Working from home with a toddler - advice?

[Reluctantcavedweller]

So I'm working from home with a 2 year old at the moment and am struggling to find a routine where I get some work done but he isn't totally neglected. I need to do at least 6 hours of work a day. OH is working long hours out of the house (usually home 10pm) so can't really help. I'm trying to stay up at night to do it, but it's usually 8.30-9pm by the time my son is asleep since he's much less tired during the day since we're doing less. We have a 'sort of' routine, but I'm wondering whether anyone has found a better one?

Should say at the outset we're very fortunate to have a small house with enough space for the 3 of us with a 'postage stamp' garden. So have sandpit etc. and small patch of grass.

5am - I wake up, try to fit in 2 hours work before toddler wakes up.
7-7.30am - toddler wakes up. We lounge in bed munching dry cereal and watching Cbeebies/Youtube videos of dumper trucks in sandpits while I try to answer emails.
8.30am - Go downstairs. Make breakfast. Go out into the garden to water plants/weed/pot seedlings - toddler 'helps' (he's really getting into it).Play games together for a bit, and then try to 'retreat' from toddler in living-room to kitchen so I can work at the kitchen table (can keep an eye on him from there). Usually limited success in the 'retreat'.
9.30am - Really need to work by now so the TV goes on and snacks come out. This stems, but doesn't totally stop, the interruptions.
11.30am - After 2 hours of TV , go for a quick walk before lunch.
12.30 - Lunch. Try to push toddler into garden. More TV .
2pm - Naptime. Moved to coincide with my online meetings/calls. Really, the toddler is ready to stop napping, but I'm clinging to his naps for dear life.
3.30pm - Finally retrieve toddler from cot. God, I'm tired by now. More TV .
4pm - Try to get out in garden, play some garden games, water etc.
5pm - More TV . Try to catch up on work.
6.30pm - cook dinner, do bathtime. Play with toys, read books until toddler ready to sleep.
Any time between 8pm-9.30pm - bed.
After bedtime - try to work for a few hours but so tired by now I often just fall asleep.
Wake up at 4.30/5am to start the whole thing over again.

The problem is, I'm just not getting enough done. I need to do more work. Also, my motivation is very low so I'm achieving less in the time I actually have to work. Much has been said about the impossibilities of wfh with children, but just wondering if anyone has a system which is working or has come up with any ways to 'buy' some extra time? Would really like some tips if anyone has any? I need to keep my job and have deadlines coming up so need to find a way to be more productive.

More daytime stimulation will pay off with earlier bedtime for him so you can do more. He's bored AF and it's showing with his lack of sleep. Get a decent long walk in and play with him properly.

Speak to your work, places are supposed to be understanding at the moment.

Would they furlough you?

Also looking at your timings you should have done 4 hrs of work by 11.30am. At this point abandon work until he's in bed.

I don't have much advice i'm afraid but I wanted to bump in case others do because this sounds so hard & isn't sustainable. The only things I can think of are:
Would DC go to sleep earlier if they dropped the nap which meant you could work earlier in the evening?
Can you work weekends when your OH is home?
Can go have your laptop in the lounge when DC is watching TV so you get some work done then?

It'll pay off later for bedtime If You exercise him as much as possible during the day. I wouldn't skimp on that.

I'm already working weekends. DH is quite tired after being at work all week, but is good about taking our son for one weekday afternoon and one morning. I still get lumbered with everything that's not entertainment for our son, though, during that time - meals, laundry, cleaning. It's not that DH doesn't want to help, it's just that, because he's out so much, we operate like two separate units (me and toddler one unit, him another unit). You say, 'Make lunch', and he says, 'What shall I make?', 'Baked beans'. 'Where are they?', 'Where is the saucepan?', 'Where is the tin opener?'. It's just easier to do it myself, even though I know that's not good in the long-run.

Need to keep the nap-time, as that's when I schedule any calls/meetings I have that need to be done in normal 'office hours'.

Sorry, tired...Should have said 'weekend afternoon and one morning'.

