Ever feel you shouldn't have had children?

[bigmamama]

Think I'm just having a really bad day.
I have a 4yo Ds and a 9mth Ds, and both have been very trying lately. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship, iv lost the will to do anything I'm actually feeling hateful and stressed more than anything to the point I think to myself I really think I shouldn't have had kids.
Have bad and selfish is that! Yeah I know I'm a terrible mum, but I just feel like I can't do this anymore I don't want to be a parent any longer In fact they'd probably be better off with my mother who seems to have all the patience in the world and doesn't get angry or lose her shit the way I do.
I'm carrying around this unbearable mum guilt every single day, I feel awful for my eldest he's lost the complete attention he had, then he lost school, his nursery his little friends and his own routine. He's cooped up in here with his little brother who he seems to resent an hate, which makes him act up and be naughty which I'm turn makes me shout. It's just a vicious never ending cycle I can't seem to break.
I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Hi OP,
I didn’t want to read and run. I’m sure you are not the only one who is feeling like this at this very moment. Is there a chance you might have PND? I think you should speak to your GP as soon as you can and get some support.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself, we all need support and you have an awful lot to deal with right now so don’t feel alone.

Aw that sounds rubbish! Sorry you're having a tough time OP. I think the way you feel is probably the way most parents feel cooped up with two small children at the moment. None of us expected all this to happen.

Is there anyone who can take them for an hour or two so you can have a bath or a quiet cup of tea?

Would your older son react well to a routine or itinerary? There are loads of great (cheap and easy) craft suggestions online. You could draw up a little timetable where (for example) you have breakfast at x time, do an hour of crafts at y time, then baby goes for a nap and he 'helps' you tidy up (with a small reward).

I know it is gruelling but breaking the day up might help? You could do a star chart for when your son has a particularly good day and three stars wins him a little prize?

Sorry if that's a rubbish idea, hopefully lockdown will lift a bit soon and you will at least be able to let your mum babysit, etc.

We're living in strange times op. Had days very similar. Different circumstances I know I'd very rarely feel like this. Don't be hard on yourself. Might be worth speaking to your health visitor or gp x

Sending lots of I feel like this some days. Mine are 2 and 4 and on my dark days I sometimes think I made a big mistake having them as I don’t seem to be a very good mother and have lost a lot of enthusiasm over lockdown. I resent them sometimes (ridiculous as I chose to have them and which then brings on a lot of guilt as it’s not their fault). I also lose my shit and shout too much and all the parenting techniques I’ve read to get my 4 year old to listen go out the window.
Other days I cut myself some slack and realise that they are well cared for, well fed and loved. I’m trying to find enjoyment in the little moments and not expect whole days to be full of fun. Just hold on to those 5 minutes where we’re all happy or laughing. It helps.

I would have been struggling much more if my youngest was only 9 months. My eldest hated her sibling when he was that age and she really played up. It might be worth chatting things through with your GP if you feel like this everyday. Do you have a partner at home to support you as well? Are you getting anytime to yourself?

I don’t have a solution I’m afraid but you are definitely not alone.

Feel like this often too. I have a four year old and a four month old. My youngest is beautiful but I can’t stop thinking how much easier life would be right now if I hadn’t had her. Think it’s the situation getting to us. We can only do our best x

Do you have a partner? If so, get them to have the baby at the weekend, get them to take baby out for a walk and spend a couple of hours alone with your eldest. Call it special time or whatever, make a big deal of saying you can do a game of his choice or watch a film with some snacks... You get the picture. I think spending some quality time with your eldest might help solve some of your issues. It's probably down to the way we living at the moment. Try to shelve the mum guilt, it just makes you feel rubbish. You sound like a caring Mum to me, you are quite understandably feeling burnt out x

Thank you everyone.
Had a complete breakdown yesterday after lack of sleep and had to ring my mum to come and take them for a few hours (she lives alone, is young no health problems)
So I could sleep and shower, I have a phone app in the morning with the gp to discuss a higher dose of anti depressants. I'm already on them for pnd.
Hope everyone is having a better day today