he just hasn't worked thorugh them - that's not my reposnbility anymore and I just try and keep contact with him minimal, enjoying when it appears ot be goign ok and addressing issues with the kids as they come up. I feared he would never have a decent relationship with the kids but it's still a shock when those fears are realised. Ultimately my daughter is very strong and can talk about hef feelings with me and others. Howver my son is more vulnerable and I don;t think him seeing my son on his own is a good dynamic to faclitate.
It's depressing and it's gone on for a few years now. My son really wants to see his puppy and has told my daughetr that's the only reason he goes there. She says he never pays attention to him and has disclosed historically having to confort and look after him because their dad doesn't. I used to dread him having the kids when they were little but they are obvisouly safer now given their age.
If I could manage it I'd never talk to him again and am not at all interetsed in punishing him or arguing with him, bit how do I manage contact now? I'm on the verge of buying a bloody dog just to help the kids!