Baby before marriage?

[Freckles23]

Hi everyone,

First post here so please be nice lol!

Would love some opinions on having a baby before marriage?

My OH and I are settled, financially stable and in a very happy relationship. We have discussed marriage and it was on the cards until an immediate relation has become terminally ill. Due to this, an engagement and wedding is the last thing on our minds, but it has made us realise just how short life can be.

We have floated the idea of having a baby before marriage and in the near future, but having always been quite traditional, I always wanted to be married first.

Have any mums out there had their babies before marriage? I worry that people will think we are only going to marry because we'd have a child..

It all depends on what your plans are after having a baby. Would you go back to work full time, part time or not at all. If your not married and you give up work or reduce your earnings and something goes wrong with your relationship you are massively vulnerable. Other than that it really doesn't matter either way, do what feels right for you.

If it would bother you why not a quick registry office to make marriage official. You can always have a “wedding” later if you decide that’s what you want. I didn’t want to start a family before we were married, but everyone is different. I wouldn’t judge anyone either way ❤️

I became pregnant unexpectedly early in our relationship so we weren’t married when he came along. Got engaged 2yrs later, had no2 another 18months later and were meant to get married in April (now postponed to November).

If you're having the baby first make sure your wills are up to date and iron clad. Financially there are a few benefits to being married in the event of spousal death.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/money/spend-save/co-habiting-finances-unmarried-couples-inheritance-death-money-saving-property-life-insurance-a8210741.html%3famp

Please dont worry what other people will think about your life and your situation.
I had my DD before marriage and plan to have my 2nd before marriage also.
We will get married after

For me, I always felt that I would get married and then have children. I would have felt too vulnerable if I’d had a child first. I definitely think you could have a registry office wedding and then a bigger celebration at a later date.

We always planned baby before marriage, and will be getting married when dd is 3.

Agree with others though if you won't be going vack to work full time, then maybe do quick wedding to protect yourself and loss of earnings

If you’re secure in your relationship it makes no difference. I had DC1 whilst engaged, we married two years later and then had DC2. It was just in a different order to the ‘ideal’ (Whatever that is).

Personally I wanted to be married because of the legalities and protection afforded to you when you’re married. Pregnancy and having babies makes you vulnerable. For example I developed lupus after having DD2 and my consultant said he thought it was a direct consequence of having two babies in two years. As such my earning potential has gone down the toilet, but at least I have the security of knowing if my husband upped and left I would have some legal recourse on his earnings. It’s not romantic but it is a reality.

We have 3 children. I have absolutely zero intention of marrying my other half. We thought about it for approx a day, but it all seemed like a load of self indulgent expense that I just couldn't justify (I really would have liked the pretty dress though!).
I say this though as an equal earner. If it was any different, I would think harder or make sure I had sufficient safeguards in place.

it makes a huge difference, actually, see this link from citizens advice bureau
People you know having opinions is not relevant, though, unless they’re paying your bills they have no business acting as moral barometers.

Marriage in terms of a big party is totally optional. Marriage in terms of the legal and financial security it brings, in my opinion, aren’t optional.

Whilst not being married can affect men too it’s almost always women who end up getting totally screwed when it all goes tits up. You can ofc put legal documents in place to give you the same protection as marriage without being married but honestly I think that’s a lot more effort and faff for exactly the same outcome.

I had DC1 before marriage (I'm not very traditional so it wasn't important to me to get married first) then we got married before DC2 when we had more time and money. It worked for us. We had to redo DC1's birth certificate after we married. As we had her out of wedlock (I know that's an antiquated phrase!) DC2 would have inherited everything after we died. It was very simple to change the birth certificate.

Me and Dp have been together 13.5 years, 1st loves etc, we have ds who is 6 and dd who is 5months. Not married, thinking about it for 15th anniversary

Well it's 2020 but 1920... But then I am great from traditional.

We had bubs in December but we're planning to get married (v. small wedding, no fuss, just some family and a pub lunch after.) But obviously that's gone down the plughole.

It's not as if my daughter isn't going to get a job cos she's a bastard child. It might make things simpler legally though is the only thing. But unless you get run over on the way to your wedding, it didn't matter if you have the baby before it after in long run.

And stuff what other people think. Who cares. I had an aunt who thought we should have got marked be moving in with each other. (Eye roll). I said if we do she won't be invited anyway. Pff.

Marriage gives you protection if your have a health problem in pregnancy, particularly one that is long term and reduces your earning power. I know a few women who have long-term health issues after pregnancy, although it is relatively rare.

You alone are taking the risk with your health. If you get married then legally you share the risk in terms of finances etc.

I have an 8 month old now and I had been engaged 2 years when I fell pregnant. We weren't actively trying but not stopping it and it actual took nearly 2 years to get pregnant (I have pcos) so we knew it could happen before getting married. We're still engaged now and will now probably get married in 2 or 3 years and have our little girl there. The only honest negative thing would be when you have a newborn a lot of relationships get tested, i know mine did. And it's very every to have rows and say ah well we're not married it's over in the heat of the moment. But I suppose married couples go through that as well! Don't regret getting pregnant before marriage at all :)

I have a 2 year old and expecting #2. We have been together 10 years, have our house together in both our names, and before babies always earned similar amounts (I now work 3 days a week). Marriage has never been top of the list; we wanted a deposit for a house rather than an expensive wedding, and getting my family together would be an awkward nightmare. We probably will get round to it soon enough, even with just a registry office thing.

@SallyWD

We had to redo DC1's birth certificate after we married. As we had her out of wedlock (I know that's an antiquated phrase!) DC2 would have inherited everything after we died. It was very simple to change the birth certificate.

What country are you in? It's not the case in the UK that 'illegitimate' children can't inherit...
Even if it were, your will would override this.

What did you change on the birth certificate?

If you have a family member who is ill, I would not rush to have a baby now. My mum was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer when my 2nd was a few weeks old. The first year of his life was really difficult. I really struggled emotionally because I was exhausted and worrying about losing my mum. She missed out on a lot of time with him because she was too ill for visits. She is in remission now (it wasn’t terminal), but life would have been a lot simpler to not have to cope with two life changing things all at once.

If you are providing any care to your family member, this will be limited by being pregnant or having a new baby. I think if you know you eat one together, then have a small wedding now while they can still be here to celebrate with you. But yes, me personally I would get married first. There’s no reason not to if you do want to be married to each other.

@Veterinari I am the the UK. It's not that illegitimate children don't always inherit. If you only had one child or several children who were all illegitimate then yes they would inherit from you. However, the problem arises when you have 1 (or more) illegitimate child and 1 (or more) child who IS legitimate. In this situation it's the legitimate child who gets everything! It's an old antiquated law. I'd never heard of this but we were given the information when we married. To be honest I can't remember what we changed on DC1's birth certificate. It was 8 years ago. It was probably just to state that we were married. You're right we could have just put in our wills that everything is split between the 2 children. However, it was so quick and easy to change the birth certificate we thought why not? It was a 5 minute appointment at the council and job done. I felt better knowing that DC1 had the same rights as DC2 (you sometimes hear of people disputing wills etc. This removed all doubt).

We married 2 weeks before the baby was born to have the same rights (hospital etc.). I also wanted us all to have the same name for travelling purposes.

It was super cheap, just signed papers at the Town Hall, all came up to less than £500.