I do try to play 'properly' at least a few times a day with him. So yesterday we had a teddy-bear's tea party, did painting in the garden, played trains with his train set (he loves Thomas the tank engine so we have conversations between the trains and all sorts of disasters happen), and I've set him up a wooden planter in the garden which is his 'garden', so we plant 'seeds' (old sunflower seeds) and water them and care for them. We also did teddy hospital with his medical bag and plasters and he has some Night Garden figures he loves so we play games in the sandpit with those. 'Oh no, Upsy Daisy, you've got a mucky patch, let's wash you!'. But actively playing for long periods is so, so draining when you're so stressed and there's so much work to be done. And then there's still all the housework...

Honestly, you're doing amazingly well. There's a reason we all paid stupid amounts for childcare and missed our children all day before this, and that's because toddlers are incompatible with office work.

I've got older children and a toddler, and even with my DH here and taking shifts with me around his long hours, we've now got our nanny (living alone, self isolated and all of us following every guidance we can) to help, as my work wouldn't consider furlough or unpaid leave so otherwise I was going to have to quit. You've stuck it out so well with the two of you alone all day!

Is there an option for you to be furloughed, reduce hours or pay for safe childcare in the home, even for a couple of hours a day? Or is your DH able to reduce his hours at all? If he's an ICU doctor I understand not, but if he's not saving lives then I think that men need to take some of the strain right now, and many aren't.
If not, there's not lots you can change, but I'd suggest like others to do exercise and some one on one play, led by him, to start the day, it helps with energy levels and to fill his need for your undivided attention.
Then I'd see if that gives you even 30 mins where you can work uninterrupted, as that might actually be more effective than 1 hr that's always broken up.
Then after nap time, I'd again try to do one on one time, only answer critical emails, then do a bit more while he eats dinner, and the rest later.

Are you doing a bit on the weekends, with your DH taking over?

The other thing to look at is how you can minimise the other housework you might be doing, to let you focus on childcare and work, and hopefully get some downtime! Again, is your DH sharing? Also I find cooking in big batches and freezing in portions really helps so it's just a matter of reheating, and do the Organised Mum Method so it's a bit of cleaning every day but we don't live in a dump (though we have to do the bathrooms on the weekend, they're hard with a busy toddler and daily is too much for me). Some people I know are getting in cleaners, though that's not right for us at this point - it is permitted and maybe would work for you.
Good luck!

Duct tape.

Get him involved in housework... You're right there seems so much more when you're at home.

Your DH needs to step up and learn how to make him a meal. It's not OK that he can't make beans on toast in his own house ffs.

I agree actively playing is tough especially when you are under pressure to work. Google some low set up, long time entertainment activities. Will he tolerate you being in the room but working while he potters around you?

Try and get 2 walks per day in as well. Does he have a scooter or bike?

It's not ok that you have to juggle everything Monday to Friday and your husband will only give you half days at the weekend. It's also not ok that he can't sort lunch for a toddler.

At weekends, I'd suggest you get toddler up while husband sets up breakfast, husband takes toddler for a long walk while you work, then you all have lunch together. Then same again in the afternoon. Try and get one weekend evening off together and have a takeaway and watch a movie or something.

I have a two year old and she needs more exercise than that to sleep well. We take it in turns to mind her, and whoever is on duty takes her on a long walk in the morning, which buys us a decent nap (I know that won't be the case for everyone), and then we run her around the garden in the afternoon so she's tired at bedtime. Our days are built around exhausting the child.

It sounds like you're doing a great job in difficult circumstances - but the circumstances of a single parent, which you aren't. Your husband needs to step up.

If you had two decent working days at the weekend that would probably give you enough momentum to keep on top of things during the week, and a break from the toddler - my working days are definitely my easier days.

