My 4yo asked my partner if he can be his dad

[probablynotthesame]

Hi I'm after any advice/experience anyone can offer me please.

I've been in a relationship for a couple of years and my son and partner get on really well together.

My son is 4 years old, he has never known his biological father because we split when he was 7 months old due to DV. His father has a 'new' family and never bothered to have contact or any form of relationship with him.

I have received the odd email 'threat' that he will take me to court etc but I think he just does this out of continued attempts of emotional abuse as so far nothing has materialised from it.

A few weeks ago my son asked my partner 'will you be my dad' my partner tactfully told him politely and nicely that he would think about it and talk to him again about it.

Now we are both stuck with what to do?

My opinion is basically as long as they are both happy and comfortable I don't mind either way.

So questions are:

1. does he know what a father is?
2. he's never asked about his biological father should this be addressed? And if so how?
3. would it confuse him later on?
4. we thought about other names apart from dad but couldn't come up with anything that felt natural?

Just for context we live together and my partner has taken on the father role really well. He doesn't have any children himself and it's just the one child I have. We are both in our 30's.

Thanks 😊

Saying “will you be my dad?” Doesn’t mean he realises OPs partner isn’t his real Dad, he’s four, unless it has been fairly regularly explained he likely won’t realise he has a biological father. My sons four (well, five in June) and he is only just starting to understand that he has a bio mother and father who made him.

I think that you shouldn't encourage him to call your partner 'dad' unless you are married.

He has already been abandoned by his bio dad and if something happened to your relationship with your dp it is less likely that he will remain in your son's life.

Also if you go on to have other children together, being married will be security for all of you. You would also then be able to arrange for your then husband to adopt your son. (Although ex might object).

In the meantime I would try to come up with a special name for your dp. E.g. if his name is David he could be 'dodi'. Your partner could say 'I'm not your dad, I'm Dodi who loves you very much'.

I would say that if he wants to call your partner dad, then that should be something which has some from your DS (which it obviously has). And something that your partner should be 100% on board with, it’s a big responsibility having a child call you dad when they aren’t biologically yours.
From personal experience as well, I would say it’s really important to talk to your son about his bio father. Explain that it’s not sons fault that he’s not around etc.
My dad left when I was 5 and we call my stepdad Dad and have done for over 17 years- he’s the only dad I would ever need and I have his surname too. But my mum never spoke to me about my bio father and I think it was quite damaging to me growing up and still to this day.

I would tell him that there are different kinds of dads. You have dads who help to make a baby. Sometimes those dads are also the kind of dads who love children and play with them and look after them.

Your partner could tell your ds that he didn't help you to make ds so he can't be that kind of dad. But he loves you and loves ds so could be the 2nd kind of dad. As bio dad is abusive and out of the picture, then there's no harm in him calling your partner dad.

I like 1066's answer above about teliing him there are different kinds of dads. And then it's up to you and your DP to decide whether him being called Dad is ok?

My son (now 7) is donor conceived and we have a book about donor conception that I've read to him since he was a baby, so he's always known he hasn't got a dad. The book talks about needing eggs and sperm to make a baby, and the sperm came from a donor and a doctor helped me have a baby. I imagine there are similar kinds of books for all kind of family set-ups, that might be a good way to start a conversation with your child about biological fathers, how babies are made, etc.? If you keep it age appropriate and matter of fact, your child will probably take it in his stride. An easier conversation to have earlier rather than later, I think.

How complicated does this need to get? He is 4 years old. Let him call your DH Dad until he’s a bit older then decide.

Adopting him is going to piss your ex off and you don’t need that.

Don't make this complicated. If you are living with this guy and it's for the long haul, marry him and tell your son this will mean he is officially his dad. Until then you say they are great friends and you hope that soon you can be his dad. Save the anguish and detail of the real father story for a bit older when he has a bit more life experience. He is not asking about that. Don't force information and don't withhold information. Children have way more capacity for truth than we give them credit for. My four year old play acts having father who have died and that she has to live with her step father who is very kind...so far so Cinderella...they get it.
The wording and detail of the story isn't important. The important is whether this guy is right for and is going to stick around throughout your child's childhood, and that you are committed to doing the same.

I think you need to start introducing the truth to your son as he is clearly thinking about it.
I would also be really cautious about appearing to give permission for your little one to choose his father if this is not a very stable long term relationship between you and your partner. Don't be setting up your little one for a second failed father. The fact this idea seems to have come as a surprise to you and your partner and you haven't already made long term plans about this is a bit of a red flag for me.
The fact is, we don't choose our father. We all have to work through the raw reality of who our real fathers are.
Yes, some people receive better parenting from other people in their life such as step parents or other relatives. But that doesn't magic away the truth of their real father.
You need to work out your plan to introduce the truth to your son (potentially over years as appropriate for his age and development). The relationship he has with your partner is a positive thing in his life but it is another relationship and shouldn't be used to hide or get out of the truth.

It's certainly not a decision to be taken lightly. Does your DP act like a dad to your son? Are you as confident as you can be that your relationship is solid and will stand the tests of time? If yes, then I would say go for it but talk it through with your son together in a child appropriate way.

I've got step children. When my step-daughter was around 7 or 8 and we'd been living together for about a year she ask me that question, though she worded it as "should I call you dad". I, thinking I was doing the right thing by her, explained that I would always love her and care for her as if she was my own daughter but that I was not replacing her real dad. At the time we were still doing everything we could to maintain the kids' relationships with their natural father and I didn't want to confuse them. As it turned out he's a selfish POS and wasn't interested in being their dad.

