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Original poster

refereeing between my wife and my son!!!

26 replies

hannah2912 · 02/05/2020 01:35

anyone have any idea how i can help improve the relationship between my wife and my son. She has been in his life for 5 years now and im almost certain they hate each other. The problem is unfortunately that my wife just doesnt seem to be able to stop having a go at my son. They have very little interaction but when they do it is almost certainly her telling him not to do something or that he hasnt done something he should have done or that hes has done something wrong. Whenever he is upset she says hes "playing on it" even with this covid 19 business, hes only just turned 8, hes frustrated, hes worried, he misses his friends, all the thing all our kids are going through but my wife insists he is using the coronavirus to get away with this that and the other!! She will not listen to me. I even contacted the school to ask them to explain to her that his behaviour isnt manipulation and disrespect that its just a little boy struggling with a new world and she still thinks shes right and i, as well as a school full of qualified teachers and all the child pyschologists on the planet are wrong....it's him, hes the problem according to her. I'm almost certain its going to destroy our marriage, i have given her chance after chance but she just isnt changing. anyone have any advice cause im losing this battle and i cant keep my son in this atmosphere cause its getting worse and worse.

OP posts:
Aus84 · 02/05/2020 01:47

Sounds awful. If anyone treated my children like that they would be shown the door. Poor thing is only 8.

Icanflyhigh · 02/05/2020 02:19

My son turned 8 last week, and until the last couple of days he seemed to be coping ok. He isn't. Its hit home today just how frightened he is and confused by it.

My DP, his stepdad is being great with him - distraction techniques, Lego building swingball etc, anything to keep him occupied and stop him winding his sisters up.

Does your wife have children of her own? It sounds like you need to have a full and Frank conversation with her around parenting, and she sounds like she needs to back off and leave him alone.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2020 02:27

I would be telling her that if this shit doesn't stop NOW, the marriage is over. You must protect your son. This abuse will destroy his self-esteem.

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AliceTeale · 02/05/2020 02:32

Put your son first and ditch her.

Winterlife · 02/05/2020 05:07

Are you intervening when she does this?

neverknewsomany · 02/05/2020 05:53

Kids come first if it doesn't change you need to get rid.

Burgerandchipvan · 02/05/2020 07:20

You need to protect your child.

ImDillDandin · 02/05/2020 07:33

This is awful. Your little boy has no escape from this woman who is seriously affecting his happiness and potentially his mental health. He has one childhood, what are his memories of that childhood going to be? Does he live with you?

CodenameVillanelle · 02/05/2020 07:34

Leave her, obviously. Your son is a child and you have a duty to protect him from this awful shit.

Electrical · 02/05/2020 10:23

Ditch her. If you’re so desperate for a woman that you’ve been tolerating this trash damaging your kid for years now, can your child be kept away, with people who actually like him and will prioritise him? There’s no justification for this woman to be allowed to damage a child, the fact she has been allowed to do it for years is an absolute disgrace.

Luzina · 02/05/2020 10:27

Tell her that it is non-negotiable, she needs to be kind to him. If she won't/can't what else can you do but figure out a way to end the relationship?

thethoughtfox · 02/05/2020 11:15

You know what you need to do.

SnowdropFox · 02/05/2020 12:12

She doesn't sound very understanding but then maybe her fears are manifesting themselves as frustration towards your son. Was she always intolerant of him?

If it's something that's only recent you may be able to work with them to make the household happier but if it's a long term thing then I'm sorry, you may end up splitting. A partner not even trying to get along with my lo would not be in my life long term.

whatdoyoudonow · 02/05/2020 12:22

Examples needed.
What sort of thing is she having a go at? What is he not doing when asked?

whatdoyoudonow · 02/05/2020 12:24

The problem is unfortunately that my wife just doesnt seem to be able to stop having a go at my son. They have very little interaction but when they do it is almost certainly her telling him not to do something or that he hasnt done something he should have done or that hes has done something wrong.

What is she asking him to do? What sort of thing is he doing when she has a go at him?

whatdoyoudonow · 02/05/2020 12:26

she still thinks shes right and i, as well as a school full of qualified teachers and all the child pyschologists on the planet are wrong....it's him, hes the problem according to her.

Is his behaviour challenging?
What is the full story here?

Original poster
hannah2912 · 02/05/2020 20:16

absolutely and then she says im always siding with him but i cant get it through to her that thats how it is meant to be, he is my son and i wont let anyone hurt him in any way

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 02/05/2020 20:17

What do you mean you won't let anyone hurt him? She's been hurting him for years. Why haven't you left her already??

Original poster
hannah2912 · 02/05/2020 20:18

well after i posted this i spoke to her and told her it has to stop and she says she doesnt know why she does it so i have told her it has to be the end for us then because how can she change it if she doesnt know why shes doing it and i cant put him through this when i know its not going to change

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 02/05/2020 20:18

Plain and simple tell her she is a bully and she is making you defend your ds.
She sounds like a teenager!!

LovingLola · 02/05/2020 20:19

Then you need to leave her. Before your son is permanently damaged by her abuse.

longtimecomin · 02/05/2020 20:23

Your wife is abusing your son and you are not protecting him. Kick her out and have nothing to with her, your primary concern should be your son.

Original poster
hannah2912 · 02/05/2020 20:30

thank you for all your messages, when ever she has been unkind to him i have always made it clear to her its unacceptable and i have always made sure he knows that she is the problem not him. after i posted this i kind of answered my own questions....i think after typing it down and reading it i thought how would i respond to this if someone else was asking for advice and i went and spoke with her and she couldnt give me a reason for her behaviour instead she deflected the blame onto my son, she went as far as to start insulting him (he wasnt there he was fast asleep in his room thank god) i think this was the final straw for me, hearing what she really thought of him. she then attacked my parenting and said that me being all loving and nice all the time will make him grow up to think he can get away with murder but couldnt give me a single example of something he has ever done to warrant anything other than a loving and affectionate set of parents, hes just a normal loving cheeky little boy. so in the end i have sadly had to end our relationship. i cant in good conscience continue down this path when she wont even accept responsibility and wont even entertain the idea that she might be the problem here. Its sad in a way because i got married because i love her but she knew i had a son and he was there a long time before her and his happiness and safety means more to me than anything. again thank you for your replies most of which have confirmed ive done the right thing by ending my marriage. its just me and him now and i know its the right thing for us both.

OP posts:
Elieza · 02/05/2020 20:40

Sorry you’re going through this ok but it’s the right decision for your ds Flowers

SnowdropFox · 02/05/2020 21:20

So sorry to hear this but it does seem to be the best thing from what you've said. Hopefully the transition to your separation goes smoothly op and your little boy flourishes.

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