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Lovely friend but spiteful child

11 replies

Mammali · 05/05/2020 00:38

Not sure where to turn here...I have a wonderful friend who has a child roughly the same age as mine. When they were first born we hung out all the time and had plenty of play dates which were always very nice. The children loved each other and my friend and I had a great time. Skip to a few years later...my friends child has become very spiteful and difficult, they don't share nicely and are rough, cruel or domineering towards my child (deliberately hiding toys that they're playing with in order to get their own way/make my child cry for example) and demanding they only play what they choose or else they throw a tantrum. It's gotten so bad that my child chooses to stay near me during play dates/visits and doesn't want to spend time with them away from me. During all of this, my friend has made endless excuses for their child's behaviour "they're tired" or "they're overexcited" which has now worn very thin. Given the obvious differences in their natures and how uncomfortable it makes my child, should I cut my losses with my friend? I value our friendship but not at the detriment of my child's happiness. I don't want to upset my friend either. Any advice welcome.

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Malysh · 05/05/2020 01:06

Why does it have to be one or the other ? By all means keep seeing your friend, without the kids. I definitely wouldn't make my child hang out with this little demon from hell but that doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with your friend. Suggest non-kid-friendly activities (late movie maybe or drinks out) and make excuses to avoid the playdates. Or just tell your friend the truth about your child not being comfortable around theirs.

JoanieCash · 05/05/2020 01:55

Agree with Malysh. I have a friend like this whose child has always been a bit thuggish (now 7). Mother acknowledges it but not resolved, and when they were toddlers I had a similar dilemma and nearly completely backed off. I then decided to change the routine of friendship and go for a few social events for adults and basically stopped seeing her dc during the Weekday and it made a massive difference. I’m not sure my friend actively noticed. You have perfect excuse with lockdown to avoid. We also did some socialising with the husbands and kids together at weekends, as that also Changed dynamic. I still see/speak to my friend very often (well not at moment) but kids see each other a handful of times per year, and never alone, usually in slightly bigger groups. My daughter can also handle herself a bit more now too which helps.

arstyfarty · 05/05/2020 01:57

I agree wiv both the above still c ur friend but wivout the kids

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Shinesweetfreedom · 05/05/2020 02:29

Yup another one here.
See the friend and not the other child

newbiefrugalgal · 05/05/2020 02:34

Yep been there too.
See friend and not kids.

Mammali · 05/05/2020 10:25

All great advice, thank you. You're right about not having to see the child so much and I can just spend time with my friend instead. I think that talking to my friend about their child's behaviour may upset/offend them, so I don't know if I'm ready to do that just yet. Stay safe ladies x

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SnowdropFox · 05/05/2020 12:56

The other option if there is occasions where you need to take the kids (cant organise another time etc.) Then chose somewhere neutral like softplay. That way they can go their separate ways if needed and there are other kids to play with.
Good luck, sounds very awkward!

Lordfrontpaw · 05/05/2020 13:01

What a shame - but you can’t change a child’s behaviour and if you need to keep an eye on them to make sure WW3 doesn’t break out then it’s really not worth it.

Plus it’s a bad message to send to your own child that you are taking them along regardless even though you know they feel worried /unhappy/ scared...

Friends of ours were in the same situation - we all breathes a sigh of relief when they stepped away from the friendship. The other child was pretty wild and there was always excuses ‘hungry, tired, grumpy, excited...’ all the time? Indulged and praised even for the bad behaviour. Both parents were teachers too.

littlejalapeno · 05/05/2020 13:13

Is your kid resilient in other situations? Could be a learning opportunity for her, but might get worse before it gets better...

Mammali · 05/05/2020 16:32

@Lordfrontpaw I agree about sending a bad message to my child. I don't want them to think that I don't support them when they're feeling uncomfortable and that I'll just go ahead and force them to form friendships that clearly won't be long-lasting.

@littlejalapeno In general, my child is resilient to most things and can have moments of craziness as all children will do, but has mostly a very calm and placid nature- completely the opposite to this other child who rarely sits still/is quiet, so they're totally different beings.

@SnowdropFox the soft play idea is a good one. The other child gets very possessive/jealous if other children try to befriend my child when they're on a play date, so sometimes even that can be tricky to negotiate! So awkward :-(

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SnowdropFox · 05/05/2020 20:40

Urgh that is annoying. Something I said to a kid I was with at softplay (maybe 8/9) years old who was getting upset that their friend was playing with someone else was "dont worry, Jess is playing with someone else but she still is your friend. It's ok to play with other people sometimes." It made them stop and think but dont really know for sure what they thought of that statement! Not sure something like that would work on your friends kid, worth trying though.

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