Hi - first off, I'm asking for help and constructive suggestions please, not to be told I'm a mean, bad person (!), but I just cannot understand why I don't want MIL near my baby or why I feel like this! Is it some sort of primitive, hormonal reflex?! I'm genuinely not purposely trying to have a problem, it just comes over me when she's around.
For some context, I was brought up with my gran thinking I'm practically her child and being very smothering with me, even to now so I'm very hyper sensitive to people's behaviour.
I had baby just before the current situation became as big as it is so people were able to meet baby. Whilst I was pregnant, MIL was constantly messaging asking if I'd had baby yet and when she was told I had, wanted to know why she hadn't been told I was in labour. She then sent lots of texts nagging about wanting to come and meet him so in the end, ended up coming over the day after I got out of hospital, our first full day together and when LO was 2 days old. She grabbed him at the first chance, kissed him multiple times when she is a coldsore sufferer and wanted to be able to feed him and change him when all I wanted was some quiet time to adjust and learn about my baby. She then kept messaging me when he was still only a few days old saying when she was off work so she'd come over and take baby for the day.
Not all of my immediate family had met baby when she turned up unannounced again a few days later, tagging onto someone else's visit without telling us she was coming, dictating who baby should be passed to for photo opportunities, hanging right over the basket when they were sleeping, trying to get close up photos of the face, then storming out when she was told to calm down with the photo taking. She was then messaging other members of the family that she had been made to feel so unwelcome.
Corona restrictions then happened so not all of my family have met baby still but MIL keeps driving long distances to our house to stand pressed against our window for 5 minutes taking photos of baby. She's said she is going to do this every weekend she has off. We do send photos regularly and I sent her a card on mother's day 'off' baby but she keeps making comments that she can't wait to get her hands on him and I'm irrationally scared the current situation will make her 10x more excitable if it's lifted.
She keeps buying things for him so she's got a reason to come over but they're things baby already has in abundance like bibs and clothes in certain sizes. Without sounding ungrateful and I know you can't tell someone what to buy as a gift, I'd much rather she saved her money or asked what baby needed. She's never once asked about me really since baby was born or if there's anything I need which makes me feel like I was just a means to an end to give her her grandchild.
I know he's the first grandchild on both parts so I understand everyone must be excited but no one else is acting as excited in my perception so I don't know how to take it without it making me feel sick inside and protective. I want them to have a good relationship so how can I try and feel better about this - will it get better as baby gets older? I guess it just being baby and I with OH at work hasn't helped! She's very passive aggressive generally even with OH and takes things very angrily so I don't know how we'd go about speaking to her.