10 year old DD shy and awkward, help!!

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How can we help our shy and awkward DD to relax a bit around people?

10 year old DD has a lot of friends and is more or less at ease around children she doesn’t know, although she can be very quiet in a new environment. She is however painfully awkward around any older children or adults such as coaches, teachers, family friends etc. She goes mute and can’t seem to put two words together, and ends up coming across as rude... she also hates any attention and would rather the earth open up and swallow her than having to talk about herself etc. She actually would have a lot to talk about as she is reasonably successful in her chosen sport, which she practises 5 days per week, but again she refuses to talk about this in social settings, or even to have her friends at school know exactly what she does in her spare time! Strange, as we thought he’d success in this field would be a boost for her confidence.

How can we help her relax a bit, to the point where she would be able to handle a brief conversation/interaction with people outside the family?

Im not really sure....watching the post for pointers. I was like this as a child (thankfully Im not now).

The only thing I would say...is dont let on that you have noticed/make a deal out of it....I was told from a young age how shy I was and I think that made me worse.

Thinkpink I completely agree. It’s just so frustrating. I feel it’s holding her back, and I also feel she is too old to get away with it without being considered rude... it’s fine to be an introvert and to be reserved, but we all have to be able to return a greeting and answer the odd question in a somewhat relaxed and polite manner etc etc. I wish we could get to this point.

Thing is being shy is not personality defect that needs " changing"

Tbh what's rude is trying to talk to people who are clearly not comfortable, and/or while you havent built up the trust/ relationship with and turning the fact you are pushy and overstepping boundaries on to them

Its easy as an adult to forget that some adults tower over kids and even without meaning to can almost feel threatening.

Girls especially are socialised out of listening to internal warnings and expected to be people pleasers and all polite and friendly all of the time.

I agree with SarahT above,

Your DD being shy and awkward is not something that needs to be fixed.

I would suggest having her take the free personality test on 16 personalities. That will give you and her insight into her personality and how best to interact with her. There is nothing wrong with being introverted and often the social graces come with time and maturity. She is only 10.

Bless her - it's so so common to go through a shy/bashful/awkward stage so I really wouldn't worry, I don't think it means she will necessarily grow up as a shy or not confident person (not that it's a disaster if she does as a PP says). It's great that she is comfortable with other children. Who knows why she doesn't want to talk to them about her sport or herself, they can get funny ideas at that age based off throwaway comments from others or off TV or even just from their own heads about coming across as different/weird/boastful/uncool so I'd just leave her be on that front so long as she isn't unhappy about it herself. Perhaps if she does particularly want to talk to them about her sport but doesn't know how she could try asking her friends about their hobbies and things they do outside school, whether they play sports etc and that can be her 'in'?

As for the adults thing, I wonder if at her sport in particular, because she is clearly talented, she is being treated as a bit more grown up than she really is and that leaves her a bit flummoxed when she's asked questions or to contribute? Some coaches are really great at teaching their sport but don't necessarily 'get' how to interact with children (or sometimes, adults!) on a more social level. Like others have said I wouldn't draw attention to her shyness in a negative way but maybe practice how to answer politely when spoken to? She could try saying 'I'm not sure, sorry' or 'Can I have some time to think about that' if she really doesn't know what to say (good practice for interviews in later life!)?

Also, is she able to manage talking to unknown adults in settings such as ordering her own drink in a cafe or getting served in a shop (obviously not at the moment but in 'normal times'?)? These can be quite formulaic little interactions but it can just help them get over the tongue-tied-ness in a less pressured way as it really doesn't matter if she gets it wrong, she can practice smiling and saying 'good morning'/'how are you?' and her pleases and thank yous and come across as the politest child ever (which you can then praise her lots and lots for!), and she may then feel more confident in the more complex areas?

Overall though it will probably just improve with time, I'd focus in a positive way on building her self-confidence and only really intervene where she is definitely being actively rude...

My eldest is just like this (and just turned ten). In his one sport he likes he is a total chatterbox yet if we bump into a neighbour he'll freeze. Always been like it and I did worry that he was coming across rude, and as op says as they get older this is more of a problem but... It's just their personality. They're human. Dh is shy too. I tend to give him a verbal nudge if I see someone approach - "oh there's mavis, don't forget to say hi but if you want to keep going home after that's fine". Seems to take the pressure off him a bit.