Nothing more was said on the matter until my first birthday after she turned 16. She always got me cards and presents but they were always to me by my name. On this birthday she gave me a "to dad" card and inside she'd handwritten a message "to dad". After I'd read it, she told me that as she was 16 now she was old enough to decide for herself who her dad was. I crumbled at that point.

We have had many discussions since. She didn't ask me if she should call me dad when she was little out of a sense of duty nor was it a frivolous thing. She wanted and needed a dad, as every child does, and it was me that was filling that role whilst her father was taking little or no interest in her. She wanted to feel as much a part of me and our family as her half-sibling. She wanted to be able to talk about her dad to her friends just as they talked about their dads.

I've always regretted not taking more time to listen to her when she was little. I thought I was doing the right thing and maybe I was at that moment in time but I handled it badly. I should have made sure I understood her and not just assumed I knew best. Anyway, she's a grown woman now with kids of her own and I'm still very much her dad.

Speak to your son and understand him before you make any decisions.

Thank you everyone for your posts.

I've been thinking of talking to him and introducing the concept of different family set ups so I can broach the subject that he does have a bio father.

My DP and I have discussed that the 'dad' term probably should come later in his life so he has more of an understanding of what it means. We've been thinking of other special names like pp have suggested.

I think I'll keep it as simple as possible then he can take the lead on asking questions if he wants to.

I got together with my now DH when DD was 2. Her biological dad had never been involved. DD started calling him Dad after about a year, as he’s fab with her. They way we explained it was that he wasn’t there when I made her, but chose to be her Dad. She knows about her biological Dad, and knows that if she wants contact with him I will make that happen. She’s not interested at this point (she’s 10). It was really clear from the start that it was a long term serious relationship with us, we bought a house together and are committed.

Follow your sons lead, but make sure he knows that he had a biological father too. The last thing you want is some big secret coming out down the line. Good luck

I was in Very similar situation to yours - 30 years ago

My son asked, my DH (I only moved in together after we married, moved in sane month my son turned 5 but was seeing my DH from when my son was 2).

My son asked my DH if he could call him dad and he also asked if he could have the same last name. My ex, son’s Biological Father, really couldn’t be bothered to do anything with regards to keeping in touch with my son (let alone pay any child support at all). After a chat with me, my DH told my son he’d be very happy to be his Dad. In school we told them that “our” son wished to be known by my married last name / DH last name.

Years down the line we asked about adoption, Ex couldn’t be bothered to reply to that. After DS felt distressed after a school trip To France when passports needed to be used and of course, that was with a different last name, we asked for consent to a change of name by deed poll. No response (we knew via his mother he had received each of these requests and chose to ignore).

When DS turned 18, he changed his name by deed poll. My DH is most definitely his dad. So go for it

Definitely tell him about his bio father sooner rather than later ' a father that made you but wasn't ready to be a dad ' could be a good starting point. Just answer his questions ,children only need answers to what they ask not more information .The longer you leave it the more of a big deal it will become.

Tootrue that's so lovely you sound like you did exactly what was right at the time.

As for our relationship I believe that we will stand the test of time, nothing is 100% though of course! But I wouldn't consider marrying him or even introducing him to my son in the first place if I didn't believe this.

I always anticipated he would ask about his real father first before anything else so it has thrown me a little admittedly!

I've always remained true to not keeping secrets from my son and he absolutely has a right to know about his bio father. I won't bad mouth him because that's not what children need to hear but I will be truthful in an age appropriate way.

I like the sentence about his bio father not being ready to be a dad, I think I'll use that one thank you.

I think not ready to be a dad suggests he might be ready later. I.e. don't you use not ready in that everyday context 'your dinner's not ready'? What I got from your post and pp posts was that your partner didn't jump at the opportunity like some. Even if he just wanted to discuss it first, he seemed reticent about it. More discussion with him needed I'd say to clarify that.

My SIL always called her stepdad "dad" and her bio dad was actually still a semi active part of her life. That was her choice and not something her mum pushed for as far as I know, as her bio dad was an abusive alcoholic.

One of my friends had a baby with a man who legged it on day 1 and never even saw her. She met her now husband when her dd was about 2 and they've now married and he's adopted her. She's always known him as dad I think.

Another woman I know had a baby with a man who flitted in and out for a few months before calling it a day, met a new man a few months later and started calling him dad right away. She swore that she was certain they'd get married but a few years later they broke up. I don't think they ever even made it to living together.

Your situation sounds a lot more like scenarios A and B than C. I think I'd probably wait to move from "talking about marriage" to "actually married" if I were you though. Talk is cheap, as they say.

Yes I think you're right marriage to come first. it's not that my DP is reluctant about being a dad he's already said that's the role he is in his life we just want to tread carefully as obviously he doesn't even know anything about his bio father.

It's so lovely to hear the positive stories and personal experiences, it's a massive help, thank you

Just jumping here to say i think there are story books explaining these concepts if it helps.. i think ive seen them in amazon or something.. worth a shot?

Think right now a 4 yr old need a simple idea on dad and mum and keep it at that.

Also, calling DP a different name sounds better? That case, they have a special bond?

My DS calls everyone in his family by whatever he first called them.. like my dad (his grandad) is "aappa" 🤷🏽‍♀️ etc it doesnt change the relationship he feels towards them.