Firstly, quit the TV guilt. I'm home all day with my 3yo and the TV is on all day so I can try to do some work. I refuse to feel guilty about it. We play, draw, and go for a walk throughout the day and my work are very understanding, but needs must. Ultimately if he isnt back in preschool until september, its six months of me working from home with him there. Six months of his life having a bit more screen time than he should isnt going to ruin him

You're doing a great job. I'm WFH with a nearly-2 and a 3 year old and it is really really fucking hard. The little one is seeing A LOT of TV and I am trying really hard not to feel guilty about that. The bigger one can paint/draw/Lego by herself for longer periods so is easier. The only suggestions I have are focus all your play with him on exercise, no trains/ teddy bears, all obstacle courses (we put mattress on floor, do jumping off couch, run round kitchen table etc if too wet or cold for outside) and chasing each other around the garden. Try and wear him out while you can.
Also, can you work from a smart phone rather than computer? Just a lot of my job is answering emails and I have a phone with emails now do can sit outside and bod and smile and say "oh that's a lovely leaf you found", " no don't put your toothbrush in the cat food" etc intermittently- it stops the constant mummy cry's, because I am there and 'watching'.
Good Luck and try to be easy on yourself. It's a pandemic.

It's really really tough. I think you need to try knacker him out more outdoors if you can.

Can you try move breakfast forward and take him out for 45 mins after that? I would even go out at 3.30 for another walk or run around a park/ woods. I know you're tired but it'll hopefully help in the long run.

Agree your DH needs to step up. I just go upstairs and say 'Im not 'here' for two hours and leave them to it!

Also, can you work from a smart phone rather than computer?

Yes to this - I've sent many an email while pushing the buggy while we're out for a walk.

I think you need to have more definite 'mum' and 'employee' blocks rather than trying to do both at the same time.

So unfortunately yes you need the early start to be 'employee' as a run up to the day.

Then, as soon as he's up, it's 'mum' and you get him fed, dressed and out for some exercise.

Then TV and work - as pp said guilt free! CBeebies stuff is educational and there's loads of extra content around at the moment. Maybe ask husband to do some research at the weekend on what progs you could line up.

I would aim to do that for as long as he can tolerate. Stop for lunch and another chunk of mum time and exercise.

Keep the nap and work..

Then stop work. Make the rest of the day about him and getting as much exercise in as possible. A bit of dinner, bath and bed.

Hopefully, if he can go to bed earlier you can do an hour at least to clear the emails / write a to do list for the morning.

I'd also communicate this new schedule to your bosses / team so they are aware of the best times to catch you and that they won't get a reply after 3.30.

Good luck it sounds really tough but you're doing a great job.

Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions...I really appreciate you taking the time to post.

So I work on a 'project' basis with client commitments, which means no real option to reduce hours/furloughing without risking long-term damage to my career. We've always just about managed before with 3/4 days nursery, cleaner and some evening/weekend work. Tbh, even before lockdown, 'downtime' has never really been a thing in our house for either of us so there wasn't much slack in the system to start with. My 'break' was spending time with my son (which I do enjoy) and then a few hours to myself at the weekend if work was quiet.

I had thought about asking DH to step up this Saturday so that (with caffeine!) I might have the energy to pull an 'all-nighter' to catch back up. Although that would wipe me out for a couple of days, having the pressure off and being back up-to-date would feel so fantastic it might be worth the trade-off. Should say that, although a bit incompetent, DH is 'willing' when he's around - he changes fair share of nappies, does both bathtimes at weekends, helps wrangle toddler and plays in garden and will clear and fill dishwasher/fold laundry (badly) when he sees it needs to be done. But his work is very busy as well and he's a bit of a workaholic - performing badly at work makes him very stressed out, even more so than it does me. I'm more used to being able to balance things then he is.

We do try to get out both days at the weekends as a family to compensate for boring weeks - usually take off-road buggy and do 3-4 hour 'hike' with picnic in the middle in our local woods (it's big enough to avoid people and there's a hidden spot by a stream which we have to ourselves). Our son usually manages to walk a good few miles and likes playing dinosaurs in the stream, so hopefully that compensates him a bit for the boring weekdays!

Thinking about getting cleaner back and also whether to hire a babysitter for a few hours. We could afford it, but we're still paying the full amount for our usual childcare and need to be careful with savings in case either of us loses our jobs (reasonably likely, though we're trying not to stress) in the next few months.

