Considering Leaving DP and my home

[Rainwaltz]

Hi,

This is quite a sad post to write but I’m finding myself in a situation where I don’t know what the best thing to do for my DS is. He’s 5.5 months, my DP is wonderful with him and DS loves him very much. However our relationship is deteriorating. He’s not supportive of me breastfeeding and now won’t take DS off me ever to let me rest without him ‘because he can’t feed him’ (DS won’t take a bottle). Anyway, I’m exhausted and stressed. We’re arguing all the time, it’s got to the point where I have to lay DS down in his cot alone and shut the door so he doesn’t have to listen / get upset by our argument. I’m acutely aware our fragile relationship is being negatively effected by lockdown. My DP is a key worker working long hours so I’m at home alone most of the time alone without any support. I miss my wonderful friends and family so very much.

My DP has now taken to telling me to ‘get out’ when we row (it’s his house). It no longer feels like my home and a safe place for my baby boy. If I leave I’ll have to go to my mums, she’s high risk and shielding so going there will put her health at risk. I know she’d have us in a heartbeat but if I go and risk her health I’ll have to stay there until this is all over. I know my DP will end up full of resentment for taking our DS. He will miss him very much and I know it will be the end of our relationship. I hate that my DS won’t have the family he deserves. I don’t want to make a hasty decision that I regret, but home life is becoming constant rows and I don’t want DS around that.

I wish I could just get away for a few days for some space but I can’t.

I don’t know what to do for the best. I’ve tried everything to make things work but the arguing just gets worse and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve never had a relationship like this. We were happy and stable before DS but we clearly have different ideas about parenting and I’m not sure it’s the life my DP imagined. I’ve grown up around children / babies and I knew what to expect, I was prepared to side line our relationship and for a child to become my focus but DP has taken it hard and it’s been a shock.

Tell you partner just to bring the baby to you when he’s hungry. Show him ways to deduce it is hunger and distraction techniques. It’s sad but the woman is usually the default carer. I would have said have you tried combi feeding or expressing a breast but if your baby won’t take a bottle will he maybe take a little cup ( like they sometimes use in the hospital). Could you both move to your mums? Could your mum come to you?

How is he wonderful with him if he won't even take him so you can rest. In what way is he wonderful?

I'm not sure whether your partner is stressed or is nasty. Obviously leave him if it is the latter. I am not condoning bad behaviour but if you think there is a relationship to salvage and that you want to pursue think about ways of being positive and more importantly helping your partner to be so. As far as the baby is concerned he has no confidence. Your baby doesn't need a bottle and will be eating food very soon so this issue should be resolvable by both of you taking part in feeding and baby having a beaker etc. Fathers are often quite naturally excluded from large parts of a new born's life but that will change naturally too over the next few months. Encourage him to spend time with the baby , trying new things and making plans as he sees fit rather than on your timetable if possible and spend time all together going for country walks etc ie not baby focussed which a
Is very easy with a small baby who doesn't need much in the way of paraphernalia. I'm not sure if this is helpful or whether I am wide of the mark... these are such funny times that everyday life can be more intense and claustrophobic than normal.

Im not in your situation at all but I do have a 5mo who is EBF and my DH is a key worker so I totally get the struggle of feeling 'alone' right now.
My DS will only go to sleep for me (his dad has tried to put him down so many time but he just frantically screams and then mellows the moment I appear). It is exhausting!
However, if I have just given him a big feed and his dad is home, I know its 'me' time. I go have a bath, nap or read some of my book upstairs because he needs to bond with dad and I know he can't be hungry for at least another 2 hours; worth telling DH you'll be doing this a few times a week from now on? At least you'll get a little while to yourself.