When your partner does something they shouldn't..

[Heygirlheyboy]

Two things recently have left me lost for words in the moment and I'd love some advice. Firstly dh has been secretly smoking outside, I'm not impressed but haven't said much, don't know what I can say except let him know I wasn't happy. Ds8 went out last week and came in saying daddy was smoking... dh denied.. I don't know how to react and am sure I just looked foolish. I don't think it's right to lie when he'd bloody seen the smoke and then if truth told, he knows it's a really bad choice. Then, just now, he called ds a brat and ds knows I'm against name calling etc so has come to me. I feel very uncomfortable quizzing him about his behaviour - not good - while glossing over h's comment.. H then came up and brought him out, I'm working, but ds v upset. I feel a bit lost and unsure as I know not ideal to disagree with partner's take on things.

I should add for balance, h says I need to back him up as ds knows I do things differently..

I would just be honest. "I see you've started smoking outside. DS has seen it. I'm uncomfortable with the impact on your health but you can choose to smoke if you wish. Its important to me however that we are honest with each other about all things, so please don't try and hide it from me'.

And with the brat comment. Wait until kids are not around and just say, "DS was very upset at being called a brat. Can we talk about how you and I can agree to manage his behavior without calling names in the future? "

Thank you. It's the when they are around I'm wondering about tho? What do I say to ds when he 'reports' these things?

Anyone?

Hard one, OP. I think the best thing might be to thank DS for letting you know, but try not to put blame on DH until you've spoken to him. If he still insists on name-calling then I would back your DS and make sure you comfort him. Hopefully DH will then learn that he shouldn't be name-calling a young child xx

Thank you. Yes of course he agrees he was wrong and he shouldn't have said it. That's a response at least for ds, without too much judgement.

h says I need to back him up as ds knows I do things differently.

I won't back my DH up if I think he is in the wrong. And lying to our dc and calling them names puts him pretty firmly in the wrong. I would find my DH, suggest he apologises for calling DS names, and if he got arsey I would ask him was he seriously expecting me to be OK with him being a liar who calls the kids names.

At the time I would be honest with ds "that doesn't sound very nice at all, I am sure Dad is sorry he did that".

I agree with @Iwalkinmyclothing

Tell DH that you don't mind him smoking but if he tastes like an ashtray when you kiss him, you'll stop immediately. And he can wash his own clothes.

I know filka, right? not envy!

Yes I did say 'That's not nice at all' to ds... thanks I catch myself wondering a lot. We grew up in very different households..