Issue with my son's grandad

[maxineandicecream]

Ok, so my dad made a malicious and baseless allegation about me to my son's preschool AND Social Services in early February. Both the preschool and the Social Services quickly established it was completely baseless and told me they're not pursuing it as there was no evidence to support any of his lies. He has claimed that I "battered" my son (he was acting on third party heresay from a family member who is know for dramatizing the most simple of facts. Basically my son got a smack on the bum when he was being disobedient and had been kicking me). Nothing more, nothing less, just a single smack on the bum.

A week after making the allegations (by which time social services and the preschool had already told me it wasn't being taken any further), my dad sent a pretty insensitive text message saying "Sorry for being angry with you last week when I did it, was only trying to help". Complete nonsense.
I texted him saying I want absolutely nothing to do with him, no relationship with him ever again and will only remain polite for my son's sake. He loves his grandad, so I'm ok for him to see his but I want no relationship. He's done irreparable damage but casually tries to brush it off as "just trying to help". He's always been a narcissist (blames my brother or I for every failed relationship in his life. Each time a girlfriend dumps him one of us gets blamed for it). He's been deeply resentful of me since I met and married my son's father (I'm now divorced). Very snobby comments etc.

Ever since February when he made the allegations I've stopped contacting him (couldn't even give a damn how he is during lockdown, just don't care and have no love for him). My son speaks to him on skype (my mum sorts that).

It was my birthday recently and he dropped a present and card for me, acting normal and saying things like "happy birthday love", as though everything is normal and I should have "got over" what he did by now. I just feel so much anger and disgust about what he did, get imagine I'd ever want anything to do with him again.

My mum and stepfather are telling me I should be the better person, forgive him for my son's sake but I just don't have it in my heart. They act as though my anger towards my dad is greatly "inconvenient" for family dynamics and causes "stress" at gatherings etc. As though I'M the one in the wrong for daring to react or have feelings. They havne't got a clue.

With father's day coming up how do I make my position clear once and for all? I've always sent him cards, gifts and take him out for a meal but this year I just feel nothing for him. The thought of sending him a card feeling so fake and forced, as though I'd be doing it just to please other people.
I was planning just to send one from my son to his grandad. How would other people on this forum approach the situation?

I don't agree with punishing children with violence. One smack. 100 smacks. I don't agree with it.

I would want to know why he reported to school/SS. Did he do it because he believed the single smack you speak of was one of many? Was it because he believed one smack is one smack too many? What was he hoping the outcome would be?

A smack, one smack is not acceptable. Your young child kicked you so you smacked him?

I think both of you overreacted a bit. If he disagreed with your violence he should have spoken to you about it not reported it. And you are way overreacting to his mistake. He sounds like he is trying to repair the damage. You should just talk it out with him, let him apologise and accept the apology and maybe you agree not to use violence with your child in future.

If that is the nail in the coffin for your relationship after a series of bad behaviours, then that’s it. It’s entirely your decision. Be mindful that if he is genuinely narcissistic then he will do everything in his power to turn your child against you. Presents, manipulation, charm offensive, lies, etc.... He will enlist the wider family as well, even your ex.

Narcistic people don't change.

They also lack the ability to understand that you are still upset with them after they did something shit a while ago. I speak from experience. They just want you to forget about it so they can carry on as usual. Drawing a very clear boundary is the only thing they understand. I wouldn't send him anything in your position.

You need to point out to your mother and any other flying monkeys that the person causing any difficulties in family dynamics is your father. A genuine apology for making a false report might be a good start on his part.

I would have an issue with you smacking a little child. Before you deal with your father, you need to think deeply about your own behaviour. For whatever reason your father is concerned about the way you deal with your son. In Scotland and Wales, social services would not have been able to ignore the allegation.
Stop using violence for a start. Consider if your anger against your father has roots in your anger at your own behaviour. Then decide what to do. Your father was clumsy in his handling of the situation but your behaviour seems to have given him genuine cause for concern. You need to address your own issues first and make sure you are not taking your guilt and transferring it to your father.

You are entitled to your own feelings. If you feel like not contacting him, then you are right and you best do how you feel.

In this country, social services and authorities in general can take quite a strong view about physical punishment of a child and for that reason him reporting you as he did he did a lot of damage.

I also disagree with smacking, but I also know that sometimes people lose their temper. It was a smack on his bum. It is not right, but it is not the end of the world either. I'd just make an effort to prevent getting myself into a similar situation again.