Sorry, long post - finding writing this down very cathartic.

I think you need to have more definite 'mum' and 'employee' blocks rather than trying to do both at the same time.

It took a while for it to sink in but this has been the key to managing work around my toddler. You are working too many ‘unproductive’ hours

Your usual childcare may be back open soon if you would be happy to send him for a day to catch up.

Agree re mum hours and employee hours.
It also sounds like your dh could do with a bit of an attitude change. Why should it be you that has to cope all of the time?

I think you are doing brilliantly. I am in a similar situation to you but I am a single mum. My meeting yesterday afternoon when wrong because my son woke up from his nap.

It is amazing how much you can do from your smartphone. I do emails, teams and I have google docs so I managed to do a bit of editing of my book whilst playing in the garden. You won’t get huge amounts done at a time but it adds up to a lot across the week. Try setting up activities for him to do so you can do a bit of work. 5 minute mum is good for that.

I also think our saviour has been going for a big walk every day. It tired him out and feels less oppressive.

I would get your cleaner back in.

You have my sympathy OP, I have an almost two year old but part time and my DH has him half the time which is good. I still struggle during the time I have to work.

In your situation I would probably talk to my people manager about maybe being furloughed or ask for a reduction of hours. If that didn't work then I would look to bring DS bedtime to 7, that would give you some time to work in the evening.

I've used the tv distract DS before and it's worked but if its a lot he just gets grumpy and more difficult to deal with. Could you set up an activity? My DS loves sitting next to me and "working" with some play doh or crayons. I can sometimes get an hour that way, or if I get out blocks or Lego I could get 30 minutes of peace easily.

Also remember your health is important too, working all the time isn't healthy for anyone and working with a toddler around is easily 3 times more stressful. Your DH needs to give you a break whenever you can.

It also sounds like your dh could do with a bit of an attitude change. Why should it be you that has to cope all of the time?

Agree. DH would probably agree too. Not defending him, but he's currently on a very fast-moving 'hamster-wheel' at work which doesn't leave much time for reflection and meaningful change. I was on a similar one before I went on maternity leave so I have some idea what it's like for him. Still lose it at him occasionally, but do try to show some appreciation for the gestures he does make, however inept. We do need structural changes to our lives to give us more time, but (ironically) don't have time atm to think things through properly or even to talk. He's under no illusion that he's in the right or that things at the moment are how they should be.

I think you need to have more definite 'mum' and 'employee' blocks rather than trying to do both at the same time.

I think you need to try knacker him out more outdoors if you can.

Going to try both of these. Agree particularly on the exercise. DS is a very active toddler with high energy levels. The problem is, my energy levels don't come near to matching his. Just want to lie on our small patch of grass and close my eyes without 15kg of toddler landing on my stomach.

Duct tape.

Has crossed my mind .

Just solidarity from here - we are in a similar position but DH is also wfh but still struggling to put in the necessary hours in! Even down to clinging on to the nap time as that’s when I do calls.

Will you be sending your toddler back to nursery? We will be because it is unsustainable but have huge guilt about it already as everyone else appears to be saying they wouldnt! But I suspect they are furloughed.

If nursery doesn’t open on 1 June, we might get a babysitter in a couple of mornings a week.

Your DH needs to step up here - regardless of how busy he is he should be able to locate a saucepan.

Agree with PP about more active time - obstacle courses are great for this. Has your son got a scooter or balance bike? I find a good scoot round the park really helps wear mine out. If you've got chores get DS involved - loading and emptying the washing machine, putting clean clothes in his room, emptying the dishwasher, dusting. In terms of playing, look for things he can do without you - you're doing lots of active play which is great, but really you need him doing independent play for some of the time - have you got toys that he'll play with by himself? My DS loves those magnetic tiles and will happily sit building towers and I'll just have to say "oh wow, look at your tower" every 10 minutes or so.

He'll be going back to nursery if it reopens then. But not sure it will...We're sort of waiting to hear on that and not getting much information on when (if) he can go back. Don't want to give notice since his friends are there and he's settled, otherwise would start looking for a part-time nanny right now.