Strong willed child

[coclala]

Hi, ladies,

I have a strong willed child. Well, to be honest she's like me. She doesn't listen instead she has to try it out the hot stove herself. I play with her everyday. She's very close to me. I am her favourite. She knows I love her and she loves me too. I try to disaplin her but scared doing it wrong.

There were times that she demands or refuses to do small little things that puzzles me. For example, she insisted me to carry her upstairs. I said you could do it yourself then she cried for 45 minutes for it and still didn't move where she was. Another time, she wanted a hug. I said ok come to mummy for a hug. She would not jump on me like most of the time but cry and tell me come to her. If I gave her an open arm she would push herself further from me. I then told her to meet in the middle. She refused to compromise. There were many similar occasions like such. Basically if I didn't give in then she would threw a good 45 minutes desparate cry. I would keep telling her mummy loves you but I guess my tone was upset or angry or both. After about 20 minutes I would question myself if I did the right thing. Maybe I compromise then she would learn to compromise? My husband often criticise me being too strict. I thought I did the right thing by not to give in. Or maybe I did the right thing but didn't show much empathy while she's crying?

Strong willed kids mums out there, can you help me? How did you deal with your little ones? Deal with tantrums, what kind of relationship do you have with your kid? Thank you.

I have a strong willed child, and like you, she gets it from me.
I can't say we've mastered it but a few things have helped us:

• pick your battles. Does it matter so much if one day she wants to be carried?
• compromise sometimes, show her how to back down or compromise. If you never show her, she won't know how to do it.
• explain why you can't do what she wants "I can't carry you because you are heavy and my back hurts. I can hold your hand though". The phrase "the problem is", has been very helpful here.
• don't tell her, make suggestions and let her make her own choice ("it's cold today, you'll be cold wearing a summer dress. Trousers and a jumper would keep you warm"). You don't need to control her, you need to help her learn how to make good decisions herself.
• my daughter responds much better to rewards (bribery) than threats or punishment.
• often the tantrums have been because she had an idea in mind (that she hadn't told us about), and is upset that she can't have what she wants but unable to articulate what it was and why it was important to her. Lots of guess work and empathising. "I can see you're very upset. Is it because...."

Hope that helps! DD is 4, and it is gradually getting easier as we learn how to manage her better.

How old is your child op?

My dd 3 is strong willed as are both dh and myself!
Shes become much more clingy and a bit more strong willed during lock down for sure

I agree with a lot of what pp said

What we do..

• pick and choose battles for sure but try to be consistent. I don't back down on things like eating or if she were to hurt someobe or is rough with something because I think those should be constant.

• provide two options so if it's a tantrum over clothes then get out two things so they still have the option and independence but it's still weather appropriate etc

• include them more in things like cleaning, cooking etc. It helps calm her and she likes the attention but it's controlled so she very very rarely acts up doing this sort of thing

• a routine plan or daily cards have helped us, if she wants something or not to then we go look at the plan and what cards we have done and what is next. She chooses what she wants to do with some help (I may hide certain cards) but if she is excited to do something and the answer is that to do that she needs to calm down and tidy up or whatever that helps

• we count down from 5 in a stern voice. It has never failed yet

• I can see you are upset/cross, would you like to talk about it? We talk things through a lot and listening to her and finding a solution helps

She also now asks me if she can come and talk about it when she gets worked up and we cuddle and look into eyes (her sitting on my knee) etc

• we have a time out for v bad behaviour or when she cannot calm down. She has 2 minute timer usually and we walk away out of eye sight. She wants me back so when I ask if she is calm and ready to talk about it /say sorry this usually works 99%

• use cartoons or books or songs. So we found a cartoon which uses lots of jingles to help like when you are feeling... Clap/stomp/count etc. We use this daily I would say.. For things not just like behaviour but reminding her to wash hands or to wind down from bed. Books about emotions can help for older children

Drawing faces can help too, maybe even putting the faces up on the fridge and asking which face they are feeling when they get worked up because sometimes it's just hard vocalising

Good luck, I hope it feels easier soon

Didn't mean looking into eyes in an airy fairy way BTW!
I meant like eye contact is important to help for socialising and communication anyway and I remind her to look at mummy's eyes so I can understand exactly how she feels, so that I can help

Shes been a mummy's girl forever and has always been very clingy to me so usually if her behaviour makes mummy sad/hurt she reacts well to this often