I was that child, as I got older I gradually became more confident and was able to interact better. Let her develop in her own time, just keep encouraging but don’t make a big thing of it.

Good morning, and thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I completely agree that being shy/introverted/reserved is not a problem that needs to be ‘fixed’. I would just like to help her a little.

I went through a very similar stage around the same age so I think I know how she feels. For me, life became so much easier the
moment I learnt to simply speak up a little - those everyday interactions which could feel so painful turned bearable the second I figured out that a quick ‘Hi’, ‘I’m very well thank you’ and a quick reply to whatever question I was asked made all the attention shift away from me in about a tenth of the time it would take to fidget, cringe, mumble, have to repeat myself because no one heard me etc.

Time to get ready for home schooling, I will come back and read your replies in more detail a little later

I was like that at that age. My niece is awkward and she is that age (almost 11 though). Maybe it's normal? I think it's kind of cute tbh.

How bizarre. Spoken phone conversation ended up as typo. Deletion requested.

She’s only ten. I imagine she won’t be like this forever! In the meantime don’t make a big deal of it and keep helping her to build her confidence.

I mean, of course being introverted isn't an issue to be fixed, but we live in a society and the ability to interact with the rest of the world is one this little girl will need.

Someone said something about conditioning girls to "ignore their internal warnings to make nice" but imo a shy, awkward girl is more likely to be scared of saying "no" than a confident, self-assured child.

The OP isn't demanding her DD sit on the lap of strangers and talk to them for hours, she'd just like her daughter to be able to say "hi" to a stranger and maybe "I'm fine, how are you ?" I don't think it's unreasonable, and in most countries it's perceived as basic courtesy.

That said, I do agree that making a big deal out of it is unlikely to help. I'd give it time, see if she'll grow out of it. Maybe try to talk to her about it - not make it a huge deal but mention it when it's just the two of you, see what she says. Maybe something is bothering her that she'd like to share. Maybe not. If not drop it for now and revisit in a bit if it hasn't got better by then.

My middle one was a bit like that. I told him it’s fine to not be able to talk, but it is great if he can manage a smile and a nod so they know he’s heard them speak.
Separately I subtly mentioned a couple of ‘good responses’ for common questions.
Also separately and by stealth I mentioned that I feel the same sometimes and I’ve told him how I manage and what I say back etc.
We also have a hand squeezing thing to mean ‘help’ so I can get him out of a situation if he needs. Like if he’s being asked to go on a play date he doesn’t want to.

Someone said something about conditioning girls to "ignore their internal warnings to make nice" but imo a shy, awkward girl is more likely to be scared of saying "no" than a confident, self-assured child

Thank you for illustrating the point perfectly. This is how it starts. Wanting to change their personality to bail everyone else out of the fact they cant act appropriately.

Too shy?- well she didnt say no.

Socialised to be nice and talk to everyone whether she wants to or not no matter what alarm bells are ringing? - well She's too friendly / lead them on

If someone accepts that their child/ren are quiet shy and uncomfortable left alone or placed amongst strangers they are probably far less likely to place them in a situation where it will be an issue in the first place.

Her personality is not the problem. Its everyone else.

I had quite severe social anxiety when younger, and would have loved it if someone had seen it as a problem that could be fixed, rather than my innate deficiencies which I should hide.
Sounds like your shyness was fairly easy for you to sort out. Maybe hers isn't, or maybe something else is going on you don't know about.
Make it clear that you are on her side, so that she'll open up to you if it is getting her down. Pushing her into doing things she hates might even make her less willing to talk. If the shyness is actually getting in the way of her schooling or making her unhappy, then I'd consider looking for some outside support.

I was like this as a child. I won prizes for extra curriculars and I remember when it got announced once in assembly (which I hated!) none of my classmates even knew I did these sports outside of school.

You may find she develops a bit more at secondary school.

I wouldn't even worry about it. The most important thing is that she interacts well with children her own age, which she is doing. Definitely don't make her take any personality tests! Imagine making a ten year old do that

Thank you again for all your replies. So very helpful. I thought I’d add an update, as we made a surprising discovery when checking her Houseparty account yesterday.

