Heartbreaking sibling issues

[Hondacivic83]

Hi everyone,
I have a very frustrating issue and was hoping I could get some opinions and advice. My 4 yr old son seems to struggle to show me any affection, it doesn't matter that I spend so much time making sure he's had a good day, it is never good enough. My daughter is 17 years and the pair of them are inseparable, he wants her over me all of the time , if he's hurt, sceard ect and I don't get it. He was the child I was told I could never have and I went through so much to get him, he is my world and I love him so much , which is why this hurts so bad. With lock down I can't even distance the pair a little bit . My daughter plays or sits with him whilst I'm cleaning or cooking dinner but I do so so much in a day with him, yet my daughter in his eyes gave him a better day. What do I do?

You stop competing and you realise how lovely their relationship is. Why would you want to distance them?

Hi OP you've posted this on the conception page which may not be the best place for it. Try posting in parenting maybe

Yes, report the post by clicking on the three buttons at the bottom of it and MNHQ should move if for you.

I can see why you're upset that your little boy appears to have chosen his sister as a pseudo-mum, wanting her when he's hurt etc. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can realistically do about it without being massively unreasonable and probably causing them to resent you. Definitely don't mention it- jealousy is an ugly colour, particularly jealousy of your own daughter. I think try and concentrate on how lovely it is that they have such a strong relationship and how beneficial it will be for him when he's older to have someone to come to with problems who isn't mum. There's no such thing as too much love. Enjoy the time you spend with him and your free time too- not many mums of four year olds get so much of it. Soon she'll be off out in the world living her own life and I bet you'll miss these days.

Why do you want to distance them? I think it's lovely that they're so close. You say that he is 'your world', what kind of relationship do you have with your daughter?

Echoing @Megatron what sort of relationship do you have with your dd? Interesting that you describe your ds as 'your world! but seem almost resentful of your dd.
Deliberately distancing them would be hurtful for both of them, why not be thankful for their amazing relationship and stop being jealous of your own daughter?

I agree don’t distance them. As it’s wonderful they have such a good relationship. I can understand you feeling hurt if he seems to prefer her. But there’s nothing you can do about it really. Just enjoy your time with him and her, separately as well as all together. How is your relationship with your daughter?

OP this is actually really common, except that it's usually the partner rather than the sibling who is preferred. I remember doing so much for my DD (I was a SAHM at the time) and being rather upset that she was a massive Daddy's girl and would always choose DH over me! She's 12 now and we're really close. It's just a phase.

Could it be possible that while you're doing the boring bits of making sure the house runs properly, she's doing all the lovely bits of having fun with him?

To be honest, it sounds like you're struggling with both of them. I'd go for a total reset - let the cleaning etc slide and spend real, quality time with both of them. Give your DD the "day off" and just play with your son - no chores etc, just the two of you. Then the next day do something all three of you together. Then give DS to his dad for the day and spend some proper quality time with your DD - undivided attention just for her.

I know you're worried about your relationship with DS but tbh from how you describe it I'm much more concerned by how you feel about your daughter - you sound resentful and disconnected, and i would really work on that. It also sounds like she's done a lot of the parenting with your DS, which is a lot of pressure as she was what, 13 when he was born? If i were you I'd focus on your DD for a bit, and try and rebuild your relationship with her.

Little kids are fickle, but they love so easily. Your daughter is nearly an adult and the tone of your relationship now will define the rest of your lives.

I think you've got really wise advice on here. I just wanted to say that I bet it feels really hard and I sympathise (though I think everyone who's posted is absolutely right in their advice).

I think this is the part of parenting where you have to really dig in and put your own feelings aside for the good of your children, however unfair it feels. This is martyr time in the best way! Really finding joy in what's good for them even if it starts out sucking for you. It's tough but I think it will make you, as well as everyone else, happier in the long run to actively put resentment side.

Hand-hold for the difficult bits of having to pretend not to be upset and making sure you don't take your hurt feelings out on them!

Hi there, @Hondacivic83 - we're just bobbing on here to let you know that we've moved your thread over to Parenting and we hope you get more useful advice here.

Crikey just leave them alone , it’s lovely that they get on so well .