Getting out with post natal depression

[Yorkymidge]

Hi, my LB is 14 months old. I’ve struggled with post-natal depression and therefore had a lack of confidence to go out there and meet people. Before lockdown, i took him to one play session and one swimming lesson a week but struggled to interact with the parents. I know i need mum friends though, because i’m lonely and want him to interact more with children, but can’t afford childcare yet. Does anyone have any advice? Also, once lockdown is over, i want to go out more. How do you deal with naps whilst out for the day? My LB goes for a nap at 12pm and it can last between 1 and 3 hours, how to do you do this if you’re out and about? I don’t want to limit myself to mornings or late afternoons. Thank you and please be kind x

Hiya!

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a tough time.

It sounds like you’re being really proactive and considering your child’s needs as well as your own, which is great!

I know the feeling about wanting mum friends. My LO was born during lockdown so haven’t been able to do any groups etc. It’s tough!

For things after lockdown, are there any churches local to you? Many do free children’s groups (or very cheap, like a couple of Quid) with simple activities for the kids and coffee for the mums!

Can’t help with naps I’m afraid - still working this one out myself, my LO won’t even nap when out for a walk in the pram!

I’m the one walking, not him obviously 😂

Should also say that many churches don’t have any religious content in their children’s groups, it’s more of a community thing, in case that’s not your scene

Sorry you've had a tough time. My DS is the same age as yours and I think it's a good time to meet new mum friends as the kids can interact a bit (once lockdown is over!).

My experience is that one or two mum friends can make a huge difference. Start by looking at your existing social circle. My two best mum friends are the wife of someone I went to school with (who I had vaguely stayed in touch with, but we weren't close) and a neighbour who I met by chance whilst walking around. I hate baby groups personally, I find them so awkward and forced and barely ever find people willing to chat to new people, which I really thought was the point! Once lockdown is over, try to get out to local softplays, parks etc. And chat to people. Suggest a playdate - the worst they can say is no!

@Eggcellent29 thank you for your lovely response, i was expecting a backlash, not support so it really means a lot. I’m going to make the effort to go to more cheaper groups. I always say i will and then the anxiety gets the better of me haha but i am going to try.

@nervousnelly8 thanks for your lovely response. I tried contacting the mums i briefly knew of, but none seemed interested 😔 i never thought of going to a playgym on my own to meet others, so thank you for that! Do you have any tips on naps (more details in OP) x

@Yorkymidge try not to take it personally - you never know what people have got going on. And as I said, I really think it only takes one or two! Going out and about by yourself can be a bit daunting, but I find if you go with your LO you can give them all your attention and then scope out anyone else there by themselves! I'm a terrible person to give advice on naps because my DS is an awful sleeper! He is up at least 3-4 times every night. He does do a really long and consistent nap in the middle of the day, from 12ish until 2ish. So I tend not to mess with it and just go out before/after. I do think it's fine to have a backstop time not to let them sleep past in the afternoon - I find if its after 2.30pm it starts impacting bedtime. So if he happens to be asleep then, I'll get him up. That will give me a solid morning slot (9-12) and a solid afternoon slot (2.30-5.30) to plan something, which seems to suit mums of other children the same age pretty well.

@nervousnelly8 i’m sorry, i’ve only just seen your reply. You’re right, i suppose if i make one “mum friend” then it will open doors to more, thank you so much. As for naps, hang in there! But that advice also makes sense too, thank you.

If you are in Plymouth, I will be your mum friend! I had PND for most of my maternity leave and struggled to make mum friends at groups, I think I was just too depressed to talk to people. I have a 12 month old and really want her to have some playmates.

Hey @Yorkymidge, it sounds like you’ve had a rough few months of it. I had a similar experience so understand a little of what you’re feeling. You’re doing such a great job and sound like a really lovely mummy, your little one is lucky to have you x
I didn’t pluck up the courage to start a playgroup until DD was almost 2 (😳😳 - crap mummy!) but when I did, I started at the beginning of The September term (most groups stop for school hols) and the group had places because the big ones had gone up to preschool or primary even, so there were a few new mums all st the same time. I got chatting to one who felt the same as me in a lot of ways and had similar parenting style etc and we luckily just hit it off and almost two years on we are great friends that speak most days. I’d imagine when lockdown ends and groups restart there will be lots of mums wanting to start a group that are new to it, and probably feel as nervous as you do it could be a great opportunity to meet people. I always found a compliment was a great icebreaker - ie/ ooh I love your changing bag, where was it from or your little one is a cutie, how old is he etc.
I also downloaded the mush app and got chatting to local mums on that too - it’s a great way to get answers to questions from other mums and because they are local it often leads to meet ups and play dates. I met my now best friend on there and our children are great friends too so it can work really well. Bit like tinder for mums 😂😂😂 You can do this now, don’t need to wait for the end of lockdown and it might help you nurture some new friendships now that lead to play dates in the future.
Re naps, I had a different approach. I always embraced getting up and out in the morning to groups/park/softplay etc but then brought DD home for her nap. I used the 2-3 hours of peace as “me time” and make and eat a really nice healthy lunch and then have a bath or a cuppa and read my book etc. Now I know some people would say that’s lazy, but I had severe PND and really didn’t look after myself and got ill...a lot of therapy taught me to understand it’s ok to prioritise myself too; look after my own needs, get a breather and make self care an actual thing and part of my day...happy mum happy baby and all that? It gave me a breather to look forward to on a difficult morning and recharged me to get through the afternoon till bedtime...as I got better and felt stronger I didn’t always feel the need to do this; and started to split the nap time - an hour of ironing/tidying/prepping tea etc and then an hour or so for my time. The way I see it is if you work in an office you do an 8 hour day and get an hours lunch break. Being a mum means a 12+ hour day and being on call over night, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It’s ok to make sure you have your lunch break!
Sorry that was long and waffly but just wanted you know you’re not alone and it’s ok to feel wobbly and it’s essential to look after you as well as your baby. Keep going, you’re doing an excellent job xx

@Hartleyhare1206 - such a lovely post, loads of good tips in here.

@nervousnelly8 as was yours. You speak a lot of sense. You’re right about only needing one or two. You just need the RIGHT one or two and it totally changes your world and the way you feel about parenting in my opinion. The two friends I made from grouos have become my army. I found so many of my existing friends with kids didn’t get it because their kids were older (DD is an IVF baby and was 5 years in the making so we had a newborn as a lot of friends kids were much older and at preschool or even primary) Mother Nature is good at making parents forget the shit bits I think. So I’d talk to my oldest and best friend in tears because DD wouldn’t nap or whatever, and she’d just laugh and be like “it’s just a phase” which it obviously is, but that doesn’t help when you’re in the thick of it. But obviously you have that hindsight when you have a 5 year old and they are more Independent and out of your hair 9-3 each day at school....mums with kids of a similar age tend to get it more and help you find solutions/cheer you up/commiserate with you etc....well in my experience anyway! Xx