First of all I’d just like to say that we wouldn’t ordinarily have allowed her any social media but with the lockdown it seemed like a good way to keep in touch with her friends. It seems they are using the chat function quite a bit and when I looked through her messages I realised that she is in fact being ignored/excluded by some of her peers. They rarely respond to her attempts to make contact (I counted several ‘hello’ ‘how are you’ ‘let’s talk’ messages for each one word response from her friends. She had also written some desperate messages to a couple of them asking why she is being ignored and why they won’t let her into their locked rooms to talk, and so on. For those of you who don’t know how Houseparty works, you can see when your friends are together in these locked rooms when you go online, an led you can then ‘wave’ to them to ask to be allowed in.

We talked about it and we agreed to remove the app.

I’m just so surprised. She has always been well liked by her peers, and gets asked to lots of parties and play dates. Something has clearly shifted in the past year or so, I think it’s because some of her closest friends moved to a different school last year which left her without any really close friends at school. I checked in with her every now and then and it sounded as if things were ok at school but in some subtle ways I guess it has been difficult for her.
She has always been a reserved/shy child but my reason for writing my original post was that these traits have become more dominant in her personality to the point of causing her difficulties in her everyday life. Could the above be what has caused this increased shyness and awkwardness?

Tbh it's normal for kids to grow out of friendships . They develope different interests and tbh access to social media is the worst for young children they cant handle it. Too much attention took seeking goes on. It's too hard to keep up with conversations and everyone is trying too hard to keep up with everyone else all the time.

Your daughter's being shy quite frankly in some ways is doing her a favour. Bot getting herself roped in to keeping up with social media / online presences.

When she goes to secondary school she might well find her little group. Fellow quiet people who like to just hang out, maybe read in the library or talk bit otherwise keep themselves to themselves.

I guess the differences are even more highlighted now as instead of all " hi guys , wave wave emoji emoji emoji " she would rather just talk to one or two people shes closer to.

Pre whatsapp and house party you had the break in between of having to keep up with everything. You didnt get the distance/being behind that you do now when everyone else has far more access to it than you do

I'm.sure she will find her people.

What I meant to also say was that despite the others appearing to be able to talk to eachother a heck of alot . As the owner of a teenage daughter I can also tell you that a large percentage of what is discussed is utter bollocks. Fir instance they may set up a group to arrange to go bowling. What actually happens is the phone diesnt stop buzzing and after a week still no one has the faintest idea of a date or time. Theres just pages and pages of utter nonsense.

Not being a part if that isnt so bad really. Amd there will he others who feel the same perhaps at secondary

Thank you SarahT
I can see what you mean re teenager communication

Social media is not easy even for us adults. I hate being left on read myself... easy to start overthinking it. Can’t imagine what kids today have to deal with

It certainly isn't good for friendships if I'm honest. Too easy to fall out ( you cant read tone) or get left behind.

It's too much really.

I certainly dont think I'd have coped with it as a child. I was never part of the in crowd. And it's hard work as a child to fake it if you have nothing In common with people who you know dont like u anyway.

High school was where I found my friends. My fairly quiet, weirdo group best friends i could have hoped for though. No drama, no faking it, no class announcements if you wore something horrific one day.

I think it's harder to have to change who you are to keep up with forever changing friend groups though than it is to have no friends at all.

My DD was very shy as a v young child and I did loads to bring her out of her shell. Looking back now, I feel I should have let her be herself ... some of us are shy and it's ok. I was v shy and mortified when made to appear in a play at about age 10 and can still relive the horror of it or to be made to do a speech on sport in front of the school.
Gradually over time most people gain in confidence more and I am sure your daughter will be one of these. Maybe she might like the reassurance of you doing little things together. Try not to draw attention to it or worry too much. You could maybe discuss with school when they go back or GP for gentle tips.

Could the above be what has caused this increased shyness and awkwardness?
More likely that it's the beginnings of puberty starting to creep in that is causing both the cliquiness and the awkwardness, in all these girls. With my daughter, it was a bit later, about age 12, but there was definitely a stage when she split up with her previous best friends and they all formed new groups. The latter is going to be difficult when they are still out of school, obviously.